Who He Wants To Be
by gracefultree
Summary: What if Jack and Ianto met in May 2005, before Ianto joined Torchwood, when the 21 year-old Ianto indulged his curiosity about being with a man? What if Jack was so impressed with the young Welshman that he wanted more than a one-off, and decided that with Ianto he could be the man he wanted to be if Torchwood hadn't gotten in the way? What if he said his name was James?
1. Chapter 1: Beginnings

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

In honor of Ianto's birthday, I present the first chapter of a new story.

**Summary:**

What if Jack and Ianto met in May of 2005, before Ianto joined Torchwood, when the then 21 year-old Ianto indulged his curiosity about being with a man when out drinking? What if Jack was so impressed with the young Welshman that he wanted more than a quick tumble in the sheets, and decided that with Ianto he could be the man he wanted to be if Torchwood hadn't gotten in the way? What if he said his name was James?

**Notes:**

Be prepared for a long story with lots of twists and turns. It started out as a single scene for a different story and morphed into its own epic drama. I just can't write short stories very often, it seems, if my others are any judge. I've written 3/4 of this one already, so there's little worry that I'll stop in the middle. I'm also crazy in love with it... I know, a little self-centered of me to love my own story, but I'm confident in my plot, characterizations, and writing, so, there you go. I'm thinking of a weekly update starting in September, though I could be persuaded to update more frequently with the proper motivation.

**Rated M:** Many chapters have warnings for sex, though not all. There's angst, as happens with our boys. Be prepared.

Enjoy!

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Ianto Jones woke with a pounding headache. He groaned, rolling over, waving a hand at the blinds and wishing he could close them without having to get out of bed. He glanced at the bedside clock. Instead of the time, he saw a folded piece of paper propped up, blocking his view of the numbers. He frowned. Sitting up, he groaned again as his body protested with a series of aches and pains he couldn't explain. He picked up the note.

_"Yanto, I had a great time last night. You're an amazing man, and I want to get to know you better. I'm sorry I couldn't stay, and please believe me when I say that this isn't a line, but I had to leave early for work. I'd be making you pancakes right now, otherwise. Here's my mobile. Call me sometime, and I'll take you on a real date. — James" _

Ianto's frown deepened. Who was James? Why would he —?

Memories filtered into Ianto's sleep and hungover-addled brain. He'd been out drinking with one of his roommates, Steve, at a gay bar, because Steve had just come out and wanted Ianto to come with him, despite Ianto's protests that he was straight. Their other roommate, Gary, also straight, hadn't been around to join them, though he might have done it just to support Steve if he had been.

A few hours into the night, Steve put the moves on, kissing Ianto and groping his crotch with less skill than Ianto's first girlfriend who'd never touched a cock before. Ianto hadn't minded, though. He was single, and pleasantly buzzed, and he hadn't met or seen a girl to spark his interest in weeks, and if he couldn't have a quick drunken fumble with a friend now and again, what was the point?

_But, really, Steve, you've got a dick of your own. You should be better at this, _he remembered thinking at the time.

Then he'd seen James across the room. Tall, with carefully styled brown hair and a huge smile, he'd caught Ianto's eye immediately. So much so that Ianto had roughly pushed Steve away and walked over to him. And when he got closer, he was drawn in by the sparkle of life in James's blue eyes and his carefree laugh. They exchanged names, chatted for a little bit, then James bought him a drink.

He remembered the first frenzied kiss outside the gents, the smell of James's aftershave, the feel of James's large hands as they cupped his arse through his jeans. He remembered the cab ride home, awkward because Steve had insisted on coming along, even though Ianto couldn't keep his hands off James any more than James could keep his hands (or lips) off Ianto. He remembered a hurried conversation about safety, about who would fuck who, that it was Ianto's first time with a man, and then he lost the thread of everything but the exquisite pleasure of being with James.

He sat up, looking around the room. His clothes from the night before were strewn about. Some books had fallen off his bookcase, from when he'd shoved James against it in a desperate bid to get the man to hold still long enough to get his jeans open while keeping up with the kisses that were beyond heated. James hadn't protested at all once he understood Ianto's intention. There were two used condoms in the rubbish bin, and he had the sudden embarrassing memory of demanding that James fuck him again once they'd both recovered because it felt so damned _good_ to have the man's cock up his arse the first time around, even with the pain of being breached like that. James had encouraged him through it to find the pleasure, and, oh, was it pleasurable!

He wasn't quite as enthusiastic about it now, feeling the ache in his backside.

Groaning yet again, he pulled on his jeans and boxers from last night, shoving the note from James in his pocket with his mobile. He wondered if he'd call him. He wondered if James was for real and _did_ have work. He found himself hoping it was true, that maybe James would take him on a date, take him dancing, take him home to _his_ bed next time. James was a bit older, and probably had a flat to himself, Ianto reasoned.

In the kitchen, he put on a pot of coffee, his usual morning ritual, needing the caffeine. That he'd been up until God knows when having sex with James didn't help his energy levels, even though it was almost ten, an hour later than Ianto ever got up on the weekends. At least he didn't have work today. Steve stepped hesitantly into the room. To Ianto it seemed like he'd been waiting for Ianto to start the coffee to come see him.

"Um, Ianto —" he started. "Um, about last night — I didn't mean —"

Ianto walked over and gave him an awkward one-armed hug made more awkward because neither of them were wearing shirts. Not that they'd ever been embarrassed about that sort of thing before, but... "Don't worry about it," he reassured him. "We're good." He paused. "And I don't think I'd have minded a quick fumble if that's all it was, but, man, just _ask_. I'd prefer that to being drunk and in public."

Steve nodded, relaxing some tension from his back, though his face was pinched with regret. "I'm really sorry! I didn't plan it, or anything… I —"

"Steve —"

"Someone got laid last night!" Gary exclaimed, stomping into the kitchen and giving Ianto a hearty slap on the back. "Your room reeks. Didn't she want to stay —" he broke off, seeing the strained look between Ianto and Steve. "Oh, no, you didn't —"

"No!" Steve blurted. "No, it wasn't me!"

"Where'd you two go anyway?" Gary asked. "I thought you were going out for Steve. Change your minds?"

"His name is James," Ianto said.

"James?" Gary asked. "A bloke?"

"Yeah," Ianto answered, pouring coffee for them all to avoid having to look at them. Especially Steve. He had a feeling it might be awkward between them for a little while.

"Huh. Well, whatever. Was it good?"

"Yeah," Ianto said again, a small smile on his face, his cheeks turning pink as he blushed. He thought of James's voice murmuring little endearments and encouragements in his ear as he got closer to his release. He felt the heaviness of his muscles, well-used and sated. When had he felt so good after a night with a girl?

"You should have seen them going at it in the cab," Steve put in, feeling a bit more comfortable now that Gary was there to run interference. "They were groping and snogging like teens."

"Didn't think you were into guys," Gary commented to Ianto, pulling milk from the fridge and sniffing it to make sure it was still good before pouring some into his mug. Steve grabbed it from him.

"Didn't think I was, either," Ianto said, plopping into a seat, ignoring the milk as he always did. He winced as his arse complained. "Shit, I'm sore."

"Wait, you let him fuck you?" Steve demanded. "You're not even gay and you've had more action than me?"

"You've only been out for a few weeks," Ianto pointed out.

"Yeah, but you're not out at all!"

Ianto shrugged, sipping his coffee. He closed his eyes, suddenly seeing James's naked, tanned chest in his mind's eye. His bare, hairless chest, with those perfect nipples... outlined by the moonlight streaming in through the blinds he hadn't closed. He remembered the feeling of James's cock in his hands, hard and smooth and so much different than touching himself.

"I had sex with a man," he gasped.

"Um, yeah, that's what we've been talking about for the last five minutes," Gary muttered, pouring more coffee into each of their mugs.

"I had sex with a _man_," Ianto repeated. "Twice."

"Twice?" Steve barked, spitting out his mouthful of coffee.

"You must have really liked it," Gary said. "That or been completely shitfaced."

"No, I, I, um, I — shit. I really did it!"

"Now don't start freaking out," Gary said, putting a hand on Ianto's shoulder when Ianto buried his head in his arms. "It's not a big deal. I mean, it doesn't have to be. You were safe, right? That's the only important thing, really."

"Yeah, we're not going to judge you," Steve quickly added. "Come on! This is us, here."

"I know. I know, but it's just so surreal," Ianto said. "It's like — it's like it was the most natural thing in the world to be with him." He glanced at Steve quickly before looking away, the implication clear between the two that it hadn't felt natural making out with Steve.

"Wow," Steve said, pushing on despite his discomfort. "What was it like? Did you suck his cock? What did it taste like? Was he cut? Was he big?"

Ianto's head shot up to stare at his friend in shock. "None of your business!" he shouted.

"I do _not_ need those kinds of details!" Gary exclaimed at the same time, holding up his hands and backing a few feet away. He moved to toss some bread in the toaster. "Seriously, though, did you get his number?"

"Uh, yeah," Ianto answered.

"Where is he?" Steve asked. "I don't hear the shower, or anything."

Ianto offered Steve the note. "He said he had work."

"You think it's a line?" Steve asked after reading the note aloud for Gary's benefit.

"If his number's real, it might not be," Ianto mused.

"Yeah, but leaving for work is like, the oldest one in the book!" Gary said. He put a pile of toast on the table. "Are you going to call him?" he asked around a large bite.

"I think so," Ianto answered. He nibbled at his own toast. "How long do I wait to call? Is it different than with a girl? 'Cause I know I can't call one of them until at least tonight, let alone tomorrow, without coming off badly." He looked expectantly at Steve.

"Don't ask me! I have no idea!"

"I don't want to seem too eager, but I don't want him to think I'm rude," Ianto said with a frown.

"Well, you've already had sex, so you don't have to worry about seeming like that's all you're looking for," Gary mused. "And the kind of guy who goes out and pulls a stranger might not care about that, anyway. So, you don't want to make him wait, but you've gotta figure out what you want. If you just want to try on the sex for size, that's one thing, but if you actually want to _date_ him..." He trailed off.

"He knows I've never been with a guy," Ianto said. "I made sure to tell him that." He paused. "And he does say in the note that he wants to take me on a date."

"But do _you_ want that?" Steve asked.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Well, first thing to do is figure out if he's for real. Then, I guess you just be honest with him."

"Easier said than done when I have no idea, myself," Ianto muttered. He took back the note and re-read it, thinking of James's hands on his skin, of his tongue in his mouth, of his mouth on his cock. Would he return the gesture next time and blow James? He forced down the erection that threatened. From his reaction to just thinking about it, yes, he'd try blowing James. He picked at toast crumbs on the tabletop. "Is it wrong to want to call him?" He looked up, the real question of 'is it wrong to want to sleep with him again?' behind his eyes.

"Of course not!" Gary answered.

"Why would it be?" Steve asked.

"I just met him. I don't know anything about him."

"So you've got to ask," Gary said. "That's how it goes with anyone new, girl or guy. Look, none of us will look down on you for calling him. None of us will think less of you if you're gay."

"I'm not _gay_!" Ianto exclaimed, slightly horrified at the thought.

"Nothing wrong with being gay," Steve muttered under his breath.

"Of course not," Ianto agreed quickly. "I like girls. I know that. I guess, I guess I like him, too. I think," he added hastily, not as sure as his body was about his attraction to the man.

"Then that's the answer," Gary declared. "Have a shower and call him. You'll feel better once you know if he's for real."

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tbc


	2. Chapter 2: Calling James

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter Two: Calling James**

Posted 8/23/2014

A/N: Thank you to everyone who followed, reviewed or favorited! I was so excited by the response that I decided to post the next (extra-long because I wanted to add more to the story and couldn't stop with just the phone call scene) chapter before I went away on vacation. Enjoy!

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It was just gone four when Ianto threw himself onto his bed and pulled out his mobile. The note from James rested safely in his bedside table. He'd long since memorized the number.

He took another look around his room. Several hours of dedicated cleaning, laundry, and chores soothed some of his anxiety, but he couldn't put off making the call forever. Wanking in the shower had helped, too, but he wasn't going to think about the fact that remembering kissing James was enough to get him hard. Nor was he ready to think about how quickly he got himself off, thinking about the night before. But that was hours ago, now, and he knew he had to do something soon, since he was starting feel that the anxiety would get worse again if he continued putting it off. He dialed.

_"Yeah?"_ came the brisk answer. Ianto paused. He'd somehow forgotten what James sounded like, even though he'd been thinking of him all day. He forgot that James had an American accent that shone through even just the one word. _"Hello?"_

"James? It's Ianto. From —"

_"Ianto!"_ James exclaimed, his voice changing from slightly annoyed to happy in an instant. _"Ianto Jones, I'd just about convinced myself you wouldn't call."_

"Really? After last night?" Ianto asked. "I mean, it was mind-blowing!"

He heard the shrug in James's voice, the slightly forced casual tone under the pleased chuckle. _"I can be a bit intense for someone's first time with a guy. Wouldn't have been the first time someone cut and ran."_

"I suppose not," Ianto replied. He paused, not sure what to say.

_"Look, I'm really sorry about leaving like that this morning,"_ James said after a minute. "_I didn't expect —"_ He broke off.

"Expect what?"

_"Can I be honest?"_ James asked, suddenly more serious. Ianto felt a moment of fear, his stomach clenching uncomfortably. Here it was… when he found out it was all a line, that James was just playing, that he hadn't had work, that… _"I went out looking for a quick shag. I thought I'd be on the road by two or three." _

"Oh," Ianto breathed, all the air leaving his lungs in a startled whoosh. A quick shag? Ianto felt disappointment coloring his mood. Why was he disappointed, though? It wasn't as if he knew James. Or knew what he wanted out of the relationship, if one night of sex could be called a relationship.

_"I didn't leave until six,_" James continued, giving Ianto a modicum of hope. _"I didn't want to leave."_

"But you did," Ianto said softly, embarrassed about how disappointed he knew his voice sounded.

_"My work hours are erratic. I couldn't stay any longer this time."_ James stopped, and Ianto could practically hear him thinking, debating what to say. _"I want to see you again. I'd plan better, make sure I could stay longer, so we could wake up together instead of me sneaking out in the middle of the night." _

"What do you do that had you leaving so early?" Ianto asked, deflecting having to respond, since some level of upset remained. He needed more information. He wanted to feel in control of the conversation again.

James chuckled. _"It's not what I do. It's where I am. I live in Cardiff."_

"Cardiff? What were you doing in London, then?"

_"Consulting."_

Ianto snorted. "That could mean anything."

_"I research new sciences and had to give a report to the main branch of the company, which is in London. One of my staff called me back just before I went out, said an experiment needed my touch to settle down."_

"So you were going to get laid and leave? Just like that?"

_"It's common enough behavior,_" James protested, sounding defensive. _"There's lots of men up for that kind of thing. That's why most of the men were at that particular bar. It has a reputation for hook ups."_

"I know! I'm not criticizing," Ianto rushed to say, hoping he hadn't ruined everything with his careless comment. Shit, this was harder than he expected it to be. "I guess I'm just wondering what it was about me that had you stay so much longer than you planned."

James paused before answering. Ianto had another moment of anxiety, waiting for the reason. What if it was stupid? What if James was playing him and he was falling for it? What if James was just out to find someone inexperienced to do nasty things with? What if he was a stalker, or worse?

_"When we kissed that first time, it felt like the most natural thing in the universe,"_ James whispered, echoing what Ianto told his roommates earlier in the day. Something in Ianto's mind relaxed, and he let out a relieved breath. It wasn't the kind of thing someone said if they just wanted sex. _ "I wanted more. I __want__ more. I meant what I said about taking you out,"_ he added. _"I know it's new for you to think of being with a guy, so we can take it slowly, but we've got great chemistry, and —" _

"I'd like to see you again, too," Ianto said, interrupting him. "I don't know about dating per se, but I want to meet you for real."

_"Really? That's great!"_

"Yeah," Ianto said, a large smile forming on his face, matching the one he could imagine on James's. "How do we do it with the distance and all?"

_"I'll drive up to London. Would Saturday work? Seven?"_

Ianto glanced at the calendar on the wall. "That's my farewell party at work. I start a new job that Tuesday, after Monday's bank holiday. What about Sunday?"

_"I try to give my staff Sundays off, so I need to stay here,"_ James said apologetically. _"I can't leave things unattended."_

"Friday, then?"

_"No, I'm on call because I was away last night. I'm usually on call on Fridays. What about the next Saturday? June 4th? You'll be able to tell me all about the first week on the new job."_

"Saturday after next, seven," Ianto said. "It's a date."

Ianto could hear the smile in James's voice as he confirmed the day and time, Ianto's address, and how to spell Ianto's name. He suddenly felt very happy that he'd called the man. Plus, he had a date to get ready for, which was always a good thing, an exciting thing. He felt flushed. Would he need another shower? A cold one, this time?

_"So what job are you leaving and what job are you taking?"_ James asked, and Ianto could hear him shifting in his chair. It sounded like one of those old wooden desk chairs that he pictured accountants having.

"I was a barista at a gourmet coffee shop, Matilda's. Now that I've finished university, I got a job as a junior researcher downtown."

_"What did you study?"_

"Anthropology and library sciences," Ianto answered. His sister had been appalled, commenting that neither of those would get him a good job. He wondered what James would think. The paypacket at his new job seemed quite high, as far as he could tell, for an entry-level position. And a full six months of training? That had to be expensive for the company if people couldn't make it through. The interview process had been so mysterious that Ianto was excited to go and find out what the Torchwood Institute was all about.

_"I studied anthropology before I got into the sciences,"_ James said, his voice wistful. _"That was lifetimes ago. I loved learning about other cultures and times."_ They chatted for a few more minutes before James begged off when one of his staff knocked on his office door with some paperwork for him to sign about getting new processors for the mainframe.

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"How'd it go?" Gary asked when Ianto re-entered the sitting room. He and Steve were on the couch playing a video game. Steve killed Gary's character while he was distracted, then turned off the television to focus on Ianto.

"Yeah, was he for real?"

Ianto settled onto the spare chair and grinned. "We're getting together in two weeks. He said he'd take me to dinner."

"That's great!" Gary declared, throwing away his game controller. "But why two weeks? Why not sooner?"

"He lives in Cardiff," Ianto explained. "He can only come on the weekends, because of work. And next week is that party, remember?"

"Whoa, Cardiff? That's like, a different country!" Steve declared, his eyes bright. Though born in Cardiff himself, he moved away when he was eight, and his accent was more London than Welsh. He liked to tease Ianto about it, sometimes, though today it had a bit more bite than usual. Ianto scowled.

"He seems really nice," he said in place of the angry retort he wanted to make, forcing himself to let it go. He didn't need a fight with his roommate on top of everything else. "He's a scientist, and he has staff. He's the boss."

"Even better," Gary said. "What else do you know?"

"He studied anthropology in school before he got into the sciences, and he loves dinosaurs."

"Dinosaurs?"

"He said he dreamed of being an archaeologist when he was a kid and digging up their bones. Either that or flying a spaceship."

"Interesting man," Steve commented, getting to his feet. "Did he apologize for leaving like he did?"

"Yeah. He said he went out for a quick shag, but something about me made him want to stay. Kind of cheesy, right? I mean, could that be real?"

"He pulled a stranger, then left in the middle of the night," Steve said. "He could just be saying that to get in your pants again."

"I don't think that's it," Ianto protested. "He seemed genuinely interested in listening to me. He asked about what I studied, what my job was, the usual kind of thing. But he didn't just give it lip service, you know? It was like he really wanted to know."

"And he's going to take you to dinner," Gary interjected. "That has to mean something."

"I think he really understood that I was nervous. You know, about being with a guy."

"Is it a date, or just dinner?"

"I called it a date," Ianto answered. "But I also told him I wasn't ready to date a guy. He didn't push. I mean, he probably went through something similar, right?" He glanced over at Steve. "What do you think?"

"Any guy who's into other guys knows what it's like to be scared," Steve said after a moment of thought. "He would've had to accept that about himself, get used to it. He probably felt nervous the first time he did anything. Maybe he still does. Who knows?" He paused. "But I think he'd understand what it's like for someone who's not out, someone who's not sure. We all have to question at some point. I spent most of my life dating women to prove that I _wasn't_ gay, and look where it got me. Six ex-girlfriends I didn't enjoy having sex with who hate me, and now I'm starting all over with men."

"And he might not be gay," Gary said. "He might be bi. Either way, he knows what it's like to question his sexuality, so he'd have empathy for you. Sympathy for you. Whichever one it is."

"Empathy," Ianto said. "Being able to imagine what someone else is feeling. Sympathy is feeling bad _for_ them because of what you think their feelings are."

"Are you? Questioning your sexuality?" Steve asked bluntly.

"No. I'm straight," Ianto answered firmly. "I just tried it out once, that's all."

"But you want to try it again."

"I want to meet him, see who he is. It doesn't have to lead to sex again. We could be friends."

Gary and Steve exchanged a look that puzzled Ianto. It was like they were having a conversation without him.

"Friends, right," Steve muttered, shoving his way past the others to go to his room, slamming his door closed. Ianto looked at Gary.

"What's going on with him?"

"You rejected him for a stranger," Gary said. "He's a little upset."

"You know about that?" Ianto blurted, his cheeks heating. Why would Steve tell Gary?

"He told me. Wanted me to know so I didn't think there was anything weird going on between you two."

"I didn't reject him! I'm not interested in him. He's my _friend_." Ianto crossed his arms over his chest. "Besides, we were both drunk. It doesn't count."

"Try telling _him_ that when you have a date with this James bloke and he's alone felling awkward because he kissed his roommate and didn't even get anything out of it."

"I don't —"

"Just give him time," Gary suggested. "You're the first guy he ever kissed, and it didn't feel good to be pushed away in favor of someone else, even if he's not interested in you, either."

"Well, when you put it that way," Ianto said with a sigh.

"And you had that fumble with Brandon, didn't you? Or was it just a snog?"

"Just a little kissing," Ianto said. "We've barely spoken since he moved out. I emailed him a few times, but he never wrote back, and _he_ was the one who kissed me! I would have thought he'd apologize, at the very least, but he never did."

"Probably too embarrassed. Did you hear he's engaged already? Some blonde woman. I was in class with her, once, but I didn't like her. I swear, it's like he's trying to prove he's straight, like Steve was talking about earlier."

"Do you think I should apologize to Steve?" Ianto asked hurriedly. "Is that what you're saying?"

"Couldn't hurt."

Ianto sighed and rubbed his temple. He had a date with a man in two weeks, and a roommate with hurt feelings to soothe. It was looking like the beginnings of a busy time of his life.

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Ianto and James spent two weeks texting and talking on the phone, though three times James had been called away by a colleague to 'go on a retrieval,' and two more times James was needed to 'help with the animals.' Ianto still had no idea what James did. It didn't sound like any scientific research he'd ever heard of. But, then again, he wasn't particularly forthright about his new job, either. He couldn't tell a civilian that he just got a job at the Torchwood Institute researching aliens, now, could he?

On his first day he'd been made to sign the Official Secrets Act right before being told that aliens existed, which meant he couldn't talk about any of it with James. Or his roommates, friends, or family. He filled in the absence of those details by talking about acquaintances at work, as well as the minutiae of a desk job. Torchwood was full of gossip and rumors, and since it was mostly interpersonal, it didn't qualify as an 'Official Secret.'

Two days before the date with James, Ianto came home and barely made it into the sitting room before collapsing, completely exhausted. He hadn't even taken off his suit jacket, though he'd loosened his tie.

"You look completely knackered," Steve said, leaning on the back of the sofa next to him.

"They had me carrying these huge boxes all day," Ianto explained, the lie falling from his lips with alarming ease, even as he spread his arms to illustrate his point, an action which caused him to wince in pain. How could he tell Steve that he'd spent the day learning how to fire a gun and getting thrown about the training mat in what was supposed to be a session in hand-to-hand combat? He couldn't. He was supposed to be a researcher, a guy with a desk job, who wore suits and complained about paperwork. Of course, he could do _that_ very easily, just as well.

Steve handed him a beer. "Better than my job," he muttered. "I had no idea it would be so goddamed _boring_ working in the Apple store. At least _you're_ getting exercise! I feel like I should join a gym, or something, sitting on my arse all day."

"Yeah," Ianto answered with a sigh. "But the paperwork... I have to memorize the training manual by the end of next week, and we're not allowed to take it home!"

"It can't be that bad, surely?"

"Over 300 pages," Ianto explained.

"What? That's crazy! How could _anyone_ memorize 300 pages in two weeks?"

"I'll do the best I can. I suspect that come next Friday they'll tell me I have another week," he added, having overheard one of his new colleagues reassuring another new hire who was having a panic attack about it in the canteen at lunch. Ianto wasn't worried about the memorization, per se; he had a nearly eidetic memory. He just hadn't had time to sit and read the damned thing. There were five copies and twenty new hires.

Rumors said that only half of the new recruits would make it through the six-month training, and only half of those would make it through the first year. He didn't like his odds, but he was determined. It wasn't as if a job like this fell into his lap every day. He _loved_ the idea of aliens and was looking forward to actually touching their things or meeting one. If they were alive. From what he overheard, Torchwood did more scavenging than anything else. "I have to go in early tomorrow," he decided. "That way I can read it in peace before everyone else gets there."

"Huh. Well, you want pizza? I was going to order some."

"Sure. Meat Feast?"

"What else?" Steve asked with a laugh. "Should I get enough for Gary, do you think?"

"He has that speed-dating thing tonight," Ianto answered. "Said he'd go straight from work." He leaned back and closed his eyes. "Thanks for taking care of it."

"That's what friends are for," Steve replied, leaving the room. _So far, so good_, Ianto thought, glad that Steve wasn't acting odd tonight. He'd accepted Ianto's apology readily enough, though things remained a little strained between them. Ianto had a feeling it would go away when Steve found a boyfriend, or even just a guy to hook up with. He'd been going to the bar on his own, so it was possible it would happen sooner rather than later. He hoped it was sooner. Though Steve didn't act as cold as Brandon had, there was an edge to some of their interactions when it was just the two of them.

Half an hour later Ianto woke from a doze to the feeling of his mobile vibrating in his pocket, since he'd forgotten to turn the sound back on when he left work. He answered without much enthusiasm, not bothering to see who was calling. It was probably his sister, calling to berate him for not visiting lately.

"Hello?"

_"Ianto? It's James. Are you ok? You sound—"_

"Exhausted," Ianto interrupted, feeling a little energy now that he heard James's voice. "Hard day at work. They had me running about and carrying heavy things all day. I feel like I've discovered muscles I didn't know I had!"

_"Ooh, new muscles,"_ James enthused. _"I like the sound of that!"_

"You would," Ianto said with a snort.

_"I also like those beautiful Welsh vowels of yours," _James added, his voice low and seductive. Ianto felt his cheeks heating as they always seemed to do when he heard the man's voice. He decided not to respond to the obvious compliment/flirtation.

"How was your day?"

_"Normal,"_ James answered. _"We spent six hours taking this thing apart only to find out that there was a release button to open it." _

"Sounds frustrating."

_"It was fun, even if we felt like idiots,"_ James corrected. _"All four of us were working on the same project for a change, which was nice."_

"Usually you do different things?"

_"We each have our specialties,"_ James explained. _"But tell me more about these new muscles you've found. Where are they? Do you need a massage? I've been told I'm an excellent masseuse." _

Ianto laughed at James's casual confidence. "Of course you have."

_"Seriously, I'd love to get my hands on your —"_

"Remember this is a family show," Ianto teased, still chuckling.

_"— feet,"_ James finished, talking over Ianto.

"Feet?" Ianto exclaimed, startled (and a little disappointed) that James wasn't talking about more risqué parts of his body.

_"Feet,"_ James affirmed. _"I spent some time in China, studied a bit of reflexology. It's amazing how the smallest pressure on certain parts of the foot can affect the body. For example, I know just where to touch you, on your __feet__, to bring you to full arousal in seconds."_

Ianto choked on his beer. "I can't believe you just said that!"

_"Yes, you can. You love it!"_

Ianto found himself grinning. "I suppose I do," he allowed.

_"So what's on the docket for tonight?" _

"Pizza with Steve, tv, nothing special. You?"

Before James could answer, he heard a loud beeping. _"Hold on." _He listened for a minute as James typed on his computer. In the background, he heard a woman call out something indistinct. _"Looks like I have work, after all," _James finally answered. He sighed in frustration. _"I'm sorry, but I have to go." _

"Yeah," Ianto replied. "Good luck with whatever it is."

_"Thanks. See you Saturday!" _

"Bye," Ianto said to the dial tone.

When Steve arrived a few minutes later with a pair of pizzas, Ianto was glad of the distraction. Thinking about James's hands on his feet had brought up more fantasies than he was willing to deal with, and the thought of James's hands on his cock instead…

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tbc with 'the date'


	3. Chapter 3: First Date

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 3: First Date**

Posted: September 1, 2014

A/N: Here we are, the first date. Warnings for sex. As if anything else would happen. :-)

Enjoy!

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James arrived two minutes early to their date with a bouquet of daffodils in his hand. "The Welsh national flower," James declared proudly, a huge smile on his face. "Because you're Welsh."

Ianto invited him in with a murmured 'thanks' and a peck on the lips that neither of them seemed to expect, despite the weeks of flirting on the phone. To cover his embarrassment, Ianto led James to the kitchen where he cut and rearranged the flowers to put them in the largest pint glass they had in the flat. There were no vases, and Ianto hadn't expected such a romantic gesture on the first date. He wasn't exactly sure _what_ he expected, though, going on a first date with a man he'd already slept with, so he smiled nervously and introduced his roommates.

James had an easy-going personality and an exuberant way about him that set people at ease.

"James Harper," James said, extending a hand to Steve and Gary. "You'll have to tell me later if I pass muster." He gave them a wink and a winning smile, and everyone seemed to relax a bit, even Steve.

Ianto glanced at his roommates, then over at James, who looked totally at home in the small flat. He seemed to be the kind of guy who'd be at home anywhere. Timeless. He wore a vintage WWII RAF greatcoat, with a light blue shirt (sleeves rolled up to show off his forearms), dark waistcoat and matching trousers, complete with a fob watch, the white of his undershirt peeking out from where he hadn't buttoned the top few buttons of his shirt. Ianto, dressed in black trousers and a deep red button-down purchased for the occasion, with a coordinating tie, decided they would look good together, though he might go for the eggplant shirt next time.

Wait, was he already planning a next time?

Strangely, James wore his watch on his right wrist, and a leather bracelet of some kind on his left. Ianto hoped he didn't have some strange leather kink. He didn't think he'd be into that kind of thing. Then again, he hadn't thought he'd be into men, either, and here he was setting a bouquet of flowers in the center of the kitchen table he'd just received as the first part of a date with a man. He decided he needed more information to rule out leather, kink or no kink. It wasn't as if he had any experience in that area of bedroom games. All the girls he'd dated had been rather vanilla, and he hadn't felt the need to try anything but what they'd been doing already. Perhaps being with James would give him the opportunity to experiment?

James took him to a restaurant that was out of Ianto's university student budget, though not so upscale that Ianto felt uncomfortable. His car, Ianto discovered, was a midnight blue Jaguar convertible that James named Terry. Bernard just hadn't sounded right, apparently. It was gorgeous, and Ianto felt slightly overwhelmed with the luxury and the discomfort of being seen in it as they drove through his neighborhood to the restaurant downtown. James was older than Ianto initially thought, probably ten or twelve years older than he was, and he seemed to have a good job and more than enough money, if he could afford that car and taking Ianto to this kind of restaurant on a first date, as well as the expense of driving to and from Cardiff. Petrol was expensive. One of the many reasons Ianto didn't have a car of his own yet.

Conversation flowed easily between them, and as the evening progressed, Ianto became used to James's outrageous flirting, which he seemed to do with everyone, male or female, though 75% of it was focused on Ianto. He felt comfortable with the varied talk, discussing interests, work, giving brief family histories. James seemed interested in hearing about Ianto's family, though much less so sharing about his own. Not that Ianto minded, sensing his upset. He didn't press, and James seemed to appreciate that. Ianto hadn't felt so at ease on a first date in his entire life, smiling and laughing at James's jokes and stories with an abandonment he couldn't recall ever feeling before. It was good to laugh.

They decided to go for a walk after desert, ending up in a small coffee shop Ianto didn't know, though James got a few nods of recognition from the staff when they entered.

"This was a great night," Ianto said, smiling. "Thank you."

James smiled back. "I'm glad you've enjoyed yourself."

"So what happens now?" Ianto asked.

"Now as in tonight, or now as in moving forward?"

"I don't know, both?"

"I'd like to take you to bed again," James said, reaching for Ianto's hand where it rested on the table. "I doubt that's a surprise."

"Are you always this bold?" Ianto moved his hand back a fraction of an inch.

"Usually," James replied with a wink, leaning back, not actually touching Ianto, sensing his discomfort with the public display of affection. "I find that people waste a lot of time lying or denying the truth to themselves and everyone else. I don't want to deal with the bullshit. I have more important things to do than beat around bushes. I'm attracted to you. The sex two weeks ago was great. I'm not pushing you into it, mind, because I _do_ realize it takes time to figure these things out, and we certainly wouldn't do anything you didn't want, but I want you to know where I'm coming from and what I'm thinking."

"And what about going forward?"

James paused, looking suddenly unsure of his answer. It was the first sign of nervousness from him all evening. "What do you want?"

"I —" Ianto stopped, met James's eyes. "I haven't been able to get you off my mind since we met. I want to see you again, and sleep with you. I'm nervous about dating a guy. I don't like that we're so far apart."

James nodded. "Sounds about where I thought you might be," he commented, finishing his coffee.

"Are you seeing anyone?" Ianto asked suddenly. "Like dating? I mean, this is only one date, so far. It could mean anything."

"I'm not seeing anyone," James answered. "I haven't had much luck dating lately, so it's been casual, but I find myself wanting more than that with you, if you're interested."

"You? Not much luck dating? You're absolutely gorgeous! How could you have trouble?"

"Strange work hours, remember? I've gotten called out of bed in the middle of the night more than once. I'm sure it'll happen with us, sometime, if we keep this up past tonight." James smiled crookedly. "Though I'm glad you think I'm gorgeous."

"Have a bit of an ego, do you?" Ianto teased, not ready to think about the 'past tonight' comment or that James practically said he wanted to date him. There was no way he was ready to think about that, no chance. Not now. Maybe not ever.

But James made sure to say he was fine if they went slowly, and he'd been reassuring Ianto of that fact all night, and also when they'd chatted on the phone, so maybe…

"At least I admit it," James answered, his smile deepening. "Think how many people don't realize it and are complete assholes."

Ianto leaned forward. "So, cons are distance, weird work schedule, my newness to being with a man," he declared, his voice and posture begging James to convince him he was wrong.

"Pros are great sex and chemistry," James offered. "Good conversation. And the drive isn't so bad."

"We look good together," Ianto pointed out.

"That we do."

"I feel comfortable with you."

"Good," James said. He leaned forward, matching Ianto's angle exactly.

"I need to think about this," Ianto blurted. He reached for James's hand, surprising them both. "The dating thing, I mean. I know I want the sex, but…" he trailed off.

"But?"

"This isn't how I thought my life would go."

James raised one of Ianto's hands to kiss his knuckles. He repeated the action with the other hand. Ianto blushed. He felt frozen, mesmerized by the gesture and slightly embarrassed that they were out and other people could have seen it. He tried not to squirm in his chair. This was turning into a much more romantic night than he ever expected. And they hadn't even kissed again beyond that initial thank you peck, though Ianto certainly caught himself checking James out several times and wondering what it would be like to kiss him.

"I'll be patient while you decide," James murmured. "I have time. It doesn't have to be now."

"You, um, you're really ok if it's just a fuck buddy thing?" Ianto asked, feeling butterflies swirling in his stomach. God, he wanted James, but he couldn't deal with dating him. He couldn't admit to wanting more than sex. He didn't. It was just sex. Only sex. Experimentation.

"I'm fine with it," James reassured him. "I've been people's experiment before. I don't mind."

"You're sure?" Ianto felt compelled to ask.

James gave him a soft, genuine smile that warmed his eyes. He squeezed Ianto's hands, running his thumb along the back of one of them. "If all we have is tonight, that's all we have. I'll make it the best night of your life." He paused, his expression growing more serious. "I know what it's like to be scared of what others think, to doubt something about myself I thought was a certainty. You can talk to me about anything, Ianto. Anything at all. If you're confused. If you're scared. Anything. And if all you're looking for right now is sex, that's fine." He paused again, the smile coming back, blinding Ianto with its intensity. "Just tell me if something changes."

"Can you stay the whole night?"

"I'll make you those pancakes I promised last time," James said enthusiastically. "As long as I'm back in Cardiff by 7 on Monday morning, I'm all yours."

"What about Sunday? I thought you had to give your staff the day off."

"Suzie, my second in command, so to speak, agreed to watch the place for me," James explained.

"Then let's go back to mine," Ianto offered, giving James's hands a quick squeeze before letting them go and getting to his feet. They would have sex, and that was a good thing, Ianto decided. He didn't have to commit to dating James. He didn't have to think of it as anything other than a new kind of release, a new kind of experience to have. Lots of people tried it out. And James had said he'd done it before, been with someone who wasn't sure. It would be fine. Yes, sex with James would be fine,

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Sex with James the second time was even better than the first, since this time Ianto was awake, sober, and able to enjoy every nuance of what they did. He wanted to try everything, and James obliged him, giving soft pointers along the way. James had come prepared, bringing a bottle of lube instead of the two sachets from last time, as well as lubricated condoms.

Ianto had taken the plunge and gotten both as well, somehow managing not to blush when the cashier rung him out at the pharmacy. He'd bought condoms before, of course, but he had to fight down the feeling that she knew he was buying them to have sex with a man and that everyone in the entire store could tell what he was going to do and was condemning him for it. In retrospect, he realized that she'd barely looked at him or his purchases, too busy chatting on her mobile while she worked, and no one else had paid any mind, too busy with their own worries and lives to think about a stranger or his potentially deviant sex life. Not that two men having sex was deviant, Ianto told himself forcefully. Just different than what 90% of the population considered normal.

Ianto felt very nervous about blowing James for the first time, though he really wanted to try and had even done research to get an idea of how to approach the matter. He'd done some research on gay sex, too, and some of the consequences of doing it wrong had frankly terrified him, but he could tell, just from the way James kissed him once they were alone, that there wouldn't be anything to worry about. James might be bold and brash and a bit more energetic a person than Ianto was used to having around him, but he was also considerate and caring. He waited for Ianto to decide when it was time to move beyond kissing, and reminded Ianto at every turn that _he_ was setting the pace for them. It only made Ianto want him more.

James encouraged Ianto and told him he was doing great throughout the night, and he stopped worrying, James's groans of pleasure more than enough to tell him he was doing things right. James praised his enthusiasm, his willingness to experiment, his openness. James also checked in with him about his comfort about each step as they moved to more intimate activities, something Ianto appreciated and which gave him an opportunity to ask questions he'd been too scared to talk about over the phone or ask Steve. James answered each question with the seriousness it deserved, adding humor when it seemed appropriate, and Ianto found himself trusting James with his body in a way he'd never felt towards anyone else in his entire life.

James knew what he was doing, knew how it would likely affect Ianto, and turned sex into more than just a pleasurable activity. It became a way for them to connect and get to know each other. It became a new language, one Ianto felt comfortable with almost immediately. He might not be ready to date a man, but he was more than ready to have sex with _James_. And because they were able to take their time, and experiment a little bit, find each other's erogenous zones, and kiss, Ianto could let himself go and enjoy it in a way he hadn't been able to when they first got together. James, it seemed, was just as happy to take things slowly, to explore Ianto's body as Ianto explored his.

With James, Ianto had no shame or no hang-ups about his body, no awkwardness about being naked, like he usually did with the girls he'd dated or pulled. He put it down to James's own self-confidence, as well as the comfort of being with a man, who had the same equipment and wouldn't be judging him the way a girl might, looking at him naked for the first time. He'd discovered, rather uncomfortably, that girls had a way of looking at him and finding him wanting, or, worse yet, slightly disgusting. They'd comment on how much he sweated, or how he smelled, or how he had too much body hair. Sometimes he thought they found him more attractive clothed.

James, on the other hand, made him feel beautiful, or whatever adjective was appropriate for making a man feel attractive. He loved Ianto's dark chest hair, his pale skin, and the curve of his arse, touching (and kissing and _licking_) him in places no girl had ever gone before with Ianto. He touched Ianto's cock with reverence, complimenting its size and shape and the heaviness of his balls. He didn't care that one was slightly larger than the other, reminding Ianto that not only was everyone different, but that variety was the spice of life, right before he started giving Ianto a blow job that had him gasping for air, the feeling was so intense. He seemed to relish the taste of Ianto's sweat, as well as other, more intimate, flavors.

James kissed him goodbye at three in the morning on Monday, promising to call soon. Ianto, half-asleep and groggy from a weekend of dates, flirtation, and sex, lay back and accepted the gesture, giving James's hand a final squeeze before drifting off, a soft, contented smile on his face. He didn't even hear James letting himself out of the flat, though the text message alert three hours later woke him enough to note that James made it back to Cardiff without mishap.

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	4. Chapter 4: New Patterns of Behavior

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 4: New Patterns of Behavior**

Posted: September 6, 2014

A/N: You know how you've already written 100k words in a story and one comment from a reviewer sparks a strong need to _re-write an entire chapter_? And all of a sudden the 2500-word chapter 4 becomes 3700-words _each_ chapters 4 & 5 because it nearly tripled in length? Well, that's what happened to me. Thank you, oh lovely readers, for the inspiration! I've never had such a positive response to the start of a story before (except that one time when I asked if a one-shot should be more and it morphed into nearly 50 chapters of goodness, but that doesn't count because I asked for the feedback), and I'm loving that you like it so much.

The premise, for those who are new: Ianto and Jack met at a bar. They had sex. Jack said his name was James, and now they're doing the 'fuck buddy' thing.

Enjoy!

Oh, almost forgot to mention: warnings for angst.

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Ianto thought James was the most attractive person he'd ever met, and found he didn't care as much as he thought he might (or should) that he was sleeping with a man. James smelled wonderful, even when covered in sweat and other fluids, and just his lingering scent on Ianto's pillow often gave Ianto an erection when he first crawled into bed at night. He quickly acquired a taste for James's flavors, just as James loved his. And the man was beautiful! Strong, with well-defined muscles, but not overly-huge, he was just an inch taller than Ianto. It took a little while for Ianto to get used to leaning _up_ for kisses, but an inch wasn't a lot and he loved the kisses so much that he didn't care.

There was something about the combination of James's expressive mouth, perfect teeth and cleft chin that made Ianto weak in the knees. And when he laughed or smiled? Ianto was lost. And those eyes! He could drown in those eyes.

James was smart, funny, quirky, and everything Ianto would want in a friend. That they had such great sexual chemistry was an added bonus, and Ianto vowed to enjoy every moment as long as they were together. When they were apart he spent hours just thinking about James and imagining things they could do together. Needless to say, James was up for everything Ianto suggested, often coming back with more suggestions of his own that Ianto then willingly and enthusiastically embraced trying. That was how they ended up at an archery range, where James tried to 'teach' Ianto how to shoot in the most inappropriate way possible. Ianto hadn't even known there were archery ranges in London.

They quickly settled into a pattern: James would come to London on Saturday afternoon, as early as he could manage, and stay through very early Monday morning, kissing Ianto goodbye with a promise for a call or text when he got back to Cardiff. He informed Ianto, when he asked on their third weekend together, that he'd set up a rota for his staff to watch the lab on the weekends while he was away, and though they grumbled, getting to come in to work an hour later during the week seemed to make up for it. There was a place for them to sleep and plenty of distractions if they wanted to play video games or watch movies while the experiments percolated and the scanners and computer programs did their thing. Also, any takeaway they might order those nights went on the company credit card.

One of James's staff, a man named Owen, bitched every single time his name came up, but did it anyway, proving to James that he was dedicated enough to their work. Besides, his bitching was more about not getting to go out on the pull rather than having to be at work overnight, so James didn't pay it much mind. Owen always seemed to find time to go out during the week, if he wanted to.

Saturday became their 'unofficial date night,' with movies and dinners and coming home late to Ianto's flat for hours of sex, while Sundays were often spent lazing in bed, doing things around town or hanging out with Ianto's roommates or friends, ending the night with more sex. Steve had finally gotten laid by the time James came to visit the second time, and the jealous edge to some of his conversations with Ianto virtually disappeared. Ianto pointedly ignored any odd looks that might still be thrown his way, preferring that to an actual confrontation with his roommate that neither of them wanted to have.

He and James got to know each other, shared stories, pizzas, bad television, and lots of sex. They took turns cooking for each other on Sundays, since they both enjoyed it, and Steve and Gary benefited from the improved cuisine around the house and the unofficial competition to make the best food. Ianto, though not nearly as skilled as James, and certainly not into experimental cooking, enjoyed watching James moving around his kitchen. Recipes were created for a reason, he told James frequently, and sometimes the things James wanted to combine made Ianto shudder. Going to the market with James had been an adventure in and of itself, and Ianto vowed after the first time that he would stock the fridge _before_ he arrived to avoid the embarrassment of being seen with a grown man acting like an excited child making (rather loud, shouted across an entire aisle) lewd comments about the shapes of the vegetables or begging for treats and chocolate.

They went to museums, where they actively competed to see who knew more about certain exhibits. Ianto knew more about art, but James beat him hands down at 20th century history, though he also had a passion for dinosaurs and Pompeii, in addition to his (huge) obsession with World War II. They went to movies, too, and Ianto came to appreciate James's humor and ideas about the sci-fi movies and how they could be more 'realistic.' He refrained from saying anything he learned at work about aliens and alien technology. Besides, it was kind of fun making out with James in the back row, almost like he was a teenager again, doing something illicit.

James had a wild (or lewd) story for just about every situation, and the way he talked about his life sometimes startled Ianto with its combination of frank honesty and utter unbelievability. James's stories of work and his team bordered on the awe-inspiring, when Ianto understood them, which wasn't often. James never gave details, though Ianto figured out rather quickly that the other man on the team, Owen, was a medical doctor, and that the two women were more interested in the technological side of their work.

Half the things James said about himself seemed impossible for him to have done, given his age, and yet the way he said them rang with truth. There was no way he could have lived through all of the things he talked about, but — Ianto wasn't totally convinced it was a lie or story. He knew from work that time travel was possible, so maybe James had done it and wasn't comfortable telling Ianto about it because it would be too fantastical to believe. James's favorite book was _The Time Machine, _after all_. _Ianto certainly couldn't mention the time-traveling alien that changed his face every so often that was the Enemy Number One of Torchwood and why the Institute had been founded in the first place.

After a month of James paying for most of the movies, meals out, and museum fees, Ianto joked over dessert that James was his sugar daddy, at which point James made a biting comment about people who were too young to know their assholes from their elbows, threw a pile of notes on the table that was far too large, and stormed out of the restaurant, so furious that he didn't notice people scurrying out of his way. Ianto caught up to him on the street, apologized profusely, and listened to James explain (far too loudly and publicly for Ianto's comfort) just how insulting he'd been. They shagged the argument away an hour later, after Ianto promised to be more thoughtful about off-color jokes.

Once James left, Ianto spent hours researching gay slang and insults and anything he could think of, so he wouldn't make the same mistake again. He might not be gay, and James might claim that his sexuality was 'whoever strikes my fancy at any given moment,' but that didn't excuse being rude or insulting.

He talked to his roommates about it, too, since listening to their opinions often helped him understand James better. Gary, as supportive as always, reassured him that James didn't hate him over the comment, the fact that he'd gone home with Ianto afterwards proof enough of that. He'd be back, Gary said, and hadn't they already talked twice since, and it was only Tuesday? Steve muttered something uncomplimentary about Ianto's choice of jokes and started going into great detail about everything he'd been learning about gay culture and the dynamics of dating an older man.

"We're not dating!" Ianto protested loudly, slamming his beer on the table.

Steve rolled his eyes and shared a look with Gary before answering. "Fine. _Fucking_ an older man," he spat, making the word seem dirty and nasty. "You can't live in Egypt forever."

"What are you talking about?"

"Egypt? De Nial?"

Ianto looked at him blankly.

"Steve," Gary said, a warning in his voice. Steve ignored it.

"Denial, Ianto. You're in denial. You're dating him! There's nothing else it could be. Get your head out of your arse and admit it already!"

"Steve!" Gary shouted, standing. "Stop it!"

Ianto felt his world tilt alarmingly. Were they dating? No! They couldn't be. James promised they'd go at Ianto's pace. He'd promised they were just fuck buddies. He'd —

"Ianto, try to calm down, ok?" Gary said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "Try to take deep breaths."

"I'm not upset. I'm not —" But Ianto couldn't finish his sentence because he couldn't get enough air. Where was the air? Why couldn't he breathe?

He wasn't ready to date a man. He wasn't ready to do more than have sex with James. He wasn't ready for —

"Oh, and now he's having a panic attack," Steve muttered sarcastically. "Perfect. Can't even talk about it, can you?" he taunted Ianto. "You'll fuck him six ways to Sunday but won't —"

"Steve, get out of here!" Gary barked. "You're making it worse."

Ianto slipped sideways, almost falling out of his chair. He caught himself on the table edge, the whole table shaking violently. His beer tipped over. He watched the brown liquid fall to the floor, dripping across the tiles. He'd have to clean it up before it stained them. He'd have to scrub the floor now, to make sure it was clean for when James came on Saturday. When James —

Oh, God. James. James. He'd have to stop seeing James. He couldn't risk dating him. He couldn't risk it being anything more than sex. Because if Steve thought they were dating, James must think so, too. And that meant they were dating, and he wasn't ready. He didn't want to date a man. He wasn't gay. He knew that. He _wasn't_.

It was just sex. Only sex. That's what they'd agreed! James said he was fine with it! They couldn't be dating. No. Not yet. Not when Ianto wasn't ready. Not when the only thing he knew was that he liked the sex.

But if James thought they were dating, and Ianto didn't —

James would leave him.

He wasn't ready to lose James! He couldn't. Not yet. Not when he'd just found him.

He —

Gary slammed a small pill bottle on the table in front of Ianto, startling him out of his panicked thoughts. He filled a tumbler three-quarters with vodka and added orange juice to top it off.

"Take one," he ordered. "And drink all that."

"Huh?" Ianto asked stupidly.

"It'll take the edge off the anxiety and get you to sleep," Gary explained. "You can deal with the rest in the morning."

Very slowly, Ianto picked up the bottle and looked at the label. Clonazepam. He met Gary's eyes, raised his eyebrow in question.

"I used to get anxiety attacks my first year in uni," Gary explained. "They went away, but I kept the prescription up to date, just in case. Take it," he added in a more gentle voice than he'd used earlier.

"It says you're not supposed to drink," Ianto protested.

"Just once, it'll be fine. I survived doing it a dozen times. And it looks like you need it."

Ianto swallowed one of the small, green pills and gulped the vodka.

With everything fuzzy around the edges, Ianto found himself in his bedroom, lying on his bed, staring at the blank white of his ceiling thinking he needed to put some stars up, maybe even constellations. It would make the ceiling more interesting, and James might like it. In the distance, through his closed door, across the flat, through Steve's closed door, he could hear Gary and Steve yelling at each other, shouting, cursing. He couldn't hear the words, and he rather thought that was a good thing. He knew they were yelling about him, about James, about how Steve was out of line to taunt Ianto like he was doing.

Ianto picked up his mobile.

_"I can't talk now," _James said before Ianto could even say hello. In the background he heard police sirens. _"I'll call you tomorrow, ok?" _James hung up, leaving Ianto with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach.

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Ianto called James on his lunch break the next day, leaving the building to get some privacy from the gossip of Torchwood Tower. He couldn't wait any longer. He needed to hear James's voice. He needed reassurance he wouldn't have to leave James, or that James would leave him.

_"Ianto!" _James answered in his usually enthusiastic way. _"What's up, gorgeous? I was going to call you tonight." _

"Um, do you have time to talk? Like, now?" Ianto blurted, his anxiety cresting. He knew his voice sounded slightly panicked. He didn't care. He couldn't care, with the air feeling thin and the tall buildings of the financial district looming above him. He hoped they didn't fall on him like they seemed ready to do. "Please?" he begged. He'd never heard himself sound so needy. He hated it, but couldn't help it.

At the beginning, on their very first date, James had said Ianto could talk to him about anything. Now he was going to test that. Was it true that James would listen and not judge him? Was it true that James would help him understand? He hoped it was true. He needed it to be true.

_"Hold on," _James said. Ianto heard him talking, softer, indicating he moved the phone from his ear, or covered it with his hand. _"Toshiko, server maintenance. Then update the security settings for the whole place. I ran into that reporter again at the coffee shop. He keeps stalking me, we'll have to let Owen deal with him, but I'd rather not let it get to that point. Suzie, I want the monthly budget on my desk by the end of the day. And try not to let Owen spend £500 on lab rats again! Owen, you've got three autopsies, right? I want them in size order. Do the biggest one first. Everyone got it?" _James paused, and Ianto heard a door open and close and James walking. _"All right, I'm free. What's going on? You sound upset." _

"I —" Ianto broke off, not sure what to say or how to start. "I, um, I'm really really sorry about this weekend! I didn't mean to insult you! I'm sorry!"

_"Ianto, we talked about this. It's fine. You don't need to get worked up about it." _

"No, that's not what I mean. I mean, it is, but… I just don't know — I don't know what this is, and it's freaking me out and I don't want to stop, but it's going too fast and Steve said —"

_"Woah, slow down. Take a deep breath with me. Take another one. Good. And another. There, feel better? Start at the beginning." _

"Steve said —" Ianto stopped. How could he tell James what Steve said? How could he talk about it without insulting James? Or hurting his feelings? Or making things more complicated? Or making James want to leave him?

_"What did he say?" _James's voice was soft, gentle, kind. It gave Ianto a modicum of hope that things would be ok. But not enough. He still worried. He still thought James would leave him, no matter how kind he was, no matter how much he'd promised they'd go slowly, that Ianto would make the decisions about what they did. If he thought they were dating, and Ianto didn't, he'd leave him. Ianto was sure of it.

"He said —" Ianto stopped again. He couldn't say it, he couldn't —

_"Deep breath, darling. Just spit it out." _

"He said I was in denial. He said we're dating."

_"You're not dating Steve," _James said with a chuckle. _"I think I'd know if you were." _

"No, he said you and me were dating," Ianto corrected. He found a wall to lean against, appreciating the concrete as a way to keep standing.

_"We're not," _James said after a small pause. In the background, another door closed and James settled into his creaky desk chair. _"Unless you've changed your mind?" _

"No! I'm not — We're not —"

_"Easy, Ianto. I know we're not. So what if he says it? We know what's really happening. That's the important thing, right? That you and me know?" _

"I guess. But —"

_"Darling, he's jealous. He wants a boyfriend and doesn't have one, and he's projecting that onto our relationship. He thinks that because he wants to date a guy, you do, too. You don't, and that's fine. We've been over this. Nothing to get worked up over." _

"You think he's jealous?" Ianto asked, wondering if it was true.

_"I can pretty much guarantee it." _

"How do you know?"

James laughed softly. _"I've been around. I know his type. He'll settle down once he has someone. Regular sex helps with that kind of thing." _

"But you and me…" Ianto trailed off.

_"…Are just having sex," _James finished for him. _"That's all you want, and that's fine. I'll tell you the same thing every day, if you need me to." _

"But —"

_"Sweetheart, don't let him ruin what we have, ok? We're good. We're enjoying each other's company. That's all we need to focus on." _

Ianto took a deep breath and tried to let it out slowly. It came out as a whoosh. "But you want to date me!" he protested. "You said so that first night. At the cafe. You said you wanted more than casual!"

James paused, and Ianto heard the creak of his chair again. Did he imagine the sound of James typing? He must have. There's no way James would be on his computer when Ianto was like this. No way. When James spoke again, there was a catch in his voice. _"Can I be honest? Really honest?" _

"I —"

_"I didn't know you yet," _James said, talking over Ianto's muted attempt at speaking. _"I wanted to leave our options open. I wanted to be available for whatever you wanted, whatever you needed. There are basically two kinds of men who have sex with other men in the 21__st__ century; those who just have sex with them, and those who date them, who want relationships and marriage and everything a straight couple gets. I didn't know which kind you were." _

"So you _do_ want to date me!" Ianto exclaimed.

_"Darling, darling, I —" _James broke off, his voice cracking in a way Ianto had never heard before. He sounded upset. He sounded on the verge of tears. _"Darling, I want you any way you'll have me. You're an amazing man. So much more so than I thought when I first met you. You're funny and intelligent and creative and kind. I don't have enough kindness in my life. I — I don't want to lose you from my life because Steve's being a dick." _Ianto heard him sniff. Was he crying now? Shit!

_"I don't need labels, Ianto. I don't need definitions. If all we are is fuck buddies for the rest of the time we know each other, that's fine, because giving us a label or defining what we're doing isn't worth you having a panic attack in the middle of the street like you're doing! You don't deserve that, and if you think I want to date you and that's what has you standing there against the wall gasping for air, forget about it. I don't. I want you happy. I want you to feel good about this. And I don't know what else I can say to convince you, but it's all true!" _

"James," Ianto whispered, awed by the emotion in the man's voice. He was genuinely upset, genuinely crying. And that was worse than any of Ianto's panic attacks, because this was _James_, a sweet, wonderful man — A man who cared about him more than anyone else, except maybe his mother, and she was _dead_…

_"Please, Ianto. Let it go. Don't think I want more than I do." _

"Are you crying?" Ianto asked, feeling his knees shaking.

_"Maybe a little," _James admitted. Ianto heard him wipe his eyes, sniffle. His legs collapsed under him and he sat on the ground, grunting at the impact of his arse and the concrete. He held his head in his free hand, the other clutching his phone to his ear as tears threatened to overwhelm him, also.

"James, I —" Suddenly, he was crying, too, and it wasn't just James's quiet tears, but huge sobs, gasping, loud, desperate sobs, torn from his throat as if he would die if they didn't escape. As if he would die if James —

_"Ianto!" _

"Don't leave me!" Ianto begged. "Please don't leave me! Please. Oh, God, please, please don't. Don't leave me. Don't leave me," he chanted, and he knew he was rocking back and forth. He probably looked like he was having a fit. But he _was_ having a fit, wasn't he? Sobbing, anxious, sitting on the ground in an alley in the middle of the day, hugging his knees and begging James not to leave him. "Please don't leave. Please."

_"I'm not leaving," _James practically shouted. _"I'm not going anywhere! I'm not leaving you! Listen to me, Ianto. Listen. I'm staying as long as you want me, you hear that? As long as you want me. However you want me." _

"Really?" Ianto whispered, struggling to blow his nose quickly so he could hear James's answer.

_"I'm not leaving you," _James repeated firmly. _"I'd never leave you over something like a label or whatever."_ He paused._ "Do you want me to come tonight?" _

"You have work," Ianto protested, though not very hard.

_"Screw that. Do you want me to come?" _

Ianto let out another sobbing breath, almost choking. "Yes."

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tbc


	5. Chapter 5: James to the Rescue

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 5: James to the Rescue**

Posted: September 13, 2014

A/N: Please enjoy this next chapter. We see a bit more of 'James's' protective side in this chapter, and get an introduction to another OC, Billy. You'll like him. I promise.

For those who are interested in my writing process, I just mapped out the entire story using a calendar... It made me rethink timelines, because it seemed I'd made one arc far too long and another far too short. Doing that will mean you get more chapters, since I realized that there's a bunch of blank space not accounted for that will need to be filled in. Don't worry, though, I have a number of chapters ready to go before I get to that point, and I'm already writing the ones that I'm inserting. It also means I have to rewrite some of the later chapters... And I need to figure out what to do with the whole Lisa situation...

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It took nearly ten minutes for James to talk Ianto out of his panic and sobbing. It took another twelve before Ianto felt like he could get off the phone, and another seven before he could find his way to a Starbucks to buy a mediocre coffee so he could wash his face in the bathroom before going back to work. He'd used his entire lunch break to deal with his emotions, and he hadn't eaten anything. He didn't think he could eat anyway, his stomach was still so upset. He stumbled to his temporary desk and collapsed into his chair.

"You ok?" Billy at the neighboring desk asked. "You look peaked."

"Um, ate something bad for lunch, I reckon," Ianto muttered.

"I doubt coffee's going to settle your stomach, then," Billy pointed out, gesturing at the Starbucks cup Ianto hadn't even touched and forgot he'd been holding.

"Had to buy it to use the bathroom," Ianto answered. "You want it?"

"Not on your life!" Billy said with a laugh. "I'll make you some tea," he offered, and left for the break room.

_I should be at yours by 8, unless I can get off early, _read the text from James ten minutes later. Billy glanced over Ianto's shoulder as he handed him a mug of ginger tea with honey and lemon. Ianto typed a quick acknowledgement and closed his mobile.

"Friend? Boyfriend?" Billy asked.

"Friend," Ianto answered, wondering why he said anything. He barely knew Billy, as this was only the second day they sat next to each other. "I'm not gay."

"Not suggesting you are," Billy hurried to say. "But at a place like this, it's not wise to make assumptions. People tend to surprise us."

"I suppose so," Ianto murmured, blowing on the tea and taking a tentative sip. "This is good. Thanks."

"My grandmother's recipe. She used to say it cured just about anything."

"She…"

"Died three years ago," Billy said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry."

"Hey, at least I can still make her tea," Billy said cheerfully. "She got me into this job, you know. She died because an alien landed in her garden, and when she went outside to see what the commotion was about, it killed her. I saw the whole thing. Torchwood decided it was better to train me to deal with that kind of thing than get rid of me or retcon me, since I dealt with the alien part a hell of a lot better than Gran's death."

"You were close to her?"

"Very."

"I, um, I saw a flier at the job center at university," Ianto offered, not sure what else to say. "Turns out it was one of those psychic paper things, and only people with an affinity for aliens were able to see it and call for an interview. I used to live in Cardiff, where they have that Rift people talk about, so I guess I was predisposed to seeing it."

"Oh, I've seen those. Pretty flash."

"The smallest things are often more exciting than the big ones, aren't they?" Ianto mused.

"You've got that right! Well, I have a meeting. Hope you feel better." Billy patted his shoulder and walked off. Ianto watched him go, wondering if Billy would be a good person to get to know better. He shrugged and turned to his computer. According to his training schedule, he'd be switching desks every Monday for the first three months, in part so that he'd meet other people in the various departments, in part for the higher-ups to decide who to give him as a mentor for the second half of the training period. Of the four people he'd sat next to so far, Billy seemed the nicest, _and_ the most normal.

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"What time is James coming?" Gary asked.

Ianto looked up from the kitchen counter he was scrubbing.

"I can tell by how fanatically you're cleaning," Gary explained. "You only do that when he's on his way."

"A few hours. Eight."

"Then I know when I have to leave," Steve muttered darkly from the doorway, having overheard Ianto's answer. Gary glared at him, and Ianto threw down his sponge to leave for the sitting room. He couldn't deal with Steve now. Not like this. Not again. Not so soon after last night. He collapsed onto the sofa, turned on the tv, and started a video game. A violent video game.

"What happened?" Gary asked, sitting next to him. "He's never come in the middle of the week before."

"I had another panic attack during my lunch break," Ianto admitted. "I was on the phone with him when it happened, and he basically told me he was coming." He handed Gary the other controller. His answer was true enough, he supposed. Knowing James, he might have come even if Ianto said not to.

Gary sighed and started playing halfheartedly to placate Ianto. "Try not to let Steve get to you," he said. "His date cancelled on him last night right before we all talked, and now he's being an asshole."

"I noticed," Ianto barked. "Sorry," he added immediately. "I'm just on edge."

Gary snorted. "Yeah, you are. You want the pills? To have if you need them? I can get a refill for myself, though I haven't used them in a few years."

"I shouldn't be taking medication not prescribed for me," Ianto said. "But… maybe. James works with a doctor. I can ask what he'd think about it."

"Or you could go see a doctor yourself," Gary suggested. "Or a therapist. It might be good to talk to someone."

"I'm not crazy," Ianto snarled. He threw down his controller.

"Whoah, what's gotten into you?"

Ianto paused. He'd never told Gary. He'd never told Steve, as they hadn't reconnected until they both ended up at the same London university. But Steve knew his mother, from when they were kids, before things got so bad, before it happened, before she died. He'd told James, the first person he'd shared it with since he left home, where everyone knew everything about everyone, as happened on the council estates.

James knew, and had been extremely empathetic. He'd kissed Ianto on the corner of his mouth and held him for a few minutes, murmuring softly. "_It's nothing to be ashamed of," _James said, _"Just something that happens to some people." _Ianto had tried to play it off, to say it didn't matter, but James replied that if it still affected him eight years later, it _was_ important. He'd lost his mother to suicide, too, he'd explained, though she'd been depressed, rather than schizophrenic, and it still bothered him. He knew what that kind of loss felt like.

Maybe it would be ok to tell Gary? Not Steve, though. Not with how he was acting. Maybe not ever. He'd met Ianto's mother, and Gary hadn't. He didn't want to ruin Steve's image of her. And he didn't trust Steve at the moment. Ianto glanced behind him to make sure Steve wasn't in the room.

"It's like this —"

The doorbell rang, interrupting him. Ianto breathed a sigh of relief. He wasn't ready to tell Gary, anyway.

"That'll be the Thai food," Gary declared with a grin, standing. Steve walked into the room, making a questioning sound. At the entryway, they heard Gary open the door, then his startled "James? You're early—"

Ianto turned to see James thrust a bag of takeaway into Gary's hands before striding into the flat. His eyes were flashing. He looked like a man on a mission. He looked angry.

James walked directly up to Steve and punched him in the face. Steve staggered back, clutching his bloody lip, eyes wide with surprise. James grabbed him by the front of his shirt to drag him closer, then he hit him a second time, with more force. Steve's nose bloomed red and Ianto wondered if he imagined the crunch because of all the action movies he watched. He'd never seen adult men hit each other in person before, just on-screen, so he had no idea what would really happen. Gary dropped the food, stepping forward to intervene, but James had already tossed Steve away and retreated a few steps.

"If you _ever_ treat him like that again, I will personally guarantee that you never have sex again your entire life," James snarled at Steve, his anger so hot Ianto felt it radiating from him all the way across the room. "And believe me when I say I'll do it. I'm not a man who makes idle threats."

Ianto blinked. The venom in James's voice… He doubted he'd ever seen anyone that angry, that — murderous. No. That couldn't be. It was his imagination going wild. James wouldn't kill anyone. Of course he wouldn't. Certainly not Ianto's friend, his roommate, someone he'd known since childhood.

But Steve was bleeding, looking terrified…

"Do we understand each other?" James growled, his voice tight and controlled. Still angry, still on edge. Steve's answer would determine his next move, that much was clear.

Steve nodded frantically, sending droplets of blood across the floor, splattering down the front of his shirt. "Yes! I'm sorry! I'll never do it again!" He turned to Ianto. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

"Ok," Ianto whispered, not sure what to say. He'd never been in a position like this before. It scared him. _James_ scared him, with his anger and steely presence. His eyes moved to James, who stood in the middle of the room with his arms crossed over his chest. He spat on the floor in front of Steve.

"You're on notice," James declared, his entire focus on Steve, as it had been since he walked into the flat. With a jolt, Ianto realized that James hadn't acknowledged him or Gary. Not even _him_… "I expect better from you from now on. You're supposed to be his friend."

"Yes!" Steve agreed desperately. "Yes, I am! I'm just having a bad week. I'll fix it. I'll make it better. I promise!"

James nodded decisively and uncrossed his arms. He let out a long breath and turned towards Ianto. His expression was kind and open, no hint of the anger that had been there just the moment before. He smiled hesitantly. "Want dinner? I've got a reservation for us in half an hour."

Ianto nodded, mesmerized by James's eyes, by his ability to change his emotional state so quickly. God, his eyes were so blue, so deep. Ianto swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. He could smell James's aftershave all the way across the room, and it made his head spin with desire. "I'll, um, I'll get my shoes," he said, feeling dazed.

Ianto decided to change his shirt, finding a dark blue jumper that would go nicely with James's light blue button down. It seemed almost second-nature to coordinate his outfit with James's. He took the time to straighten up a little, to wash his face and fix his hair. They might not be going on one of their usual dates, but he wanted to look presentable. And he needed to cool his head. He couldn't go out wanting to drag James against the nearest wall and fuck him. That wouldn't do. Not until they got back to his, at any rate, where he could have James bend over against his closed bedroom door to take him standing up. They'd talked about doing that, but hadn't had the opportunity yet to try it. Tonight would be the night, Ianto decided. He just hoped James was up for it.

He entered the kitchen to see Steve sitting at the table, with Gary standing next to him, holding a bottle of rubbing alcohol and a handful of cotton wool. James crouched in front of Steve, examining his face and wiping away the blood.

"I think I broke it," James said apologetically, turning Steve's face to look at his nose from a different angle. "Want me to set it, or do you want to see a doctor?"

"You can set a broken nose?" Gary demanded.

"Will it hurt?" Steve asked, his voice slurred and nasal.

"It'll feel a lot better once it's back in place," James explained. "I've set them before. First Responder training. I do it right, no one will ever know without an x-ray."

"You're a sadistic bastard to even suggest it," Steve grumbled.

"I've been called worse," James replied with a chuckle. "So?"

"Do it," Steve said. He reached for Gary's hand.

"Close your eyes," James said. "On the count of three. One, two…"

"Ow!" Steve shouted when James did it before he expected it. "Motherfucker! I'm gonna kill you!"

James laughed and poked at Steve's nose to make sure it wouldn't move from where he put it. He put on a plaster to remind Steve not to touch it. "No, you're not. How's it feel now?"

Steve opened his eyes and considered. "Better," he admitted reluctantly. James gave him one of his blinding smiles. Steve blinked a few times, his focus on James.

"Good. Now try to lay off the alcohol while you're taking these," James said, handing Steve a pair of blue pills, before giving Gary the bottle. "Two every six hours, for three days. After that two every twelve. Shouldn't need it after a week. I'd avoid driving, too, but I know you don't have a car."

Gary examined the bottle. The label simply said: 'pain meds for IJ's flatmate — just in case' in a hand that was far too scrabbly to be James's. "What is it?"

"Owen's special formula," James explained. "It will help with the pain, swelling, and any fever you might get." He settled on his haunches in front of Steve again. He cupped his face in both hands. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment before James leaned forward and kissed him tenderly on the lips. Ianto's mouth dropped open in surprise. Gary made a quiet choking sound.

"You will make someone _very_ happy one day," James whispered, running his thumbs over Steve's cheekbones. "But it won't be Ianto."

"I know," Steve replied in an ever softer voice. A tear trickled down his cheek. James wiped it away. "That's not — that's not what this was about."

"I know," James said, nodding. "But it had to be said. Your person is out there," he added. "And it sucks waiting, but you'll find him." He wiped at the second tear. "Eat something and get some rest. The pills will knock you out soon."

"Thank you," Steve said, reaching over to wrap his arms around James in a tight hug. James rubbed his back soothingly.

"That's what friends are for," he said. Steve cried silently in James's arms for three minutes before pulling back and wiping his eyes. James nodded again and pecked him on the lips. "I'll see you later." With a final caress of Steve's cheek, James stood, brushing off his knees. He turned to Ianto, who rushed forward to hug him when James raised his arm in invitation. "Now, dinner. Then you and I are having a talk about anxiety."

Ianto frowned, but let James lead him from the flat and to his car, parked half a block away. What did he mean, talk about anxiety? Ianto wasn't anxious anymore. He wasn't. It was a momentary thing, sparked by Steve's baiting. It didn't mean anything.

"Two panic attacks in, what, twelve hours?" James asked, not even waiting until they got to the restaurant to bring up the topic.

"I guess," Ianto muttered.

"There's nothing to be ashamed about getting them," James said. "But I'd like to help you figure out a plan for if they happen again."

"Gary has some meds he says I should take. Clonazepam. I tried it yesterday, and it seemed to help."

James let out a disappointed breath. "Gods, that would explain the email, then, wouldn't it?"

"What email?"

James raised an eyebrow. "The one about putting stars on your ceiling? About David Bowie and _2001: A Space Odyssey_ and _Planet of the Apes._" Ianto blushed crimson. He didn't remember sending that email. Shit. "I wish you'd told me about the drugs before," James continued. "I could have gotten Owen to make up something for you. Klonopin can be addictive."

"Really?"

"It's a benzodiazepine. They're dangerous if not taken appropriately. Owen could make something that wouldn't give you the high those do, but would settle the anxiety."

"He can do that?"

"He was a neurosurgeon before he took the job with me, but he's always had a side-passion for drug formulas. He's very good."

"Is it a good idea to take something from a doctor I've never met?"

James chuckled, ruffling Ianto's hair. "You can trust Owen." Ianto grunted. "Listen, I know you're probably not going to go to a psychiatrist or therapist, right?"

"Not on your life!"

"Then Owen's your only option. Seriously, I'd rather you take one of his creations than klonopin or get yourself mixed up with marijuana or something harder. I'll bring it on Saturday."

"I don't do drugs!" Ianto protested. "I wouldn't do that."

"I've seen people say that and then do it anyway. Anxiety can be hard to deal with."

"I just — I don't know what came over me."

James stopped them in the middle of the sidewalk and pulled Ianto into a real hug, the first one since he arrived. Ianto relished the contact, even though they were out in public. It was ok, though, wasn't it? Just two friends hugging? People did that all the time. He sighed, pulling in a deep breath along with James's wonderful scent.

"I love your aftershave," he murmured.

"Never wear any," James replied with his standard flirty chuckle.

"You smell like that naturally?"

"51st century pheromones. You people have no idea."

Ianto raised his head to look at James, saw the sparkle in his eye that indicated a joke. He smiled back and leaned his head on James's shoulder. They stood like that for several moments, not speaking. Ianto felt warm, cared for. His James had come back, the one he knew, not the harsh, angry one who confronted Steve or the strangely sympathetic and care-taking one from his kitchen. James loosened his grip and leaned in to kiss him.

"Not in public!" Ianto hissed, breaking free of James's arms. Hugging was one thing, but kissing? Not on your life! James pouted, but let him go. "And not after you kissed Steve like that! What was that about, anyway? Are you interested in him, now? Is that it?"

James sighed in frustration and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm not interested in him. He needed a kiss. That's all."

"Did he? And how often will you be —"

"I broke his nose, Ianto. I hurt him. He needed some comfort after that if he was going to trust me again. I'm not going to make a habit out of it."

"No?"

"No." James turned abruptly towards the restaurant and started walking. "If you can't deal with me kissing someone else occasionally we need to talk about what we're —"

"That's not what I mean!" Ianto said, bounding after him. "Don't put words in my mouth."

"Then what do you mean?"

"Why did you kiss him after you punched him like that? Aren't you still angry?"

James stopped again, so suddenly Ianto plowed into him. "No, I'm not angry with him anymore. I'm angry with myself. I over-reacted. I had to make up for it."

"By _kissing_ him? And you had those pills! Did you know you'd do something?"

"I found them in my pocket when I went to pay for the takeaway," James said, opening the door to the restaurant for Ianto to precede him inside. "I guess Owen thought I might do something like that."

"You paid for Gary's food?"

"Sure. Why not?"

Ianto just shook his head and followed the hostess to their table. "Wait. Your staff know my name?" he asked as they looked over the menu.

"Your roommates and friends know mine," James pointed out.

"But they work for you…"

"Doesn't mean they're not my friends," James said. "I spend a lot of time with them. We're like family, sometimes. Playing, laughing, bickering. We play pranks on Owen, he gives it right back. I tease Toshiko about her obsession with the computers, Suzie and Owen flirt with each other when they're not fighting, everyone razzes me about my sex life. It's a relatively casual place, unless my boss comes for an inspection. Then we all have to dress up and pretend to be professional."

"I thought _you_ were the boss. The director."

"Of the Cardiff branch," James explained. "There's also headquarters in London, And offices in Scotland and Ireland. We've had branches in China and India, a few in Africa, one in the US, but we've been consolidating back to just the UK for a while now."

"So, do you wear a tie when the boss comes?" Ianto asked, accepting a glass of wine from the server. James grinned and shook his head.

"Never wear them. Inspection only happens once or twice a year, anyway."

"You don't sound like you enjoy it," Ianto commented.

"I like to be able to do my own thing. Headquarters is more —" James paused, searching for the word he wanted. "— Old World," he finally said. "Modernized, modern, even, but their outlook is stuck in the past."

"Says the man who wears a WWII greatcoat in the middle of the summer," Ianto teased.

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tbc


	6. Chapter 6: Aren't you coming up?

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 6: Aren't You Coming Up?**

Posted: September 20, 2014

A/N: I'm glad everyone's enjoying the story so much! Thanks for all the favorites, follows and reviews! As I said at the beginning, we're in for a long ride with this one, made longer by my obsessive need to use a calendar to sketch out what's happening to make things work in a realistic, scheduled way. And that's a work in progress, since I'm not sure if Ianto should meet Lisa in chapter 10 or 12. Whichever one I choose will impact the redesigned story arc. I'll let you know what I decide.

Common question about the story #1: Do Ianto and Jack know they each work for Torchwood? Answer: We have no idea what Jack knows. Ianto has no idea. He can't mention it b/c he's signed the Official Secrets Act.

Common question #2: When will the big reveal happen? Answer: When I decide it's time. It'll be epic. Then there will be fall out.

Common question #3: How often will you update? Answer: I update on Saturdays, US time. I try to make it happen in the mornings, but can't always promise that. (Though, I may add an update ahead of schedule if the review response is overwhelming.)

Question you haven't asked yet: Will we see into Jack's head? Answer: Of course! Just not in the way you think. And not for a long time.

And now, back to our regularly-scheduled story! Warnings for sex in this chapter.

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"Aren't you coming up?" Ianto asked when James dropped him off after dinner and didn't immediately turn off the car to get out with him. It was a strange dinner, Ianto had to admit. He sat there picking at his food, still anxious, still not sure of James after the incidents at home. To see James so angry that he punched Steve? To see him kiss Steve as if nothing happened? Crazy!

James kept up a cheerful chatter the entire meal, clearly trying to make up for Ianto's silence. He talked about his team, his life, Cardiff, telling funny anecdote after funny anecdote. He encouraged Ianto to eat more, offering tidbits from his own plate. Ianto zoned out through most of it, not even hearing the words, just comforted by James's voice.

James paused, unsure if he should get out of the car or not, indecision written on his face.

"Come on. You can't leave without kissing me at least as much as you kissed Steve. That's not fair," Ianto cajoled. "We haven't even kissed once!" James turned off the engine and followed Ianto into the building, knowing that Ianto wouldn't allow them to kiss on the street.

Gary, watching rugby highlights in the sitting room when they got upstairs, informed them that Steve was feeling a little better, had eaten a huge helping of pad thai, and was now in his room sleeping. Ianto pulled James through to his bedroom, shut the door and kissed him. Hard. His mind went back to the fantasy of taking James right there. He reached for James's belt.

"Ianto, slow down," James protested, extricating himself.

"Why? I've been waiting to kiss you all night!" Ianto took hold of James again, tilting his own head for another attempt at a kiss as he did so.

James grabbed Ianto's hands where they rested on his hips and pushed him to the bed, sitting him down before sitting next to him. "We still need to talk about this."

"About what?"

"About you and me, about what we're doing."

Ianto froze. "What?" he squeaked. The room started spinning. "You're leaving me?"

"Of course not! But I can't stay overnight today," James explained patiently, moving to pull Ianto against his chest when he noticed him swaying. "I have work in the morning, and so do you. I don't want to have sex and leave immediately. It doesn't feel good. Not after the day you've had. When it's Monday morning and I'm leaving, we've already had two days, so it's not the same."

"But —"

"Easy, darling," James cooed, stroking Ianto's hair. "I'll be back on Saturday. Nothing's going to change. I just don't want to hurt either one of us tonight."

"You never hurt me!" Ianto protested.

"Not physically, maybe," James said. "But if we start kissing for real, and have sex, and I leave, can you guarantee that you'll be ok with that in the morning? That you'll be able to go to work and have a normal few days without another panic attack?"

Ianto's shoulders slumped, admission enough that he couldn't make that promise. "I'll miss you," he whispered. James hugged him more tightly.

"I know. I'll miss you, too."

"You scared me today," Ianto said after a minute. "I've never seen anyone that angry before."

James let out a deep breath. "I know that, too. I'm sorry. I was driving up here, and I couldn't get the picture of you sobbing in the alley like that out of my head. I got so angry at him for making you doubt what we have, what we're doing. I had to do _something._"

"I need you to kiss me. I need to know the real you again. The not-angry you."

"Ianto —"

"Please. To prove to me that you're not leaving."

"Emotional blackmail, much?" James asked, even as he leaned over to kiss Ianto soundly on the mouth. Ianto clung to him, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. Soon he was on his back with James on top of him. Maybe this was a good way to have sex? They didn't need to be standing tonight, Ianto thought, revising his earlier plan. It might be better this way. More kind. He needed it after all the anxiety. He needed it after the violence. And how did James know he'd been in an alley when he was crying, anyway? They hadn't talked about that.

He let go of the question and opened his mouth to allow James's tongue access. He needed this, the gentleness, the sex. He would bet good money that James needed it, too. Neither of them had been themselves tonight. Now all he had to do was convince James to stay. James relaxed, settling his weight on Ianto. They were both aroused. Ianto pulled his head back, let it drop to the mattress. He knew how to get James to stay. He simply had to play to his libido, to pretend nonchalance, to make it _James's_ idea to stay.

"There. You can go now," Ianto said casually, part one of his plan.

James huffed. "Fucking A! Did you really just say that? Now?"

"I got my kiss," Ianto said cheekily, daring James to protest, part two. "I never said I wanted sex. That was you projecting."

James closed his eyes, lowering his head so Ianto couldn't see his face. His shoulders started shaking. Ianto tensed. Was he upset? Was he angry again? Had he pushed too far? Was he —

James's laughter bubbled out of him in a joyous rush. He laughed so hard tears started leaking out of the corners of his eyes. Slowly, Ianto smiled, then chuckled. James's laughter was infectious.

"You prick! You evil little monster! I'm gonna have to punish you for that!" James exclaimed, shifting so he could tickle Ianto, deft fingers finding their way under Ianto's jumper almost instantly.

"No! Stop!" Ianto shouted, giggling, struggling to get away, to get out from under James, to throw him off. The struggle made him more aroused, his erection pressing against his jeans painfully. He needed to be naked. He needed James to be naked. He needed — "Stop!"

The door banged open. Gary stood in the doorway, looking from one to the other with an expression of concern on his face. Ianto and James lay frozen, staring at him in surprise.

Ianto tried to hold in the laughter. He really did. He really, _really_ did, but it burst out out, loud and overwhelming. James lowered his head to Ianto's chest, hiding his face against Ianto's half pushed-up jumper as he joined the laughter.

"Assholes," Gary muttered under his breath. "I was worried about you!"

"Nothing to see here," James said, having gotten himself mostly under control again. He casually caressed the exposed part of Ianto's abdomen. "Sorry!" He giggled.

"You're a bunch of children, you are," Gary declared. "See if I try to help you again," he grumbled as he walked away. Ianto let out a sigh of relief that Gary hadn't seemed upset seeing James touching him. He'd been more upset seeing James kiss Steve, he realized, and that probably had more to do with James and Ianto being 'together,' in their casual way, than that it was two men kissing. Gary was so good about that. He didn't care that Ianto was having sex with a man. He didn't push him to claim that it was more than it was. Kind of like James, in that respect. A good friend who understood him.

Ianto looked at James and the intensity of his gaze killed any remaining laughter. James lowered his head to kiss Ianto more deeply and tenderly than he ever had before. Ianto drank it up like a sponge filling with water, then gave back with just as much intensity, everything else washed away in a tide of emotions he simply allowed himself to feel.

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"That's it, darling. Right there. Yes! More! Oh!"

Ianto gasped, moaning at the need in James's voice. He was close, so very close to his orgasm, and James was right there with him. He opened his eyes to look down at James, whose face was scrunched up as he chased his release. James never looked more beautiful than right then, with his eyes squeezed shut, his mouth open as he panted, sweat running down his neck and chest. Ianto wanted to lick it off, so he did. James moaned. Ianto felt James's entire body tense, felt the fluttering of his muscles around Ianto's cock, felt his hand speed up as he fisted his own cock, felt his nails dig into Ianto's back. Ianto paused, just long enough to get James's attention.

James opened his eyes slowly, the blue of his irises almost gone, and the expression in them was pure desire. Ianto angled his hips and thrust hard, leaning over to kiss James as he did it. He muffled James's inarticulate cry of pleasure between their lips, even as hot semen spurted between them.

"Aah — mmph!"

James panted, catching his breath, watching Ianto let go to focus on his climax now that he'd satisfied himself of James's. Before Ianto could get to that point, however, James moved, pulling himself out from under Ianto and shoving Ianto against the headboard. Ianto opened his mouth to protest.

In the blink of an eye, James whipped the condom off Ianto's erection and swallowed him whole, the head of Ianto's cock brushing the back of his throat. Ianto cursed, thrusting wildly. Without conscious thought, he grabbed James's head, shoved him down and held him there. James gave a token protest, his gurgling request for air making Ianto's head spin. Both hands tugging tightly on James's hair to set the pace, Ianto ruthlessly fucked his face, only letting go when his orgasm slapped him across the face with its power. James held him, sucking impossibly hard as he pulled off Ianto's cock, drawing out a shuddering aftershock and even more cum into his mouth. He didn't lose a drop.

When Ianto came down from his high, he realized James was doubled over, resting his forehead on Ianto's thigh, his hair brushing tantalizingly against Ianto's abdomen. Ianto had one hand wrapped around James's bicep while the other gently massaged James's neck. Both of James's hands bracketed Ianto's hips, his thumbs swirling across his hipbones. Ianto's cock twitched, but he knew it was too soon for him to get hard again. It'd be a while, after an orgasm that powerful.

"Thanks," James whispered, coughing slightly as he gasped for air.

Ianto blinked lazily, his head still buzzing. "Wow. What the fuck was that?" he asked after a minute. James smiled against his thigh.

"Liked that, did you?"

"God, yes!"

James's pleased chuckle soon morphed into a cough and he sat up to get a better angle for breathing. He sported a huge grin as he answered, even so. "That, my darling, was your first foray into breath-play," he explained. "And let me tell you —" James sneezed suddenly, all over Ianto's chest and stomach.

"Ew! Why didn't you tell me you were sick?" Ianto demanded with a disgusted moan. He tried to twist away, but the coolness of the wet wipe James produced and rubbed over him soothed him back to stillness, especially when James followed the cold with his warm hands.

James laughed again, tossing the wet wipe in the general direction of the rubbish bin. It landed on the floor next to the used condom he'd thrown earlier. "I'm not sick. That was one of your pubes up my nose."

Ianto gave a small, embarrassed laugh. "Sorry."

"Hey, no need to be sorry," James said, lying back down, resting an arm under the pillow. Ianto resisted the urge to lick James's underarm where it was so prominently displayed. That might be too intimate a gesture… Instead, Ianto snuggled against James's side, his head resting on James's chest, one leg thrown over James's thigh. He listened to the thump-thump of James's heartbeat as it started slowing down and the whoosh of air moving in and out of his lungs as he breathed. "For a beginner, you did that really well. I'm surprised, actually. Didn't think you'd go for that kind of thing."

"What kind of thing are we talking about?" Ianto asked, already feeling sleepy. He yawned and ran his hand along James's stomach and up his body to caress his chest. He played idly with a nipple, feeling it harden. James shifted, his cock twitching against Ianto's leg, though it was too soon even for him, with his insatiable appetites, to get another erection. Ianto wanted to stay awake, wanted to hear what James was talking about, but his eyes drooped.

"Breath-play," James answered. He reached for the bottle of water from the nightstand and took a long drink. He started coughing again, rousing Ianto slightly. "When you held me down around your cock like that. I couldn't breathe, and I was _this_ close to passing out, but you gave me enough opportunities to get a quick breath that I didn't." Ianto looked up to see that James was holding his thumb and forefinger half an inch apart from each other, indicating just how close he'd been to passing out. Ianto frowned. "Fucking hot, is what it was," James added, rubbing his throat. "We'll have to practice that. It's been a while for me. Last time was — Hmm, three years ago, with that dominatrix, I think. What was her name? Gina? Jill? Jennie? I'm not sure. It's hard to find someone who's good at it, let alone someone I'd trust to do it with, so I tend to go to the professionals, but... "

Ianto let him ramble, not listening, his mind working overtime. Professionals? Dominatrix? What? Did James _pay_ some woman to choke him? Was that one of his many kinks? Ianto wasn't sure he liked the idea of James liking it… of him doing it to James like he did… and yet he liked the idea of James _paying_ for someone _else_ to do it even less…

"...of course, Robbie was the best. He knew how to do it just right, and his cock was huge! I had to practice to take him all the way, but, man, was it fun. I was buzzed from lack of air for an hour after he got done with me! Best professional dom I've met that side of the Atlantic, though not the best over here. That would be…"

"You've _paid _for sex?" Ianto blurted, unable to contain himself anymore, interrupting James's convoluted mutterings. He knew he sounded horrified, but he couldn't help it. This was James he was talking about. Why would James need to do such a thing? Casual sex with random strangers was one thing, but _paying_ for it?

James snapped his mouth shut, his entire body tense. "I take it you don't approve?" he asked after a minute.

"Well, I suppose it's none of my business —"

"You're right. It's not," James barked, climbing out of bed and pulling on a pair of boxers to go to the bathroom. Ianto watched him leave with a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach. What had he said now? What could he say to make it better? He had to make it better, or James would leave -

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped at you," James said when he returned. He sat on the edge of the bed. Ianto sat up and reached out for him, but James moved away.

"You take a lot of shit for it, when people find out, don't you," Ianto guessed, knowing he was now on the list of people who'd reacted badly to finding out.

"You could say that," James muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Isn't it dangerous, though? I mean, with all the diseases out there…"

James grunted. "Darling, I don't let _us_ fuck without a condom when I know perfectly well we both have clean STI panels. Do you honestly think I'd fuck a prostitute without them?"

"Well, no…"

"And it's not sex I'm looking for when I do that, anyway," James continued. "It's being dominated, being told what to do, being able to let go of being in charge for a little while." He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. A few strands came off in his hand. He frowned at them before brushing them into the rubbish bin, picking up the other rubbish while he was at it. "Just because there's a sexual component doesn't mean it's about sex."

"You like being dominated?"

"Sometimes."

"Oh." Ianto paused, thinking back to the sex just now. He'd grabbed James's head and forced him to take his cock all the way down his throat. He'd blocked James's airway with his cock. He'd fucked James's face, without any regard for anything but his own pleasure. And James _liked _it?

James started coughing again, and Ianto suddenly realized why. He'd shoved his cock down James's throat! And he hadn't been gentle about it. He'd been rather rough, actually. No wonder he was coughing! His throat probably felt raw and scratchy. It probably hurt. Ianto knew his had felt off the first few times he'd blown James, and James had been very slow and let Ianto do all the movement, let him set the pace and how deep he took him…

"I'm making you tea!" Ianto declared, pulling on some clothes and dashing to the kitchen. James followed a minute later and draped himself over Ianto as he watched the kettle. He hadn't bothered with a shirt, but Ianto wasn't about to scold him about it. Not when he'd just hurt him like that.

"I'm fine, you know," James said softly. "You didn't hurt me."

"I'm still making you tea."

James kissed the side of his head. "Thanks for taking care of me."

They stood like that in silence until the water boiled. Ianto made the tea and set a timer. From the other end of the flat they heard Steve moving around. He wandered into the kitchen, a spoon in his mouth and an empty tub of ice cream in his hand. He stopped short.

"All right?" Steve asked, dropping the empty carton in the rubbish bin. His posture was stiff, Ianto noted. Of course it would be, being near them. Ianto felt himself tensing up, too.

"We're fine," Ianto answered. "Just making tea."

"Ah, you'll probably want the honey, then. I got some new stuff the other day. It's in the usual cabinet." Steve put his spoon in the dishwasher.

James reached over Ianto's head to open the cabinet without moving away from where he was plastered against Ianto's back. "Elderflower honey," he said, reading the label. "All natural. Looks good. Thanks."

Steve gave them a tentative half-smile and a nod. "See you," he said, turning and shuffling away. Ianto let out a breath.

"I hope I didn't make things worse," James muttered.

"We'll see," Ianto answered. "He had a date last week, and it seemed to go well, though the guy canceled for today, Gary said."

"That would explain some of his bad mood, then, wouldn't it?"

"Yeah."

"They fucked yet?" James asked.

Ianto chuckled and turned off the timer, pulling out the teabags and adding honey to their tea before handing one mug to James. "I think so. And if not, they're about to. He asked me what kind of lube we use."

"Only the top of the line for you, darling," James said, blowing on his tea and taking a small sip. They returned to Ianto's bedroom.

"Why do you keep calling me that?" Ianto asked.

"Darling? I don't know. I like it, I guess. Do you want me to stop?"

"No." Ianto paused. "I think I like it, too. Just don't say it in front of the guys, yeah?"

James's smile almost blinded him with its joy. "Sure. Good."

"But it doesn't mean we're more than we are," Ianto clarified. "We're just fucking."

James rolled his eyes and took another sip of his tea. "I _do_ realize that, you know," he said. "You don't have to bring it up every time we see each other."

"I don't!" Ianto protested.

"Yes, you kind of do. But it's ok. If you need to keep saying it, it's fine. I'm just saying you don't _have_ to."

"Am I annoying you?"

"Not at all. Just making sure we're on the same page."

Ianto sipped at his tea. It was good, like Steve said. The elderflower honey added something floral. They drank in silence, and Ianto decided they didn't need to take the mugs back to the kitchen immediately. They cuddled under the blanket.

"Thanks for staying," he whispered in the dark.

"You're welcome. It was stupid of me to think of leaving, wasn't it?"

"You _can_ be an idiot sometimes," Ianto said with a laugh. "But you're my idiot, so that's ok."

James hummed in contentment, nuzzling Ianto's neck. "As long as we understand each other," he murmured.

"Go to sleep," Ianto said, adjusting his alarm clock. "I want to wake up early enough to have sex in the morning."

"Your wish is my command," James answered, kissing Ianto one last time before settling. He didn't leave until six-thirty the next morning, with kiss-swollen lips and a sore arse, wearing wrinkled clothes and with a thermos of Ianto's coffee in his hands. He texted Ianto later in the day to complain that his team had given him shit about it. Ianto smiled to himself and told James to get used to it.

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tbc in Chapter 7: Eight Weeks, and Counting...


	7. Chapter 7: Week 8 and Counting

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 7: Eight Weeks, and Counting...**

Posted: September 27, 2014

A/N: Writing update: I'm satisfied with the next 17 chapters, then I have a major revise of the next three... I'm ok with the following 13. Then I have an even bigger rewrite of the next dozen to go along with the first 35... so you have an idea of how long this thing will be, and I haven't even mentioned the next nine that are half-written after that, or the last half-dozen which are just in outline form... or the epilogue, which might end up having to be either _very _long or two chapters... haven't decided which yet.

Meanwhile, back to the story. Warnings for sex.

Enjoy!

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Ianto returned from the market on Saturday afternoon to find James standing on a chair in his room, applying glow-in-the-dark stars to his ceiling. There were rough pencil sketches of constellations, and markings next to each star that Ianto didn't recognize. It looked almost like a different language. It seemed like James had been there for a while, to have that much done. He hummed _Moonlight Serenade_ as he worked, his hips swaying slightly to the tune as he danced on the chair.

"Ahem."

"Ianto!" James exclaimed, turning. The wooden pencil fell from behind his ear at his enthusiastic movement. "Welcome back!"

"What are you doing?"

"Putting up stars," James explained. "Isn't it obvious? You said you wanted to do it the other week when you were high on klonopin and emailed me about it, but none were up last week, so I thought I'd surprise you."

Ianto rolled his eyes. "Get down here and kiss me," he ordered, motioning James off his chair. James jumped down and accepted Ianto's kiss with passion and thoroughness. "How did you get in?" Ianto wondered.

"Steve let me in before he and Gary left. I didn't think you'd mind that I was early."

"Text me next time, all right? I would have wanted to be here."

James grinned and kissed him again.

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"…And _that_ is Terra's Breath," James said, pointing to the last of the constellations. "See the largest star? In the center? That's Sol."

"Sol? As in, the Sun?" Ianto asked sleepily. James had been describing the constellations and how they got their names for over an hour, and since it was past 1am when they finished having sex and started talking, Ianto struggled to follow James's winding tales.

"Yep. This is the summer sky on my home planet of Boeshane. It was only visible in the dead of night, but I loved staring up at the stars so I'd sneak out of the house when my parents were sleeping. I wanted to travel the stars, you know. See the universe. See Earth. It was three thousand years since humans first orbited Earth, and they'd been expanding throughout the galaxy ever since. I wondered what the planet was like. Was it an industrial wasteland? Was it preserved natural habitats for nearly extinct animals? Did people still live there?"

"What are you _talking_ about?" Ianto demanded, completely baffled. A yawn interrupted him from asking anything else. He snuggled closer.

"_An Autobiography of a Time Traveller,"_ James answered, kissing Ianto's temple. "The book I always wanted to write. It's about a dashingly handsome man from the 51st Century who joins the Time Agency after a tragic incident in his youth that left him homeless, penniless, and without family. He has some adventures, and eventually ends up on Earth in the 19th century and has to struggle to fit in."

"That's a really neat idea," Ianto said.

"I like it."

"Tell me more," Ianto said. "What kind of adventures does he have? What's his name? How long have you been wanting to write it?"

"I've had it swirling around my head my whole life, it seems," James said. "Hell, I made up my own constellations, didn't I?" He started running his hands up and down Ianto's back in a slightly hypnotic way. "His name is Jax, and he was born on the Boeshane Peninsula, the largest colony on the planet Boeshane. He was part of the first full generation born there, because his parents were born on the colony ship en route from Trintalasis Major, though many of his uncles and aunts were born planetside. The warships had faster-than-light travel by then, but colony ships had to follow more traditional travel practices, and it took nine years for the colonists to get to Boeshane, so they had a generation of children already by the time they arrived. Jax's grandparents were in the second shuttle to land on the planet, and they…"

Ianto listened, drifting to sleep as James described the colony and what it was like growing up in a place where every child was loved and wanted, where parents encouraged every dream a child had, where the threat of invasion constantly loomed overhead, but the people never lost hope.

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Ianto woke around four in the morning, the need to relieve his bladder a slightly painful sensation. Careful not to wake James, he climbed out of bed. Staring at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands, he paused.

"I'm having sex with a man," he said to himself. "I've been having sex with a man for _eight weeks._ Ten, if we count the first time." He paused again. "Shit." He splashed cold water on his face, thinking of earlier in the evening.

They went to an open-air cafe after James finished putting up the stars (and after a quick shag and an even quicker pair of showers because the others had come home by that point and Ianto refused to let James convince him to share a shower, since he knew full-well it would lead to another round of sex and he didn't want _both_ Steve and Gary to overhear them, just knowing Gary heard most of it through the wall at night was bad enough), and drank coffee after coffee, talking about books and movies and sports. They took a walk by the Thames, not touching because Ianto was too nervous to hold James's hand where others could see, but enjoying the warm summer evening, still talking, occasionally bumping shoulders. By that point James was starting to comment on passers-by and speculating about their sex lives.

They went to dinner at a small, romantic Italian restaurant, drank some lovely red wine, and returned to Ianto's to curl up on the sofa and watch one of the movies they'd talked about earlier in the day. Steve was out again, and Gary joined them for a while, but he left when James leaned over to whisper something in Ianto's ear and Ianto turned his head for a kiss instead. They managed to make it to Ianto's room before things got too out of control, and Gary had stayed in the sitting room for a while, Ianto thought, though not long enough to miss everything.

Ianto sighed. He rubbed his thumb against the first two fingers of his right hand and stared at them for a minute. _These fingers have been in James's arse, _he thought. _My cock has been in his arse. My __tongue__ — _

He stopped that train of thought ruthlessly. He wasn't going there. Not tonight. Not at four in the morning. Not eight weeks after their first date, when he was still feeling so insecure about the whole thing. His anxiety had been much worse since the altercation with Steve, and he found himself on the phone with James almost every night, just to hear his voice and reassure himself that they were still friends, that James wasn't leaving him. He'd accepted the pills James brought from Owen, and they helped, though James or Gary often had to remind him to take them when the anxiety grew too quickly for him to remember them on his own.

Three weeks ago he and James stopped speaking more than a few words to each other for three days, until Ianto called after midnight when he couldn't take missing James any longer to find James drunk off his arse and worrying that Ianto would stop their arrangement because of James's job and how he'd had to leave dinner for Cardiff, cursing a blue streak and getting ready to break speeding laws to get back before things got even more out of hand than Suzie said they'd been. He and James had three hours together, none of which involved sex, though there'd been a bit of snogging when James first arrived. And the obligatory conversation about anxiety and the pills James brought from Owen.

That night Ianto sighed, paid the bill and took a cab home, trying to figure out if it was worth it to spend his weekends with someone who could abandon him so suddenly with no explanation at all and just a perfunctory kiss on the cheek. (Which didn't phase him at the time, even though it was right in the middle of the restaurant, because he was so upset James was leaving in the first place to really notice James had done it until later.) Ianto had been peeved that James had to leave, but it had been the lack of a reason that had gotten him the most upset, and the fact that James then categorically refused to explain himself made him stop talking to him.

Unlike the argument the week before about sugar daddies, which Ianto claimed responsibility for, this was on James.

The gourmet dark chocolate that arrived at his door fourteen hours after Ianto's midnight call with a very contrite apology helped him feel better about the whole thing, and James in particular.

James couldn't come the next weekend because work was still out of control, but they spent a lot of time on the phone while James's 'experiments' 'did their thing.' Ianto learned a new appreciation for phone sex. And how soothing it was to fall asleep to the sound of James reading to him. He'd never done that kind of thing with a girlfriend, though both Gary and Steve said they'd done something similar with their girlfriends when still in secondary school.

James redeemed himself completely by showing up unannounced at Ianto's weekly trivia night Wednesday and winning the match for their team with his eclectic knowledge of history and random facts about seemingly everything under the sun. Later, Ianto allowed James to make it up to him in such a personal and enthusiastic fashion that Gary banged on the wall to get them to 'stop shagging and go the fuck to sleep! Some of us care about work in the morning.'

Ianto didn't even mind waking up alone, the thought that James would spend five hours in his car for just eight hours with him warming his heart and keeping a slightly dopey smile on his face all day. The text waiting for him in the morning didn't hurt, either. Billy, no longer at the neighboring desk but still friendly and _normal_, asked if anything was up when they bumped into each other, and Ianto just shrugged and smiled.

Needless to say, James received an enthusiastic welcome when he arrived three days later for their regular Saturday date. The guys were gone for the weekend, so Ianto finally got to fuck James standing up, right there in the entryway. They both enjoyed it immensely and tried for a repeat performance in the shower the next day. It took some getting used to, but it worked out in the end. Fucking on the sitting room sofa worked, too, and the kitchen floor, and at one point James wanted Ianto sitting on the counter while he blew him, but Ianto put his foot down. They cooked _food_ there!

That was last week, and things were on a much more even keel for Ianto. Seeing James two weekends in a row after missing out on two felt really good, and his anxiety hadn't shown up at all since he came home to find James already in his flat.

Even with Steve's apology and James's intervention, things were strained between him and Ianto, and they were both avoiding being alone with the other. Gary, and James when he was around, made it possible for them to be in the same room together. Ianto was glad they had that much. He didn't want to lose one of his best friends. And they lived together, for God's sake! They had to find a way to fix it. Steve might be struggling to find guys to sleep with or date, but that didn't mean he had to take out his bad mood on Ianto just because he had a fuck buddy.

James jokingly suggested they bring Steve in for a threesome, which Ianto rejected immediately and rather harshly. Steve was his friend. He didn't have sex with his friends. (Except James. He was a special case.) And, he admitted (reluctantly) to himself, but not at all to James, that he didn't want to share James with _anyone, _especially someone he'd already seen James kiss once. He hadn't liked it then, and he doubted he'd like it now. Not that he would tell James _that_, either, though he rather suspected James knew. Those kinds of thoughts felt suspiciously like jealousy, and one didn't feel jealous of one's fuck buddy having extra-curricular activities. He just didn't want to _know_ about them.

What would it feel like to fuck James without a condom? Or have James fuck him? He'd probably never find out, would he? One didn't have unprotected sex with fuck buddies, after all. Especially _male_ fuck buddies. Especially male fuck buddies who made no bones about their history sleeping with both women _and_ other men. They were both free to date or sleep with other people, though he didn't think James was, and he knew _he_ wasn't. He hadn't done more than look at a girl in weeks, and even then it had been because James pointed her out.

He thought of how good it felt when he thrust into James for the first time… and the second, and third, and — God, it felt good. Hot and tight and perfect around his cock. He'd never felt anything like it with the girls he'd been with. James knew how to squeeze and tease and bring him to the edge and pull him back and keep them both going for quite a while. That said something about James's experience, of course, but, then again, James was 33, and he had 12 years on Ianto in terms of opportunities. Ianto also suspected he'd been younger than Ianto when he had sex for the first time, but he wasn't about to judge him for it.

Ianto brought the fingers to his lips, darting his tongue out to lap at the tips, but all he could taste was soap. Though he'd used gloves the first few times he stretched James, he found himself following James's lead soon enough, abandoning the latex in favor of feeling _more_. Seeing James's clean STI panel on their second weekend together hadn't hurt, either, or hearing that condoms were a non-negotiable for him. It made sense, with so many sexually-transmitted infections out there. Ianto approved, glad he hadn't had to be the one to bring it up. It was yet another example of James taking care of him and making sure he was comfortable with what they were doing.

Besides, it felt far too contradictory that he'd happily rim James without any barriers while he wore gloves on his hands… He closed his eyes, breathing deep, the memory of James's musk bursting on his tongue for the first time temporarily taking over his senses.

He smiled, remembering James's raised eyebrow from before when they were cleaning up and the way he'd leaned over to nuzzle Ianto's ear.

"I bet you twenty pounds that six months from now you'll be content with just a bit of water or a wet-wipe," the man purred, licking along the edge of Ianto's ear and making him shiver with pleasure. It didn't stop Ianto from scrubbing his hands or cleaning under his fingernails, even as James gave his own hands a cursory wash with a bit of soap to appease Ianto's sensibilities. "One of these days, you'll _like_ smelling me on your hands," he continued, groping Ianto's arse playfully before leaving the bathroom for Ianto's bed.

Ianto sniffed his fingers, but he couldn't smell anything but soap, either. There was also no chance of smelling James's cum on his breath. Or his own, because even though James had insisted on kissing him rather deeply after swallowing Ianto's cum before finally letting them rest, Ianto had brushed his teeth. Twice.

He walked slowly back to the bedroom, his mind whirling with thoughts and memories. James, holding his legs up so Ianto could fuck him. Himself, curled on his bed in Child's Pose, James stretching him with fingers and tongue. (Those optional yoga classes at work had come in handy.) James's hands on his erection as he pushed against Ianto's prostate with each thrust of his cock, twisting his wrist in that perfect way that made Ianto see stars as he came.

He looked up at the glowing stars on his ceiling and smiled wider. He loved James's active imagination. He loved that James trusted him enough to share the details of his novel with him. He shook his head, amused, remembering some of the stories James had told him in the past, that, looking back now, were probably just him musing aloud about Jax and his life, and what it would be like to be a time traveller. That made more sense than James actually being in London during the Blitz. His grandfather had been there, more likely.

He gazed down at the sleeping man. James always looked younger when he slept. More peaceful. Innocent. Well, slightly innocent, which was saying something, since his waking mind was so full of smut that Ianto had a hard time believing that James didn't spend the whole day with an erection or needing to wank every twenty minutes. As he watched, James's eyelids began twitching almost violently. He shifted, rolling over to hug himself, a small whimper escaping his lips.

_Must be having a nightmare,_ Ianto thought, getting back into bed and curling himself around James, rubbing his arms and murmuring softly in his ear. With a bit of a shout, James woke, thrashing about. Ianto hugged him tighter, trying desperately to calm him.

"Easy, easy. You're fine. You're safe," he said in as soothing a voice as he could manage. He started kissing along James's neck. "I've got you."

"Ianto?" James asked, his voice strangely high, still slightly panicked.

"Just a bad dream, yeah?" Ianto said. "Let it go. I've got you," he repeated. "I've got you."

Slowly, James relaxed, letting Ianto's voice and moving hands soothe him. "Thank you," he finally whispered.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Just the usual," James replied flippantly, his mood shifting in an instant as it was wont to do. "Death, destruction, aliens."

Ianto snorted. "Sounds like my life," he muttered, knowing James would take it for a joke.

"You watch too much sci-fi."

"Probably."

"Did aliens hurt Jax?" Ianto asked. "Could that be it, that we were talking about that earlier?"

James chuckled and rolled over to snuggle against Ianto's chest. "You must have fallen asleep by that point in the story. Aliens killed his father."

"Oh."

"Thank you," James said again after a few minutes of silent cuddling.

"No problem," Ianto murmured, kissing the top of his head. "Let's try sleeping again?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's good."

It didn't take James very long to fall asleep, though Ianto stayed awake, staring at the ceiling for another hour, going over his thoughts and feelings about the man. He was glad that he'd been there to help him with his nightmare. He was happy that he could comfort him. But what did it mean that he did it? On the surface, it was something _anyone_ would do for their friend. The fact that they were sleeping in the same bed at the time didn't factor into it. Right? The fact that they'd had sex a few hours before didn't matter, did it?

He'd have woken Gary or Steve if he happened upon them having a nightmare. Just like they'd wake him. He just didn't sleep with them, so he'd never had the opportunity. It was different with James. They were different.

They were friends, yes. Good friends. They did all kinds of things that friends did: ate together, went to movies, hung out. But they did things that most friends didn't do. They kissed. They fucked. James called him darling and gorgeous and beautiful.

Ianto shut his eyes. He loved spending time with James. He loved the sparkle in James's eyes. He loved the feeling of being cared for whenever James took him out, or kissed him, or touched him. He loved that he felt so comfortable with James, more comfortable than with just about anyone in his entire life. He'd always had friends, but none had felt as close as James did. None had understood him quite as well. And how was it possible that James knew him so well after such a short time?

He loved the way James listened to him. He loved the way James was always encouraging him to push his boundaries and try new things, to be adventurous. He'd done more touristy things in London in the few months with James than during the entirety of his university years, just because James wanted to go with him and show off the city they'd both lived in, for though James lived in Cardiff now, he'd spent significant time in London when he was younger.

He loved the new foods James introduced him to, and while he might not have liked every single thing, he enjoyed most of it, and the company had been above reproach, so it had been worth it. He loved that James was willing to cook, that what they did when he visited wasn't always about spending money or sex. He loved that James didn't do more than tease Ianto about his mediocre cooking skills. They were getting better with James's encouragement, granted, but they weren't great. Nothing like James's.

He loved the sex. He loved Sunday mornings when he woke up with James curled around him. He loved the way James would stretch like a cat and snuggle closer for a few minutes of kisses and endearments before Ianto convinced them to get out of bed, usually by promising coffee. He loved how sometimes (ok, maybe 75% of the time — who was he kidding? _95_% of the time) James convinced him to stay in bed for sex first.

James murmured in his sleep, nuzzling closer, his breath hot on Ianto's chest as his nose rubbed against his neck. Ianto sighed.

They were probably more than friends, he concluded. Friends-with-benefits, maybe. He wasn't ready for it to be more than that. It couldn't be more than that. He wasn't gay. Some straight men liked anal sex. It wasn't a gay thing. It was just something he and James were doing together. Whatever they were doing, whatever it was, he liked it, Ianto decided. He liked it quite a bit.

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tbc in Chapter 8: Ianto's Birthday, Part 1


	8. Chapter 8: Ianto's Birthday, part 1

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 8: Ianto's Birthday, part 1**

Posted: October 2, 2014

A/N: The only good thing about being home sick is that I get time with my computer to write and edit my story. This chapter takes place roughly two weeks after the last one. Enjoy!

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Ianto woke on the morning of his 22nd birthday to the smell of bacon. Since it was a Friday, this was highly unusual. None of them cooked on workdays, beyond Ianto making coffee and the free-for-all toast everyone made for themselves, if they ate anything. He pulled on some pajama bottoms and wandered into the kitchen to find James, dressed in jeans and a black polo shirt, standing at the stove, frying bacon and making pancakes. He was humming to himself, though not the ubiquitous _Moonlight Serenade_.

"James!" Ianto exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"

James turned from the stove and grinned. "Making you breakfast in bed. Only you got out of bed before it was finished, so, back to bed for you," he declared, shooing Ianto with a batter-covered spatula. Ianto cringed as a large dollop of batter landed on the counter. Then he suppressed a shudder because there had been dishes in the sink from the night before that James must have had to wash. And he hadn't cleaned yet… shit. He liked having the place clean and neat when James arrived. His breath started coming faster.

"I'll have it ready in a tick," James said, distracting him from his anxiety.

"Um, it's a workday," Ianto felt the need to point out. In the distance, he could hear his alarm start to go off, indicating that it was six.

"Take the day off. It's your birthday, and we have theatre tickets for later."

"We do?"

"Yep," James said triumphantly, popping the 'p'. "And dinner reservations at a very nice place. Four stars, and all that." He set down the spatula and sauntered over to Ianto. "Now go." He pecked Ianto on the lips and turned him around with his large hands on Ianto's shoulders.

"I don't — "

"Go," James said again.

"You planned all this just for me?" Ianto asked softly, refusing to budge. He felt a warmth rising in his chest. When had anyone done something so nice for him? What did it mean? "We've only known each other a few months."

"It's not every day a man has a birthday," James replied. "Let me spoil you." He took Ianto's face in his hands and leaned over to kiss him more deeply. Ianto decided that it didn't have to mean anything. It was just his friend doing something nice. Something nice that would involve lots of shagging later, hence the big breakfast. He let himself relax more fully into the kiss.

Gary chose that moment to walk into the kitchen, scratching his stomach and yawning. "Hey, James," he mumbled. "Is the coffee done yet?" He walked around the two men kissing in the middle of the kitchen and went over to the pot and shook it, grumbling in disappointment when it appeared empty. "Ianto, if you're going to get up early, shut off your bloody alarm first! I could hear the fucking thing through the wall, as usual. I can set my life by your alarms, walls are so thin in this god-forsaken place."

Ianto broke away from kissing James slowly, lingering in his arms before acknowledging his roommate. "Sorry! I'll put the coffee on," he said. "In a minute," he added, moving for another kiss. James chuckled, a low, deep sound of pleasure that had Ianto tugging on his belt-loops to pull him closer.

"Better do it soon, mate, you don't want that bacon to burn." Gary yawned again and shuffled out of the kitchen for a shower, grumbling about roommates and alarms and the lack of coffee. He detoured to Ianto's room to turn off the alarm.

James pulled himself out of the kiss and Ianto's arms, turning to the stove and expertly flipped the bacon and pancakes. Ianto moved with him, holding him from behind and watching, his chin resting on James's shoulder. "You're good at that," he said, kissing James behind the ear.

"It's just practice," James replied, leaning back against Ianto.

"There are some other things we might practice after breakfast," Ianto suggested. "Since I'm apparently taking the day off work." He rolled his hips, pressing his half-hard cock against James. James chuckled again.

"Anything for you, baby. It's your birthday."

Ianto moved to make the coffee, releasing James to finish breakfast after giving his arse a thorough grope. "Don't call me baby," he said.

"What about Sweet Cheeks? Honey Bunch? Tiger Pants?"

"No," Ianto exclaimed, grabbing James around the middle and pulling him into another embrace, kissing him to stop the flow of bad nicknames. "Just kiss me."

James grinned against his lips before obliging him. "Tiger Pants it is, then," he murmured.

"No!" Ianto swatted his backside, laughing along with him.

They ended up eating in the kitchen, once Ianto saw the syrup and butter James intended to drown his pancakes in. Somehow he'd thought that James wouldn't want as much as he usually did if they were going to be eating in bed, but that turned out to be just a fantasy. One thing he could say about James: When he liked something, he went at it full-tilt. And he liked butter and syrup and had little respect for table manners when at home, if slightly better ones when they ate out. Ianto didn't want that kind of mess in his bed, though other messes might not be as much of a problem…

Gary joined them for coffee, teasing Ianto about James until Ianto had to excuse himself so he could get his blushes under control. James, his eyes twinkling with mirth, enjoyed the entire thing, sitting back in his chair and leisurely drinking his last cup of coffee. Steve, it seemed, had decided to start going to a body-building class at the gym, and left the flat even before James arrived, leaving the door unlocked for him, having planned the morning with James in advance.

James had been right about Steve, of course. Once he found a boyfriend, he'd been fine with Ianto, joking with him, being nice again. And then, when the man dumped Steve three weeks later, things hadn't soured between them, but, rather, they'd gotten better, been closer. As if their friendship was stronger than ever. And, clearly, it was strong enough that Steve would talk to James about Ianto without Ianto being there.

Things were looking up all around, even if the horrible 'Tiger Pants' nickname showed up from time to time.

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"I can't believe you," Ianto murmured that night, lying on his back in the huge hotel bed and feeling completely sated and at peace. "Look at everything you did for me today. I can't remember a better birthday. Not even when I was eight and got a new bike."

"I'm glad you had such a good time," James replied, shifting so that he wasn't lying completely on top of Ianto. He kissed Ianto's shoulder. "It's nice to hear you let go more," he commented after a little while. "You're rarely that loud."

Ianto's cheeks turned crimson. "Well, we almost never have the flat to ourselves," he said. "I don't like bothering the others."

"Are you embarrassed?"

"No, I don't think so. I mean, they know what's going on, but…" Ianto trailed off, thinking. "…Sex should be private," he finally said. "It's hard to fully relax that much when I know Gary can overhear us."

"It's not like we haven't overheard him," James pointed out. "Two weeks ago, that girl he pulled… that was hot!"

"Oi, don't start on that again," Ianto said with an eye-roll.

"So you relax more when we have privacy?"

"Yeah."

"Hmm, glad I sorted a hotel room for tonight, then," James mused. He yawned.

"You're spending a lot of money on me this weekend," Ianto said after another minute. He sighed. "It's not that I don't appreciate it, but…"

"It's too much?" James offered when Ianto didn't finish his sentence. He reached out and ran his hand over Ianto's chest. "I have it to spare. It makes me happy to treat you like this." He paused when Ianto didn't answer. "_Is_ it too much?"

"I've never had a fuck buddy before," Ianto said. "Is this how it always is?"

James opened his mouth to say something, thought the better of it, and closed his mouth again. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He closed his eyes. "What we're doing is unique," he said slowly, as if he were testing the waters. He opened his eyes again. "It's new for me, too."

"But you've done this before," Ianto said.

"Not with someone so much younger than me," James replied. "Not with someone in his first job out of university, who makes so much less than me. I'm used to more give and take, financially. But I like this," he quickly added. "I like taking you out. I'm not saying you need to do more! I don't want you blowing your budget on me when I have it and can use it."

"You got so angry when I joked about sugar daddies," Ianto said, speaking his thoughts aloud as he so often did with James. "And yet, it feels like it, sometimes. I mean, you've just kind of spelled it out. I'm a younger man without much money, having sex with you, letting you take me out and doing all kinds of things together… I don't understand the difference."

James sighed again and sat up, running his fingers through his hair. He rested his arms on his bent knees, the sheet covering him to the waist. "It's the mindset," he said, not looking at Ianto. "If I were really your sugar daddy, all we'd do is have sex. Sure, there'd be dinners, but there'd be expensive gifts, trips, all sorts of things." He paused again. "If that's what I wanted… I'd be spending double. At least. I'd never let you pay for anything. I'd buy you clothes and get you a flat to yourself. We'd only eat out, never cook for each other. I'd expect you to be available whenever I happened to want you whether you were working or not. I wouldn't meet your friends. And, again, it would be mostly sex."

"We have a lot of sex," Ianto said. "I mean, we've done it four times today! And that doesn't count the blow job you gave me at intermission!"

"I'm _not_ your sugar daddy. I don't want to be!"

"Relax, James, I'm just trying to understand," Ianto said, sitting up and starting to rub James's back. "I don't want to upset you. I know that's not what we are to each other. I do. It's just — this is all so new to me."

"I'll stop, if it upsets you so much," James said, gathering steam for an anxiety attack. Ianto had seen them a few times before, and he always hated when James felt so out of control or scared. It frightened him a little that a man as strong and self-assured as James could fall apart like this, but then he thought about the fact that it was him, _Ianto_, who was helping James get through it, and felt better. Like he was doing a good thing to be there for James. Like he meant something to James that he was even able or willing to show Ianto the less than perfect side of himself. Even if he was the one who sparked the anxiety in the first place.

But, then again, who was he to judge anyone about anxiety? He practically had a panic attack when he saw James in his flat a day early when he hadn't had a chance to clean it first. He'd been having panic attacks off and on for months… He needed _medication… _

And if Ianto stopped to think, all three of James's anxiety attacks boiled down to Ianto being upset about something and James worrying that Ianto would leave him over it and end their arrangement. James had even admitted that he'd gotten so drunk that one time because he was afraid he'd fucked everything up with Ianto that he'd end things, that it was his job that really messed up the weekend not factoring into his anxiety and fear. Was James really that insecure about Ianto's feelings towards him? Didn't Ianto make it clear every weekend just how happy he was to have James in his life like this?

"We'll go dutch for everything. I won't take you out any more. I'll stop spending money. I'll —"

"Stop!" Ianto exclaimed, pulling James's head over to kiss him, knowing him well enough at this point to know that kissing tended to stop James when he got going like that. "Just stop, ok? I'm fine with what we're doing. I'm fine with you taking me out most of the time. But you've gotta understand, I grew up on the council estates. I expected to have a blue-collar job. I never expected to own more than two suits my whole life, let alone have to wear them every day like I do now. Hell, for a while I wasn't even sure I'd go to university!"

"Really?"

"Yeah," Ianto said with a huff. "My life is so different than I expected, and that I have a friend who takes me to dinner and the theatre for my birthday, then back to a posh hotel for hours of sex, and a _male _friend, no less, it's… it's unbelievable. I'd never have expected it. Ever."

"Ianto, I —"

"Stop worrying. We're good. This is good."

James smiled hesitantly. "We're good?"

"We're really good," Ianto replied, hugging him. "Really good," he repeated. "Now let's get some sleep, yeah?"

"All right," James agreed, lying back down with Ianto, spooning him. He rested his hand on Ianto's chest and kissed the back of his neck. "Goodnight, Ianto. Happy birthday."

"Night," Ianto mumbled, already letting go of the conversation and falling into sleep, though he knew James would probably mull over it for at least another hour before he could relax enough to sleep, worrying like he did after these kinds of episodes. Ianto hoped it wouldn't be too bad.

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"James?" Ianto asked into the dark. The clock by the bed changed to read 03:03.

"Huh?" James mumbled sleepily. He snuggled closer to Ianto, who had rolled over and had his whole body wrapped around James.

"Are you awake?"

"Not really."

"Oh," Ianto said, sounding disappointed.

"Want another round?" James asked, trying desperately to drag himself out of the sleep he'd only just gained. He still felt a little upset from earlier, but he let his hand wander from Ianto's back down to his arse. Sex always seemed to help them get back on track after a difficult conversation.

"No! Stop it."

"Your loss," James muttered, moving his hand to its original position on Ianto's lower back. He yawned, giving up on the idea of staying awake if Ianto wasn't interested in sex.

"What are we?" Ianto asked after a minute.

"Huh?"

"What are we? You know, to each other?"

James blinked, trying to process the question through a mostly-asleep brain. "Friends?" he suggested finally, not sure what the question was. It was far too early in the morning to be having this conversation, James thought to himself. Or was it still night? No, he remembered seeing the time pass midnight before they turned off the lights to sleep.

"We're more than that," Ianto protested.

"Friends who fuck? Lovers? Boyfriends?"

"We're not boyfriends," Ianto declared. "And we're not lovers."

"No?" James yawned again and ran the fingers of his free hand over his face and through his hair. "What are we, then?"

"We're fuck buddies."

"If you know the answer, why did you ask?" James blurted, slightly annoyed.

"You called me your boyfriend tonight," Ianto said.

"I did?" James struggled to remember.

"Yeah, at the restaurant. When you asked the hostess for a better table. You called me your boyfriend. You said, 'It's my boyfriend's birthday.' But I'm not your boyfriend."

"You'd rather I said 'my date?'" James asked, waking up enough to be curious.

"We're not dating!"

"But it was a date," James protested. "Right?" he asked quickly, trying to see if his idea about the night and Ianto's matched.

"Well, yeah," Ianto admitted. "It was a date. But we're not dating."

"We can go on dates without dating. You've been very clear on that since the beginning."

"I know that, but it would've been strange, don't you think? No one says 'my date' anymore."

"I would," James muttered to himself.

"That's not the point."

"So, should I have called you my fuck buddy?" James demanded, sitting up. "Hey, it's my fuck buddy's birthday?"

"No!" Ianto exclaimed, clearly horrified.

"What else am I supposed to call you?"

"Your friend. I'm your friend."

"You just said that you're more than my friend," James said. "And I'll have you know that I don't shag my friends."

"Best friend, then."

James rolled his eyes in the dark, but didn't say anything.

"You could just call me Ianto," Ianto suggested.

James sighed. "It's Ianto's birthday. That sounds like they should know you."

"Fine, call me your boyfriend and be done with it," Ianto grumbled. He rolled over to face away from James.

"Not if you get this upset about it," James responded, lying back and rolling so his back was to Ianto. "If you don't want to be my boyfriend, that's fine. We're just two people who fuck. I get it."

"Now you're angry!" Ianto exclaimed, rolling back over and pulling James onto his back so they could look at each other. James turned his face away.

"I'm not angry, I'm frustrated."

"James…"

"Ianto…" James mocked.

"Why do you want to call me your boyfriend?"

"It's an easy label other people understand. Besides, I haven't had a proper boyfriend in a long time. It feels good to think you might someday let me call you that."

"I don't think I'd ever want that," Ianto replied.

"Fine," James said petulantly, turning over again. "We're just friends who fuck. I'll never call you my boyfriend again."

"That's not what I mean!"

"What _do_ you mean?"

"I don't know!" Ianto shouted, tugging on his hair in frustration. "I don't know, and you're just making me more and more confused!"

"Just go to sleep, Ianto. It'll all be better in the morning."

They lay back to back for ten minutes, Ianto's mind whirling. Again. It seemed to happen regularly, with James around. If James wanted to call him his boyfriend… that was good, right? That meant that James liked him. Really liked him, as in, more than as fuck buddies.

But was he ready to be James's boyfriend? Was he ready to be the boyfriend of another man? Was he ready to call James his boyfriend? Was he ready to _have_ a boyfriend?

"I liked it when you called me your boyfriend," he whispered, suddenly realizing that much. Beside him, James shifted. "It made me feel good. Like, I know you care about me if you call me that."

"I _do_ care about you," James answered, just as softly. He turned over and cuddled up behind Ianto again, kissing his shoulder as he settled. "Of course I care about you."

"No, I know that, it's just — it feels like you care about more than sex…"

James sighed. "I do, Ianto. I've never said it's just sex."

"I suppose you haven't," Ianto muttered. He closed his eyes and sighed. "I don't know what I want. It's scary to think of you as my boyfriend, but it feels good, too. It's so confusing. I don't know what's what anymore."

"You don't have to know," James reassured him, kissing him along the back of his neck. "I don't need labels. I just thought it would be easier in the moment."

Ianto shifted, pressing his arse back against James's crotch. "This isn't confusing, though." He wiggled his hips.

"Easy there, tiger. You'll get me worked up if you keep doing that," James said with a soft chuckle as his cock started hardening. He reached for Ianto.

"James!"

"No?"

"Slowly," Ianto gasped. "I want to savor it." He wiggled again, awed at James's never-ending appetite for sex. Made him want it more, too, knowing James was so turned on by him.

"Your wish is my command," James replied in a husky, lust-filled voice. He found the bottle of lube he'd left under his pillow for just such an opportunity and warmed up a palmful before rubbing it over Ianto's erection. Ianto hissed, twisting in James's arms. "You like that?"

"You know I do."

"Yeah, but I like hearing you say it in that sexy accent of yours." James started sucking on Ianto's neck. He rotated his hips, rubbing himself against Ianto's arse in time with his hands as they moved on Ianto's cock. Ianto reached back, grabbed a cheek and pulled it away from the other to create a column for James's erection. James groaned. "Shit."

"Lube yourself, if you want. It'll wash off." Obediently, James coated his own erection in lube before grabbing Ianto's again to hold it in two hands so he could roll Ianto's sac in one while he stroked Ianto's cock with the other. "Fuck, that feels good," Ianto breathed.

"Yeah. Yeah, it does," James answered, his voice a growl of pleasure. He kept up the steady motions of hips and hands, bringing them off deliberately slowly.

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tbc in chapter 9: Ianto's Birthday, part 2


	9. Chapter 9: Ianto's Birthday, pt 2

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 9: Ianto's Birthday, part 2**

Posted: October 5, 2014

A/N: Bonus chapter! Extra-long one, at that. Woot!

Warnings for angst, mentions of past trauma, and Jack being... a little more intense than he's ever been with the Ianto of this story.

Enjoy!

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James woke up smiling. He didn't stop smiling once, and it just seemed to get bigger and brighter as the morning progressed. The sex had been fabulous. Fantastic, as James called it. There was an effervescence about him, a sparkly happiness that Ianto couldn't quite explain. He'd never seen James so happy, and he wondered what was going on in the man's head. Had something happened last night that he missed?

"So you liked it, huh?" James asked over a late breakfast in the hotel restaurant, the question bursting forth as if he couldn't keep it in any longer.

"Yesterday? Best birthday of my life!" Ianto said, smiling, finding James's happiness as infectious as always. "And that thing at the end? I had no idea it could feel so good to have you rubbing between my cheeks like that. I'm a little sore, though. Maybe I should fuck you again next."

"You won't get any arguments from me," James replied, his eyes bright. "But I meant what we were talking about before that. You said you liked that I called you my boyfriend."

Ianto sighed. Now he knew why James was so happy. He thought Ianto had agreed to be his boyfriend. Shit. His smile twisted into a frown. "Oh, that."

"What? You don't sound so happy, all of a sudden." James's smile wilted slightly.

"Yeah, um, that was just a stream of consciousness thing. Don't pay attention to it."

James tilted his head and regarded Ianto with narrowed eyes. "What are you saying? You _don't_ like it if I call you that?"

"That's not what we are," Ianto pointed out, gesturing with his knife. He finished spreading jam on his toast. "We're not boyfriends. We're not dating." _I can't handle it if we're dating,_ he told himself. _I'm not gay. We've been over this!_ He hated to disappoint James, but he wasn't ready. Would never be ready. He didn't want a boyfriend, full stop.

It was James's turn to frown, his mood darkening. "So everything you said last night…"

"Just thinking out loud. As I said, don't pay attention to it."

James opened his mouth to say something, but stopped himself and instead took a huge bite of his omelet. He shoved half a piece of toast in afterwards, chewing thoughtfully. They ate in silence.

"You can stay the whole weekend, can't you?" Ianto finally asked, breaking the awkward silence as they finished breakfast, wondering if he could salvage anything of the day after disappointing James so much. He knew it was a disappointment. He knew he probably hurt James. But he wasn't ready, and James promised to respect him and his boundaries and needs. "Even though you came early?"

James looked up from signing the check. "Yeah. Didn't I mention? My team told me not to even _think_ about work until Monday. Unless the world's ending, of course."

Ianto laughed. "You deal with the end of the world?"

"Sure feels like it sometimes," James said with a forced chuckle. "But enough about that. What do you want to do today?"

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They managed to salvage the day, mostly because of James's epic, and, in Ianto's opinion, slightly problematically efficient, compartmentalizing skills and his ability to shut off emotions he didn't want. Ianto could practically _see_ the wheels in his head turning when James closed his eyes and took a steadying breath before asking what Ianto wanted to do for the day. Gone was the disappointment and hurt, replaced with a reasonably convincing excitement for spending time with Ianto.

The sex after breakfast didn't hurt, either, and Ianto could tell that James's happiness was real as soon as he wrapped his mouth around James's cock and heard his pleased groan.

James extended the booking of the hotel, so they wouldn't have to go back to Ianto's later and risk Ianto being embarrassed about the kinds of sex they planed on having. James had brought the restraints, after all, and the thought of being tied down on the hotel bed was much more arousing to Ianto than doing it at home and worrying about one of the guys happening to see/hear something because it was a Saturday and they'd be home.

They went shopping, where Ianto decided it was time to buy a new suit, and they spent an entire afternoon going in and out of various shops. He even allowed James to kiss him a few times in the changing area at Topshop, though only a few times. He wasn't keen on getting caught by the staff.

They met up with Steve, Gary and a number of Ianto's other friends for dinner, which turned into drunken karaoke, which devolved into Steve dragging him and James to a gay club some time around one in the morning when the others were done for the night and Ianto informed the group that he wanted to keep drinking. James, for a change, had been matching him drink for drink, with Steve right there with them the whole night, and the fact that the club stayed open until four seemed like an excellent idea to all three of them. There, surrounded by loud house music and sweaty men, watching men making out with each other and grinding on the dance floor, Ianto felt a desire to show off that James was with _him. _

He kept an arm around James the entire night, not willing to let the man out of his sight, let alone his physical space, and he actually growled when some guy came up and tried to flirt with James. Steve encouraged them onto the dance floor, and Ianto reluctantly let them convince him, James's hand on his arse more of what got him to agree than any words.

Usually, Ianto hated dancing, but with several shots in his system since they arrived, at least two the bartender gave him for free because James told him it was Ianto's birthday, he found that he didn't actually mind it. With James. And Steve. He ended up in the middle, with James pressed against his front and Steve at his back. There was something strangely comforting about having a friend on either side of him, protecting him from all the strangers. It was also hot. To feel an erection against his own and another one against his arse? It must be a new kind of heaven no one had ever told him about. He felt like he could dance with them like that for hours.

The flashing strobe lights and the music invaded his mind, making him feel more alive than he'd ever felt before. Shirts came off, hands roamed over sweaty skin and denim-clad backsides. James kissed him, and Steve pulled them closer against Ianto, and James kissed Steve and Ianto kissed James's throat and lapped at the salty sweat that tasted faintly of beer and tobacco and sex from the ambience of the room. Steve's hands slipped down Ianto's front, one brushing tantalizingly against his aching cock, and none of them imagined his hard thrust into Steve's hand. James kissed Ianto again, giving Steve space to nibble at Ianto's neck.

Heaven, indeed.

Steve's lips on his own broke the spell, and Ianto pulled away, curled himself tightly into James's arms, against his chest, suddenly completely overwhelmed and afraid and shaking. James took him back to the hotel, where they cuddled and kissed for an hour until Ianto calmed down, then they took turns fucking each other until they fell asleep.

Ianto woke to a blinding headache and nausea. He must have fallen out of bed at one point, because he was on the floor, and he could hear James snoring above him. They hadn't cleaned themselves up after having sex, he realized, and groaned at the array of sticky patches on his skin and stains he imagined on the sheets. He hoped they remembered to wear condoms. James jerked awake at the sound of his groan, looking around fearfully.

"Ianto?" he called.

"Down here," Ianto answered, rubbing his temple. He struggled to a sitting position and leaned against the side of the bed. He felt James run his fingers through his hair. Looking around blearily he noticed a used condom next to him. He sighed, reassured, but also slightly disgusted. He flicked it under the bed.

"We're a mess," James said.

"Yeah."

"I'm hung over," James added, groaning. "I haven't been hung over like this in _years_."

"Will wonders never cease?" Ianto muttered.

"Is it Sunday?"

"I sure hope so! I don't think I could make it to work today."

They paused. Ianto closed his eyes and drifted, letting James's hand soothe him. The nausea dissipated.

"Did we make out with Steve?" James asked, sounding surprised by the question. His hand left Ianto's hair. "Did we bring him home with us?" Ianto tilted his head back to see James looking around the room.

James climbed off the bed and searched the room until he came up with both his mobile and Ianto's. "He texted me: _'Tell him not to worry, we're cool.'_ And he texted you: _'Went home with someone. See you Monday.'_ Looks like everything went well, then."

"Why Monday?" Ianto wondered.

"Because you're staying here with me until Monday morning," James explained. "You won't be home until that night after work. I'll bring your stuff by your place on my way out of town."

"Oh. Good to know."

James sent a quick text back to Steve. "I'm telling him not to worry about us, either."

"I liked the dancing," Ianto said, pulling himself to a standing position before throwing himself on the bed. "I liked dancing with you both. But I didn't like kissing him."

"I think we could all tell," James answered, his voice amused and slightly concerned. He put the phones on the nightstand and settled next to Ianto. "You freaked out a bit."

"Yeah."

"Do we need to talk about it?"

"No. We need a shower, though."

"Do we?"

"Or maybe a bath. _After_ the shower," Ianto corrected. "That might be better. Don't want to sit in this filth. Do you think we can both fit in that tub?"

James laughed, loud and happy. "Darling, I picked this room on purpose in case you'd want something like that."

Ianto felt his cheeks heating. "You did?"

"Well, I figured we'd have a lot of sex. Then we'd need to get clean."

"And what better way than in a huge hotel jacuzzi?" Ianto asked.

"Exactly."

"I like the way you think," Ianto murmured. "Go draw the bath," he ordered playfully.

"Sure thing, Tiger Pants."

Ianto sighed. Then he smiled. Then he followed James to the en suite.

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"Ianto?"

The serious tone of James's voice pulled him out of his book. He looked over to see James standing in the doorway from the bedroom, one hand on the doorjamb, the other resting on his hip. Ianto frowned at the expression on his face.

"Why do you look so upset?" he asked, standing.

"I need you to do something for me," James said. "And I don't think you're going to like it."

Ianto froze halfway across the room. He dropped his book onto the coffee table and crossed his arms over his chest. "And it has to be today?" he asked after a minute. "Two days after my birthday?"

James ran a hand through his hair in a nervous gesture. "I don't know when we'll have the kind of privacy the hotel room offers."

"It doesn't sound like you're talking about some kind of kinky sex," Ianto commented.

"No."

"So? What do you need me to do?"

James motioned Ianto forward, towards the bedroom. Ianto let out a deep breath and followed. James had removed the paintings from the walls, gotten rid of the lamps and alarm clock, and cleared everything out of the room. The lube was gone from its place on the nightstand, leaving the place bare and slightly sterile. The pillows remained on the bed, but he'd stripped off the blankets and top sheet, leaving only the fitted sheet on the mattress.

It only took seconds for Ianto's world to change. One moment he was standing in the doorway, the next he was face down on the bed, one arm pulled painfully behind his back, James's hand pressing down on his captured wrist. Ianto thrashed, struggling, but James climbed on top of him and held him down.

"You need to learn how to get away from this," James whispered in his ear, his voice low and dangerous. "I'm going to teach you, and you've got to promise me you'll use these skills if something happens that you don't like."

Ianto's blood went cold. "What?" he croaked.

"Do whatever you can to get away," James continued. "You won't hurt me. I've trained people before, so I know what I'm doing."

Ianto tried twisting away, but James twitched his arm higher up his back and Ianto felt a sharp pain in his shoulder. "Why now?" Ianto demanded, feeling adrenaline flooding his system.

"Because you were so drunk last night that anyone could have gotten you to go home with him, and not everyone responds well to the word 'no,' especially if you'd been kissing him earlier," James growled. "Because last month you couldn't get away from me when I was tickling you. Because I won't be able to sleep until I know you can keep yourself safe in this kind of situation."

Ianto felt tears at the corners of his eyes. "You're scaring me," he whispered.

"Good. This is serious, Ianto. Rape is serious. _Your safety_ is serious."

"Ok," Ianto breathed. "Ok. Teach me."

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Not even the hand-to-hand combat trainers at Torchwood London had put Ianto through as much of a workout as James managed in the impromptu self-defense class. By dinnertime, there wasn't a muscle that didn't ache, and Ianto was convinced he would need another soak in the jacuzzi. Torchwood's lessons had been about disabling (or killing) dangerous elements, not defending oneself or getting away from said dangerous elements. Besides, the enemies Torchwood proposed always wanted to kill you, not rape you, which gave the training a different slant.

James was a relentless teacher, going over the drills again and again until he was convinced Ianto could do it at full-speed and full-strength. He could break out of half-a-dozen holds the trainers hadn't taught him, and knew how to break someone's nose, kick them in the balls when they were defending against it, and how to throw an attacker off him if he was on his back.

And it wasn't over.

Once again, James sat on Ianto's legs, one hand holding his arm behind his back, the other pressing Ianto's face into the pillow. Ianto gasped for breath, knowing _intellectually_ that James wouldn't really hurt him, that he was just trying to help him, but he was _frightening_, nonetheless. Ianto wriggled his captured hand, trying to get feeling back, and James growled, tightening his hold. His left arm was trapped under his body, but that might be to his advantage, Ianto thought. He contemplated the position and how to get out of it, thinking of all he'd been taught so far.

He must have been thinking for too long, because James shifted, reaching under Ianto to undo his belt. Ianto cursed, struggling without a plan. It backfired. James got his jeans open and roughly pulled them and his pants down, exposing Ianto's arse. Rough fingers stroked down his crack, prodded at him.

"My little slut," James hissed in his ear. "I think it's time for a fuck, don't you?"

"No, James, stop," Ianto whimpered.

"_He's_ not going to stop," James growled. "So I'm not going to stop. This isn't a game."

"Please," Ianto begged.

"No."

Panic filled Ianto's mind and he used his struggles to get his left hand in a better position. James was going to fuck him like this! Without preparation, without lube… He squeezed his eyes shut and felt tears on his cheek. He had to get away.

James reached for his own fly.

Ianto gasped out his safeword.

James froze, his hand on Ianto's wrist letting up slightly. Ianto used his distraction to get his left arm free, shifting his weight to the right, dropping his shoulder. He elbowed James hard in the chest. Ianto heard the grunt of pain, but didn't let that stop him. He pulled himself free, kicking and twisting. He felt his foot connect. James lunged for him, trying to grab him again, but Ianto crawled off the bed, kicking back one more time, as hard as he could, glad he was wearing shoes. They would help him get free.

Ianto scrambled to the other room, breathing hard, clutching at his jeans. He felt the adrenaline, the fear. He looked back, but James was nowhere to be seen, and Ianto wondered if he'd kicked him so hard he fell off the bed. He struggled to catch his breath and he did up his jeans.

A loud gasp from the bedroom startled him. James climbed to his knees on the far side of the bed. He looked around, noted Ianto in the other room and stretched his neck until Ianto heard a crack. James sighed in satisfaction.

"Goddess, that feels better." He stood up and did another stretch until his back popped. "Good work, darling," he added, moving towards Ianto.

Ianto slapped him across the face. He swept James's mobile and wallet into his hand from the coffee table and shoved them at him. "Get out," he snarled.

James blinked and opened his mouth to protest, then shut it without making a sound.

"Come back in two hours and we'll talk," Ianto added. James nodded, grabbing his coat and leaving the room with shoulders that hung low. Before he could reach the lifts, Ianto called after him. "I just need a little space. Don't wig out on me!" James raised a hand in acknowledgment, turning the corner.

Ianto shut the door behind himself and stood in the middle of the sitting room with his hands on his hips. Every muscle ached. He felt shaky. He walked to the desk and grabbed the bottle of scotch. After a few swallows burned their way down his throat, Ianto felt a little better. He picked over the remains of their lunch, but nothing satisfied, so he picked up the phone and dialed room service. He didn't want to squander his two hours going down to the restaurant.

A hot soak seemed in order after Ianto polished off a huge helping of chips. He poured some of the eucalyptus and lemon-scented oil into the tub as it filled, then settled back to relax and let the heat loosen his tight muscles.

He was angry. He was angry that James would turn what had been an almost perfect weekend into something that stank of fear and adrenaline. He was angry that James would play at hurting him like that. _Had_ hurt him, if the pinch in his shoulder didn't go away.

But James had let go when Ianto used his safeword…

He closed his eyes, trying to picture the last few hours from James's perspective. James wanted him to be safe. The whole exercise was so that Ianto could fight off an attacker if necessary. It was about James reassuring himself that Ianto could take care of himself.

Last night, at the club, Ianto had felt safe. He'd been there with his friends, with James, and he knew, no matter how drunk he got, no matter how out of control he might be, James would keep him safe. James would _always_ keep him safe.

But James wasn't always around. He lived in Cardiff. He couldn't guarantee that nothing would happen if Ianto went out again. Not that Ianto planned to make a habit of going to gay clubs.

Things happened. Bad things. Rape didn't just happen to women, Ianto reminded himself. Someone could spike his drink…

He didn't want to think about that.

He knew James. And James knew him better than just about anyone. Probably better that anyone else, actually, despite the limited time they spent together. Ianto's sister didn't know him as well. Steve and Gary didn't know him as well. His other friends didn't know him as well. Hell, not even his ex-girlfriends knew him the way James did.

James knew him and cared about him. There was no denying it. They way James touched him when they were alone told him as much.

The way James just spent over four hours teaching him to fend off a rapist told him that…

God, James must lo—

No.

Don't even _think_ that word.

Like. James liked him. That was enough. That was all he could handle, all he was ready for.

Ianto's internal clock told him it had been 90 minutes since he sent James away, so he climbed out of the bath and got himself and the room back into a semblance of order. He rehung the pictures, made the bed, and found the lube and condoms where James left them in the en suite. With five minutes to spare, Ianto stood in the bedroom, staring at the rubbish bin, his mind boggled by how many used condoms were in it. How could two men have that much sex? He picked it up and gave it a shake, counting.

Really? That many in three days?

Two and a half-days, since half of Friday had been at Ianto's flat. And they'd only had sex a few times today, since the last six hours hadn't involved sex at all. But why hadn't the hotel staff emptied it when they'd been in to change the sheets? Oh, because the condoms had landed on the floor, not in the bin, and been kicked under the bed. James must have gathered them up when he got the room ready for the self-defense lesson.

He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Give a man a fish, he eats once," Ianto murmured, sitting on the sofa. "Teach him to fish, he feeds his family the rest of his life…" He leaned his head back, closing his eyes. "God, James, you're brilliant in your own fucked-up way, aren't you?"

Fifteen minutes later, with no James in evidence, Ianto broke down and called him. James didn't answer. Grumbling to himself, Ianto turned on the television. After an episode of _Top Gear_ Ianto barely watched, he realized he'd have to go find James. The man must be worried about Ianto's reaction to the lessons, even though Ianto had told him not to be.

Anxiety and worry weren't the most logical of feelings, as he well knew.

For the first time since it had been issued to him, Ianto pulled out the Torchwood-modified PDA from his messenger bag. He opened a program he'd been trained on, but never used outside of work. He paused. Doing this was a violation of James's privacy. This was a violation of Torchwood's Technology Use Policy. He didn't care. He typed in James's mobile number and waited while the smart software accessed the satellite networks, mobile networks and Torchwood's own network to find where on the planet James (or his mobile) was.

For some reason, the program told him that James was on the roof of the hotel. He shoved his feet into his trainers and grabbed the spare keycard for the room, leaving to find the proper lift.

The door to the roof was propped open with a brick. Ianto carefully made sure the brick was in place when he let himself out. At the far end of the roof, the unmistakable figure of James stood right at the edge, his greatcoat blowing in the wind. Ianto stepped up to lean against the wall James stood upon.

"I'm not planning on jumping, if you're worried about that," James said after a minute. "You don't have to talk me down, or anything."

Ianto nodded to himself. "Didn't think you were going to." He sighed. "Thank you. For the lesson."

"You know why I had to do it?"

"You explained it rather well," Ianto answered, hoping his voice didn't sound as petulant as it did in his head. At least his shoulder felt better, indicating James hadn't actually hurt him.

"You did good. It takes a lot longer for most people to be able to do that."

"I used my safeword. I didn't really get away."

"You used what you had to use. It counts." James looked up at the stars. "I wouldn't have done it." His tone of voice begged Ianto to believe him. "But I needed you to feel how frightening it is. I needed you to be able to get away when you were crippled by the fear."

Ianto paused, analyzing the words and the ones not spoken. "It's happened to you," he guessed. He looked up to see a stony expression on James's face.

"When I was in the army," James said softly enough the wind almost stole the words. They stayed silent for another few minutes. Ianto gazed out at the London skyline, easily picking out the outline of Canary Wharf.

"They caught him. He was courtmartialed. Didn't make the pain go away," James added. "Or the anger." He paused. "Or the need to protect the people I care about."

"I'm sorry."

James nodded in acknowledgement.

"Thank you," Ianto said again, the entire evening slotting into place. James had been raped. He didn't want that to happen to Ianto. He _cared_ about Ianto. That was enough.

James's mobile rang, breaking the moment.

"Toshiko?" James asked. He listened for a moment, then grunted. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll see you tomorrow. Lunchtime, I think." He listened again. "No, just thought we'd take our time in the morning. Traffic will be bad by the time I leave. Uh huh. Tell Owen I'll want his report waiting on my desk. No more slacking!" He paused a moment. "Yes." James ended his call and casually tossed his mobile over the edge.

Ianto gasped, almost lunging for it, but remembered at the last second that they were on the roof. "Why would you do that?" he demanded.

James jumped down to the roof to be on the same level as Ianto. "Time to go," he declared. He herded Ianto to the door and back into the hotel. Once back in their room, James started packing.

"What's going on?" Ianto asked.

"Something's come up. We can't stay here anymore."

"I don't understand."

"Remember how I said there are things about my job I can't talk about? Well, someone from a rival company just found out I'm in this hotel, saw my car, or something, and I want nothing to do with them. So we're going somewhere else."

"We can just go back to mine," Ianto offered, pulling his carryall out of the closet to pack his own things.

James dropped what he was holding on the bed and strode over to grab Ianto's face in both hands. He stared into Ianto's eyes, his gaze intense. "Ianto, I have to make up to you how I treated you earlier. I'm going to give you as much pleasure as I possibly can, for as long as you can stand it. I doubt you'd want the guys to be around for that, yeah?"

Ianto swallowed, feeling heat on his cheeks at the desire James's declaration sparked. "Um, yeah. Yeah. Another hotel would be good," he heard himself saying.

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"You never asked me what I wanted for my birthday," Ianto said. "You did all these things, but you never asked." James, lying on his stomach, already half asleep, grunted.

"What do you want?"

"I want to see your place. Visit Cardiff, see you there."

"I'll send you a picture," James said with a chuckle.

"I'm being serious! I want to see where you live," Ianto protested.

"Darling, haven't you figured out by now that I live at work?"

"Really?"

James laughed. "Of course not! I'm just winding you up. But it'll have to wait a few weeks before I can bring you by. My kitchen's being redone. Haven't been able to cook in there for two months, and the dust's so bad I found somewhere else to stay so I didn't develop an allergy."

"Huh."

James crawled over to Ianto and nibbled on his ear. "How about the first weekend of September? It should all be done by then."

"Promise?"

"As much as anyone can promise that contractors will get done on time. It's amazing, really, how throwing more money at them doesn't get them to work faster. I've given up at this point and just let them do what they do. I'll pay them when it's done and passes inspection."

"Inspection?"

"My unit has some specialized requirements for power usage, in case I need to bring things home from work. I've got a mini-lab in one of the spare rooms, and it takes a lot of power."

"Huh," Ianto said again, yawning. He wasn't sure the explanation made sense, but he was tired. He shrugged and closed his eyes. Morning would be soon enough, bringing work with it, and it had been a busy weekend. He thought sleep would be a good choice for now. Maybe sex in the morning. He never got to do that before work, and figured it would be a wonderful way to start the day.

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tbc in Chapter 10: Meeting Lisa Hallett


	10. Chapter 10: Meeting Lisa Hallett

**Who He Wants To Be**

**Chapter 10: Meeting Lisa Hallett**

Posted: October 9, 2005

A/N: Thank you everyone for the support, follows, favorites and reviews! This is a shorter chapter than the last few, so don't expect 5,000 words. It's closer to the usual 2,500.

On an aside: For those wanting to know a little about Jack's experience of the relationship, I have a small view into his experience/life planned for Chapter 14. If I get to 100 reviews before then, I'll write something new and give it to you early. Even so, there's an entire arc of his experiences planned further down the road, if you're patient.

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"Hi, I'm Lisa. Lisa Hallett," said the gorgeous dark-skinned woman as she extended her hand. "You must be Ifan Jones."

"It's Ianto, actually," he said with a smile as he took her hand and kissed her knuckles in a James-esque gesture that had her blushing. "Ifan is just for taxes and legal paperwork. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Aren't you a charmer?" she asked playfully. "And Welsh. We don't have many Welshmen or women at Torchwood."

"Not even at Three, in Cardiff?" he asked, moving to take his seat at his newest, and hopefully last, temporary desk. From what he understood, after two weeks with an HR person, he'd be given a new desk and a mentor, from out of the people he'd sat next to over the last three months. He was hoping for Billy Masters from Archives, or, a close second, Samuel Johnson, also of that department. He'd consider Heather Shafie, who ran the Personal Assistant pool, also, though she had a habit of sucking her teeth that would probably drive him mad within a month. He liked the work he'd done in Archives best, of all the things he'd done.

"Oh, Three is its own animal," Lisa said with a laugh, going to her own seat. "Captain Harkness picked them out all on his own, and prides himself on having as little to do with Yvonne and London as he can."

"Really?"

"There are supposed to be quarterly inspections," Lisa said in a softer voice, leaning towards him to give him the gossip. "But half the time either he or Yvonne cancel, so it ends up being only once a year or so. I think the last one was in May, and she had him come here to do the inquiry in person rather than have to go there herself."

"That doesn't sound particularly useful."

"No, but it was epic! The captain's a born flirt, and he went around the building kissing people wherever he went. Men, women, it didn't matter to him. Some people say he'd even kiss an alien! You should have seen it! They put a board up in the lobby where people could sign their names if they kissed him. And then, when he left, he edited it for accuracy!"

"Sounds egotistical," Ianto commented, turning on his computer and logging on. "Did you get to kiss him?"

"He didn't come to HR," Lisa answered with a sad sigh. "Maybe next time. They say he's got movie-star good looks."

"Huh. How often does he come by? Just quarterly?" Ianto glanced at his email and schedule. Nothing immediate.

"Oh, nothing that regular. He just shows up when he wants to. He's a law unto himself, from what I've heard. Did you know he used to be a Companion of the Doctor?"

Ianto gasped. "What? And they let him be in charge of Torchwood Three? They let him work for us? How is that possible? Shouldn't they have taken him in for questioning, gotten what he knows about the Doctor?"

"He's been around a very long time, they say," Lisa explained. "Questioned him when he first arrived, they say. An expert on aliens, they say. Some even think _he's_ an alien!"

"An alien? Working _for_ Torchwood?"

"That's what they say," she said.

"Wow. I'd like to meet him, then," Ianto mused. "Must be an interesting man."

Lisa smiled. "If you meet him, bring him up here. I want a chance for that kiss!"

"Right, sure." Ianto felt himself blush, thinking he might consider it, if the man was as handsome as she said. James wouldn't mind him kissing someone else, not if it was only once. He could almost hear James telling him it would be hot, and that if he wanted to do anything with Captain Harkness, he'd be up for that sort of thing. A threesome, or to watch, or even just to hear about every last detail over the phone while he wanked. James was a kinky bastard sometimes, Ianto thought. He cleared his throat and attempted to change the topic. "What's the process from now on? Do you figure out who I get assigned to?"

Lisa seemed to sense his need to move on and answered promptly. "Oh, no, I'm just a part of the process. Everyone you've worked next to has submitted a report. You'll have an extended interview with Catherine, the head of HR, to determine who you're assigned to. That'll happen Friday for you, since you're one of the last on the list, then it takes a week or so for them to make the choices. It's a good sign to have the interview Friday, by the way. That means they think you're one of the top candidates. They save the better ones for last."

"Like having a sweet after dinner?"

"I was always a fan of ruining dinner if there was cake available," Lisa commented wryly. She gave him a speculative look, and he wondered if she found him attractive. She was certainly pretty enough, he thought, slender and curvy with a nice smile and big brown eyes. Not too much make-up, either, which was a point in her favor. He wasn't sure what to say, wasn't sure he was really up to the task of flirting with her quite so much, so he changed topics again.

"Are there really 20 HR people able to babysit us like this for two weeks?"

"There's 23 of us, since we have to go through this every quarter and the number of recruits isn't always an even twenty like it was this time. But there are only 16 newbies left from your class. A few people have dropped out already. Your chances of making the six-month cut just got better."

"That's great!" Ianto exclaimed before he could stop himself. "I really love this job. It's interesting and seems like we do good work."

Lisa laughed. "Save it for Catherine, Mr. Welsh Man," she said. "I just need to assess if you can write a memo, take dictation, answer the phones, and do filing with some degree of accuracy."

"Is that all?" he asked with a flirtatious smile, knowing he'd be able to do all those activities easily and well. "I think you'll find I'm up to the task."

She groaned. Then giggled. It would be a good two weeks sitting next to her, he decided. And perhaps he wasn't as stale at flirting with women as he thought. It must be James's influence. The man would flirt with anyone.

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"Ianto, was it? Billy," Billy Masters said on Wednesday when he ran into Ianto in the canteen. "Wanna get coffee?"

Ianto paused, puzzled. "Um, sure," he answered. He wasn't used to men asking him out, if that's what Billy was doing. It felt rather strange. It made him think of James. But he'd told Billy when they sat next to each other that he wasn't gay, so perhaps it was just a friendly invite. He didn't think Billy was gay, either, though they'd never talked about it.

"Good. There's this little shop right nearby. We could do it now, or after work, what do you think?"

"Now's a good a time an any," Ianto murmured. He followed Billy from the canteen, down the lifts, and out the front door. Ten minutes later they were sitting across from each other at a small table in a crowded cafe, cups of cappuccino in their hands.

"Sorry for the subterfuge," Billy said. "But the Tower has ears, and I'd rather talk about this where they can't overhear."

Ianto nodded, intrigued.

"I want to mentor you," Billy said bluntly. "I think you're the best candidate, and we got along. I wanted to see if you agreed."

"If I agreed that we got on well? Yeah, I think we did. I was going to ask if we could be paired up, actually."

"Don't do that!" Billy exclaimed. "If they know we want to work together, they'll keep us apart. That's how the politics work here."

"But why would they keep us apart? That makes no sense."

Billy leaned forward. Ianto leaned closer, too.

"There are spies throughout the building. UNIT has them, the CIA has them, Captain Harkness has them, even Hartman has them."

"Why would Hartman spy on her own organization?" Ianto whispered.

"To make sure everyone's toeing the company line," Billy explained. "And Captain Harkness has totally different views on most things alien," Billy added. "He and Hartman trust each other just as far as they can throw each other."

"Hmm, I've heard that," Ianto mused. "So why come to me like this?"

"So I can tell you not to ask for me. Ask for someone else, like someone in Special Weapons."

"I don't want to be a part of that," Ianto protested. "I can't stand the thought of Special Weapons. That Michael guy I had to sit with was a jerk, and he kept going on about a big gun he wanted to requisition from Three. Like it was his mission in life to get it away from Captain Harkness."

"Michael Sheldon?"

"Yeah. He even showed me a picture on his phone. I guess he'd seen one of the women over at Three using it when he was in Cardiff and snapped a picture. He told his boss, and the boss said to ignore it, but Michael's obsessed. He got written up for looking into it on company time. He has half a dozen different things he's tracking that his boss said not to worry about. Technology that might be alien that he's seen about town, or on the internet. He showed me the whole lot. Don't we have a different department for dealing with that sort of thing?"

"Huh," Billy grunted, nodding to answer Ianto's question. "It's part of the Cover-Up Department. Tagging and Tracking, we call in in Archives, since most of the items aren't actually alien and never make their way down to us." They drank their coffee in silence for a little while. "You'd make a horrible spy, you know," Billy said with a grin.

"What?"

"Never tell strangers random things about work. You never know what's important. That's the first lesson."

"Is it? And how would you know? Are _you_ a spy?"

Billy laughed. "Naw, I just watch a lot of James Bond," he said. "Pierce Brosnan is hot, but I liked the look of Tim Dalton better."

"He's nothing next to Sean Connery," Ianto replied. "I mean, come on, he _made_ the role!"

"Fan of the classics, are you?" Billy asked, and the conversation easily slid away from anything work-related until the very last moment. "Tell them you want to work with Michael," Billy whispered as he left Ianto to finish his coffee and head back to the office alone, saying that would be better than them walking back together.

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"And then he said, 'they'll think you're nuts, but you'll have a better shot at getting me.' That makes no sense! I mean, does he think I'm an idiot?" Ianto asked James that night over the phone. "I have absolutely _no interest_ in working with Michael. He's an asshole!"

_"Didn't think there was that kind of politics at the National Archives," _James responded. _"They really assign you to a mentor? You don't just get to pick your own?" _

"They say it helps with the training process," Ianto explained.

_"Huh. Well, if you want to work with this guy, and he's been there longer than you, you might want to follow his advice. What did this Michael show you?" _

"Oh, some ancient weapon they found in Scotland," Ianto lied quickly. He hated lying to James, but he knew he couldn't mention that he was talking about a super top secret alien-augmented weapon. "He was the guy from my tenth week. The one who kept going on about the women he slept with. Different woman every night, it seemed. Total misogynist."

_"Oh, him. You hated working with him." _

"I know! But the guy from today seems nice. Normal, too, and you know what kind of nutters we have over here. It's like most people have to be certifiable to work there."

_"Who was he again?" _

"The guy I sat with my fourth week. When I was dealing with all that anxiety," Ianto answered. He settled back on his bed, crossing his legs at the ankles. "He's the one who showed me the ginger tea recipe. But I don't want to talk about work anymore. Did you have any ideas about this weekend?"

_"Dinner? A movie? Back to yours? Outstanding sex?" _

Ianto laughed. "You're so predictable," he teased. "But isn't this the weekend I come to Cardiff?"

"_I'm sorry, but no. The damned contractors. I had to fire the lot. Turns out it was taking so long because they were smoking pot on the job. I'll have to hire new guys, and they might have to redo the whole thing!_"

"That's horrible! Can you get your money back?"

James sighed. "_I'll try. But how can I prove something like that? I'll have to talk to my solicitor. In the meantime, I have less of a flat than usual, so I'll have to come to London again._"

"Well, my bed is alway available," Ianto said, trying to hide his disappointment. "You know that. What about the movie _Red Eye_? I think it comes out on Friday."

_"Haven't heard of it." _

"You'll like it. It's got airplanes."

_"It's a possibility. Will you blow me in the theatre?" _

Ianto coughed, having just taken a sip of coffee when James asked the question.

_"You ok, darling?" _

"You did _not_ just ask that!"

_"Oh, I rather think I did," _James replied, the leer in his voice coming through loud and clear. _"So, will you?" _

"No!" Ianto exclaimed. "Of course not!"

_"Too bad. I could use a good blow job right about now." _

"Did you have a tough day?" Ianto asked, concerned.

_"Nothing out of the ordinary, but it wasn't fun, by any means. One of Suzie's projects exploded in our faces this afternoon. Literally. We all look like we've got a bad sunburn. Owen says our faces should be back to normal in a few days, but I might be a little red when I come up." _

"And why does having a red face mean you need a blow job?"

_"She spent three months working on this thing, it cost a lot of money, and it exploded. All that research down the drain. My bosses won't be happy when I tell them, and the budget report will be fucked for the quarter, since I have nothing to show for it. The blow job would put me in a good mood before I write the report." _

"If you sit down and write your report right now, I'll have phone sex with you when you're done," Ianto offered.

_"Really?" _

"Really. Now get to it! You don't want me to get started without you, do you?"

_"Sir, yes, sir!"_ James barked, even as he laughed. Ianto imagined him giving Ianto a salute. _"I'll call you when I'm done."_

Ianto smiled as he hung up the phone. Given James's usual track record for this kind of thing, he figured he had about an hour to finish what he was doing and be ready for the call. He also needed to figure out what kind of 'sex' they were going to have. Maybe something a bit daring? Something they'd never tried? He'd been reticent to bring up breath-play again, but it seemed like James had liked it that one time. Maybe he could put a twist on it? Make it something he could handle but would still excite James? Do it over the phone? He wasn't sure if it would work. He'd have to do research.

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	11. Chapter 11: Can Today Get Any Worse?

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 11: Can This Day Get Any Worse?**

Posted: October 13, 2014

A/N: I seem to be updating more than once a week. Don't think you mind, do you? Enjoy!

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"Fridays suck," Ianto declared to no one in particular.

He blinked blearily at his pint glass and wondered how it got empty so quickly. He motioned to the bartender for another. Today had been one disaster after another, between forgetting his lunch on the underground, spilling his third coffee of the day all over himself in the break room when someone bumped into him, right in front of half a dozen colleagues, misfiling an artifact and having to file and refile all the associated paperwork to recall the item, correctly file it, and double-check his work before his supervisor-of-the-day noticed the delay, getting practically mauled by a large woman and her six small, yippy dogs on his lunch break because of the mediocre sandwich he had to buy at the lunch truck outdoors because the canteen was closed by the time he got there thanks to the extra paperwork, and then missing his stop on the way home and getting off at an unfamiliar place only to be splashed by a lorry driving through a huge puddle at the side of the road. Not to mention the interview with Catherine of HR that lasted two hours and was what required the third coffee in the first place.

"Interviews suck," Ianto added, though no one was paying attention to him. He frowned, thinking about how he'd walked into the interview prepared for a meeting with Catherine, whom he'd met once and thought was nice, to be confronted by Catherine, Yvonne Hartman, herself, and two of the resident 'psych corps,' men and women gifted with telepathy, among other psychic powers. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and decided he had to beat them at their own game. He pictured Jax, James's fictional hero, and thought about what Jax would do in this situation.

In Ianto's mind, Jax was a tall bond man with perfect teeth and green eyes. He looked sort of like James, with the dimples and cleft chin, but his hair was slightly longer, swept back. He wore a space suit that came from Ianto's memory of old sci-fi shows, and had a personal shield belt and sonic blaster.

Ianto imagined having the personal shield, protecting his thoughts and mind. Whenever he felt them rummaging in his head, he imagined shooting them with the blaster. It was hard work, but he got through the interview, and Yvonne, who had spent the entire meeting sitting in the corner filing her nails, seemed to be paying attention to some of his answers. The psychics sat on either side of Catherine, and every so often one of them would pass her a note. The question that followed the note always surprised him, and usually required one him to use his blaster technique.

By the end of it all he was so exhausted that he stumbled to the break room in need of coffee, and started the chain of events that had him standing on the street corner dripping wet, his best suit ruined, or at least in need of a trip to the dry cleaner's.

He did the only sensible thing. He took a long, hot shower, changed into his most comfortable jeans, and took off for his local after complaining to his roommates about it. Now, fours hours and at least seven pints later, he was quite drunk and enjoying the warmth of his buzz and the people all around him. The only thing he needed right now was James, he decided. James would make the day better.

James would take him home and fuck him senseless so he wouldn't have to think about the disaster of the day. James would cuddle with him afterwards and make him breakfast in the morning. James would have more sex with him, take him out to dinner, and then he'd take him to see that new thriller, _Red Eye_, which just opened at the theaters. It involved airplanes, a favorite thing of James's, and suspense, a favorite of Ianto's. Then they'd go back to Ianto's for more sex. It would be a perfect date.

But James wasn't due until tomorrow afternoon, a good 12-14 hours away…

"Contractors suck, too," Ianto declared, still upset that he wouldn't get to go to James's flat until some unspecified future date, though they'd hoped it would be this weekend. James said on the phone that the new ones he hired seemed to be working out so far, but they had a ways to go to repair the damage the last ones caused. '_Be patient, darling, you'll still get to fuck me in my bed,'_ he'd reassured Ianto. It wasn't about the sex, though, Ianto muttered to himself. He just wanted to see the place, to know what it looked like, so he could imagine James there when they spoke on the phone.

And to reassure himself that James didn't have a wife and/or child he didn't want Ianto to know about. He didn't think James would keep him in the dark about something that important, but he'd seen far too many movies where the mistress and wife found out about each other and had all kinds of drama. Ianto didn't want the drama. Besides, he wasn't a mistress. He was a man. A friend. There wasn't a reason for a mythical wife to be jealous of him.

Not that he was jealous of a woman he didn't think existed, or anything. He didn't get jealous. Not about James. They weren't in a relationship. No need to get jealous.

"I hate to sound cliché, but is this seat taken?" a silky, familiar, American-accented voice purred in Ianto's ear just as a warm hand pressed against the middle of his back. Ianto swung around, a little too quickly for his drink-muddled brain. He felt slightly dizzy, and he wasn't sure he didn't start swaying. "Hey, gorgeous, I heard you had a bad day," James said, smiling encouragingly, his hand moving up and down along Ianto's back.

"What? How did —"

"Gary called me. Is it ok that I came?"

Instead of answering, Ianto grabbed the lapels of James's greatcoat and pulled him into a deep kiss. "Take me home," he growled when he broke away for air. "I want you."

"Thought you'd say that," James murmured, tossing a pile of notes on the bar next to Ianto's place after glancing at the bill. He put an arm around Ianto's waist to support him off the bar stool. "Car's out front," he explained. Ianto caught himself wondering why James always had cash on him. He never used a credit card, as far as Ianto saw, except to pay for hotel rooms. And he must have used one to get the theatre tickets, but he always used cash to pay for dinner or drinks or anything else. Strange. Also, not important. He weaved on his feet as he stood and James held on to him, holding him up.

Ianto made it safely to James's car, and up the stairs to his flat, and into the sitting room, where he shoved James onto the sofa and climbed onto his lap.

"Ianto! Bedroom!" James gasped through Ianto's kisses. Ianto ignored him, his fingers already fumbling with the buttons of James's shirt. "Fuck, Ianto!"

"That's the point," Ianto declared, crowing triumphantly as he pulled James's shirt free of his trousers. He leaned closer and started sucking on James's neck in that spot that always excited him. "I want you to fuck me, James," Ianto slurred, his hands continuing to move, slipping under James's t-shirt so he could caress his skin. "I want your cock deep inside me. I want to feel your balls slapping against my arse." He twisted James's nipples, eliciting a strangled gasp. "I'll ride you, and you'll love every single moment of it."

"God, yes," James moaned. His settled his hands on Ianto's hips, shifting him so that he could thrust his erection against Ianto's clothed arse, before capturing his lips for more kisses. "But let's go to the bedroom, yeah?"

"I think about you all the time," Ianto babbled, breaking away so he could pull his jumper off over his head. "I jerk off every night thinking of you." He started biting James's jaw.

"That's — wow!" James jerked when Ianto's hands found their way down the front of his trousers. "But we've gotta go to the bedroom. We can't do this here."

"No, you don't get it. I was thinking of you tonight, too. I was thinking, wouldn't it be great if you were here so you could fuck me on the sofa? Wouldn't that be hot?"

"Yeah, but what about your roommates?"

"Steve would love to watch," Ianto said. He stopped groping James to get the other man out of his shirt and t-shirt. "You know he's always wanted me. You saw it yourself when we met. And then again at that club. He kissed you! And you're fucking beautiful! Who wouldn't want you?"

"Well, I still can't let us do this here," James said, reaching to do up his fly.

"Come _on," _Ianto whined.

In the background, the front door to the flat opened, and moments later, Steve walked in. He did a double-take, staring at the half-naked men on the sofa.

"Um, guys…" he started to say, shifting awkwardly.

"Sorry!" James exclaimed. "He's totally pissed. I've been trying to — "

"Shut up and fuck me already!" Ianto demanded. He grabbed James's head and tried to pull it so James could suck on his nipple.

"Not here!" James barked, his patience snapping in the face of Ianto's onslaught and Steve's presence.

With a show of strength that astounded both Ianto and Steve, James surged to his feet, tossing Ianto over his shoulder in the process, and proceeded to carry him down the hall to Ianto's bedroom. He had an arm around Ianto's knees, and a firm grip on Ianto's arm to keep him in place.

"What the fuck are you doing? Put me down!" Ianto shouted, squirming against James's hold, forcing him to stop moving or risk dropping them both. "You're supposed to be fucking me!"

James glanced over at Steve, and then at Gary and his girlfriend Lorraine who came into the hall from Gary's room. "I'm not having sex with you on the sofa!" he replied in as calm a voice as he could muster.

"Then what the fuck are you doing here?" Ianto demanded angrily.

"You need me," James said, starting to walk towards Ianto's room again now that he'd gotten Ianto to stop flailing.

"I need you to fuck me, you bloody git!"

"And we'll do that, just not in the middle of the flat! You'd hate me if I let us do that." James kicked open Ianto's door.

"I hate you now!" Ianto shouted at the top of his lungs.

His own anger flaring, James threw Ianto onto the bed. "Shut it down!" he snarled, a finger pointed threateningly at Ianto's face. "I'm getting you water, and if you're not back to yourself by the time I get back, I'm turning around and going home. I did _not_ spend three and a half hours in rush hour traffic for this bullshit!" He turned on his heel and stalked out of the bedroom.

Ianto, dazed by landing so suddenly on the bed and the height of James's anger, lay back, wondering what trouble he'd just gotten himself into. His head was spinning, partly due to the beer, partly due to being horny and angry, though he imagined James carrying him upside down over his shoulder didn't help, either. In the distance, he heard the murmur of voices.

"You ok?" Steve asked.

"Yeah," James answered with a huff. "Fine."

"Try not to let it get to you. He's had a shit of a day."

"That doesn't make it ok to —"

"He doesn't hate you," Gary interrupted.

James sighed loudly. Ianto pictured him running his fingers through his hair. "I know. I know. I just — it's just hard to hear, even though I know he doesn't mean it."

"Take him the water. Get him to sleep. You'll both feel better in the morning."

"I might, but he'll be hung over," James muttered. Ianto heard the tap running.

"You'll deal with it tomorrow, then."

"He wants to go see that new movie," Gary's girlfriend said. "Red something. He was saying he'd like to go with you. You know, before he went out and got so drunk."

"_Red Eye_," James supplied. "He's mentioned it."

"That's it! Honestly, he was really excited." There was a pause. "James? You don't have to worry, you know. He's totally smitten with you. I don't know you well, but even I can tell."

"Thanks, Lorraine, Steve. And Gary? Thanks for calling me."

"No problem, mate. You take care of him," Gary said.

The room had stopped spinning by the time James made it back into the room, and Ianto accepted his help drinking the water. Ianto lay back and closed his eyes. "Everything's spinning again," he said with a groan. James pulled off Ianto's jeans and tucked him under the covers. He sat on the edge of the bed and ran his fingers through Ianto's hair before bending over and kissing his forehead.

"Sleep, Ianto. Get it out of your system."

"I don't think I'll get to work with Billy," Ianto confessed. "I was supposed to keep it from them, but I ended up telling them in the end. I don't know how it happened."

"Billy? The ginger tea guy?"

"Yeah, there's like, over a dozen Williams, so he goes by Billy. But there's two more Billys. There's a bunch of Jennifers and Rebeccas and Sarahs and Michaels and Johns. A few Scotts, too, and there's even a few Jameses."

"How many people work there?" James asked, sounding amused at Ianto's rambling. "I don't think you ever said."

"A lot."

"Uh huh, and are there any other Iantos?"

"Nope," Ianto said, popping the p in a way he learned from James. "I'm the only one!"

"You certainly are unique," James commented.

"Are you married?" Ianto blurted.

James's eyes widened in shock and he burst into laughter. "Of course not!" he exclaimed, wiping his eyes.

"But I've never been to Cardiff with you. Why would you keep me from Cardiff unless you had a wife?"

James shifted on the edge of the bed so he was closer. He leaned down and gave Ianto a tender kiss. "I'm not married, darling. I don't have a wife or a lover or a boyfriend. I'm only with you right now."

"But I've never seen your flat!"

"My flat's full of sawdust and there's no kitchen. I promise I'll bring you by as soon as it's done, ok? As soon as it's done."

"I don't want you to have a wife," Ianto said.

"I don't have a wife," James answered. "I work too much for anyone to want to live with me."

"If I were gay, I'd live with you," Ianto mumbled. "Those women are stupid. They should be _begging_ to live with you!"

James's smile became slightly sad, though Ianto didn't notice.

"Ianto, there are no women."

"But don't you want one?" Ianto blinked, confused. Why wouldn't James want a woman in his life? Everyone wanted a woman in their life!

"I'm content with what I have. I'm happy being with you."

"But I want a woman. I want to marry one someday."

"I know you do," James whispered, wiping his eyes for an entirely different reason, any hint of a smile gone from his lips. "I'm sorry I'm not enough."

"You're more than I could ever hope for. You're too good for me."

"If only you knew who I really was, you'd take that back," James muttered. "You'd hate me."

"I could never hate you," Ianto declared firmly. "If I were gay, I'd want to be with you forever. I bet you'd make a brilliant boyfriend, if you're this good as just a friend."

James's lips twitched, but he didn't smile.

"Sing to me?" Ianto asked, his question punctuated by a yawn. James sighed and started singing softly. Ianto couldn't understand the words, but it sounded like a lullaby. Either that or a love song, and he wasn't ready to think about that kind of thing, even when falling-down drunk.

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Ianto woke up alone in bed. His stomach felt like there were a pack of dinosaurs racing around inside, and his head pounded. He groaned and looked around, sure he could remember kneeling in the bathroom in the middle of the night vomiting, James's soothing voice in his ear and his warm hand on his back. But James wasn't in his room, and there was no usual evidence indicating he'd come, like the hastily discarded clothing, used condoms in the rubbish bin or bottle of lube blocking the view of his alarm clock. Had it been a drink-induced dream? A fantasy?

Though why a fantasy would include vomiting and not sex was beyond him.

He yawned, trying to remember. He had a shitty day. He went out drinking. Somehow, he made it home and into bed. At least he made it home safely. That was always a plus.

Shuffling into the main room, he found his fantasy come to life. James sat on the sofa, leaning forward to work on his laptop while he balanced a mobile between his ear and shoulder. There was a pillow on one end of the sofa and a spare blanket still around his waist. Ianto paused in the doorway to take in the scene. Dressed in boxers and a plain white t-shirt that outlined his well-defined upper body, James had to be the most handsome man alive.

"— I'm not going to apologize!" James said in a harsh whisper. "I'm the boss, and if I need to take off a day early…" He listened for a moment. "Fuck the bloody Rift!" he exclaimed. "You and the others can handle it for a day, Suzie… No, I'm not coming back on Sunday… I'm coming back Monday, just like always… Because I'm in charge! Put Tosh on the phone."

"Coffee?" Ianto asked, bending to kiss James's cheek.

James slammed the lid of his laptop down so quickly Ianto feared that it would break, but the smile on James's face was so warm that he decided he must have imagined the startled, fearful look that flashed briefly across it. "That would be lovely. How are you?"

"Hung over. And, yes, I know coffee's not the thing for that, but…" he trailed off.

"I'll take you to breakfast once I finish here," James offered. He gave Ianto a quick kiss on the lips, then turned away, his call connecting. "Tosh? Yeah, I'm at Ianto's… No, he's fine. I don't know what happened yet, but I'm sure he'll tell me over breakfast…"

Ianto walked away to the kitchen, half an ear out to listen to what James was saying about him. He was disappointed when he realized he'd heard all there was to hear and James was talking about work again, fingers tapping away at his computer. He wondered why James closed his computer so quickly. All Ianto saw was a spreadsheet of data, his inbox containing emails with his team, and a window with a moving graph of some kind. Nothing that made sense to him, at any rate.

"…Did you finish that coding? Uh huh, and that thing we picked up yesterday? Check downstairs. It looked familiar, so I think we have another one down there somewhere. Maybe came through three years ago?" James paused, listening. When he started talking again, he sounded defensive. "I don't know! Just go poke around down there. Do it long enough and you're bound to find something good. You might even find that thing I was looking for last month… Yes, we need an archivist, but I'm not hiring him and that's final… Because I've done office romances before and they always end badly, especially in our line of work… And do I need to remind you that we're _not_ dating?"

Ianto let the bubbling of the coffee machine drown out James's voice. Would he want to work with James, if the opportunity arose, if James asked him? It would be difficult, having sex with the boss. It would mean moving to Cardiff. It would mean —

Ianto shook his head to clear it. No. No, he would pretend he hadn't overheard James and stop thinking about wild possibilities, like getting to see James every day, or at least getting to see him more often. If they lived in the same city… If they _lived_ _together…_

No, that wasn't possible. He had a good job here. He had friends. He had a life in London. He didn't want to give it up for Cardiff and a man he'd only met a few months ago.

Though, if he admitted it, it felt like he'd known and been sleeping with James for a lot longer than the three months it really was. God, was it only three months? Today was September third. Tomorrow would be three months since their first date.

Shit! Was he expected to do anything? _Did_ one do something for a fuck buddy on an anniversary like this? _Was_ this an anniversary?

No! No, it's not an anniversary, and no, they don't do anything for it. They're not in a relationship, damn it! It's just sex, and one doesn't buy presents, anniversary or otherwise, for one's fuck buddy. One's friend. One's friend one has sex with?

God, the whole thing was confusing!

Though he _had_ picked up that little thing on the spur of the moment the other night at the corner store… maybe he could give it to James tomorrow…

But it didn't mean anything.

Just a friend buying a random trinket for another friend.

No relationship, no dating, no meaning.

Just sex.

Good sex.

_Great_ sex.

But still, it was just sex… Wasn't it?

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	12. Chapter 12: What Would Mr Bond Do?

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 12: What Would Mr. Bond Do? **

Posted: October 18, 2014

A/N: Here is a brand new chapter that I wrote to go alongside the chapter about Jack and his experiences I hinted at a few chapters ago. Please enjoy!

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Ianto couldn't sleep. Something was wrong. He could feel it. He didn't know what it was, but he felt in his bones that something was off.

It all started when James didn't answer his mobile. He didn't even text to let Ianto know he was busy. He always texted, because he knew how anxious Ianto could get if he didn't hear from him.

The feeling just got more and more intense as Ianto struggled to find sleep. By four-thirty in the morning, he gave up all pretense and got out of bed. He made a very strong coffee, showered, and contemplated going to work early. He wanted to call James, to hear his voice, to reassure himself that James was fine, but no one wants a call that early. If James were fine, he might be upset that Ianto called and woke him up for no reason.

He went in to work, deciding he might as well be productive, if he could be. Better than sitting at home working himself into an anxiety attack waiting for it to be late enough to call James. At least at work he could (hopefully) distract himself. He brought the anxiety pills with him, just in case he needed them.

"Jones, you're here early," Billy Tillman, one of the security guards, said as he looked over Ianto's security pass at the entrance to the Tower. They knew each other from when Ianto shadowed him as part of his eleventh week rotation with the security guards. He'd shadowed four other people, also, one each day, but Billy seemed the nicest. The most physical of the weeks because of all the walking and standing, Ianto felt glad he wasn't being considered for one of the fieldwork positions. Doing just the security detail combined with the required hand-to-hand combat and firearms trainings had more than drained him.

"Couldn't sleep. Figured I could be of use here," Ianto answered.

"Hmm, I think one of the labs on the 13th floor pulled an all-nighter. I bet they'd appreciate some of your coffee," Billy said.

"And I imagine you'd like a cup as well?" Ianto asked wryly. He'd become known as the go-to guy for coffee, and if he went to one of the break rooms to make some, he knew he'd have to make a full pot, since people would be clamoring for it. "I'll bring it down when I'm done delivering theirs," he said.

"Good man," Billy said, waving Ianto through the bullet-and-laser-proof glass security doors.

Ianto dropped off his messenger bag at his temporary desk next to Lisa's and took the lift to the 13th floor. He had no idea how many technicians or scientists were part of the all-nighter, so he made two trays of four and carried them down the hall until he spotted the lab that seemed abuzz with activity.

"What do you want?" Sally Christiansen demanded when he knocked on the door. Ianto smiled thinly, remembering that social niceties weren't on her list of skills. Currently one of the mid-level technicians, Ianto had seen in the break room that she was the on-call lab supervisor for the overnight shift this week. He didn't think it was a good sign that she was already there.

"Heard you might be wanting coffee," he offered, holding up the trays. Her eyes widened, and she actually licked her lips.

"Come in," she said, motioning him into the room. "Put them over there. I'll call the boys."

As he set the trays carefully down on a table, an alert on one of the computer monitors caught Ianto's eye. He hadn't spent much time in the lab, just a week under Sally's supervisor, John Spencer, and another week in a different lab with Ginger O'Malley, aptly named for the shock of ginger hair that she kept fiddling with when her hands weren't occupied with beakers and test tubes. Even without much experience in the labs, he knew a Priority One Alert when he saw one. And this one, a request from Torchwood Three in Cardiff, had been waiting in the queue since two in the morning.

Ianto sat down at the workstation and clicked on the alert, sending it to be processed. Immediately, a large red box opened on the monitor, the words 'warning' and 'anti-toxin required' standing out. He watched in fascination as the computer spit out a complex chemical formula for an antidote to whatever the substance was, before it had even finished the main analysis.

"That's enough of that," Sally said, turning off the monitor. Ianto jumped. He turned around slowly, not sure what to expect. "We don't give Three information without Hartman's express permission," she explained. "That's why we hadn't gotten to it yet."

"Oh, sorry. I've been told to always send Priority One requests through," Ianto apologized, hoping he wouldn't get in too much trouble.

"No harm done," she answered. He wondered if she was being so nice because of the coffee in her hands. It certainly seemed to help her remember her manners. "All you did was run the sample. Next time, check in with someone when you're in an unfamiliar department."

Ianto nodded and stood, apologizing again. She handed him the cardboard trays, each with one coffee still on it. He wondered that she hadn't consolidated them. She dismissed him with a wave of her hand, walking back to her colleagues without another glance in his direction.

Ianto's mind kept working as he delivered one of the coffees to Billy T. and returned to his desk. He poured the remaining coffee into a real mug he kept there. He always preferred coffee from a real mug.

_Why would Three need an anti-toxin?_ Ianto asked himself as he sipped the coffee. It had gone a stale, so he set it aside with a disappointed frown. _They obviously didn't know what the substance was, otherwise they wouldn't have sent it to us for analysis. But if the substance is toxic, don't they need the anti-toxin information? What if someone gets infected with it? What if someone's dying, and that's why they tagged it Priority One? What if someone's __already__ died? What if it's the beginning of an epidemic? _

_How would I get them the information? __Should__ I get them the information? Hartman's due at nine. That's not so long from now. Maybe I should wait for her to decide. But if someone's dying, how can I wait? How can I not get it to them, if someone's life is on the line? Minutes matter in acute medical situations. Seconds matter. _

While he thought, Ianto wrote down the chemical formula of the antidote on a bit of paper, glad of his better-than-average memory. He folded it up and put it in a pocket.

_I need more information. Who do I know I can trust? Who wouldn't rat me out to HR? _

Ianto liked Lisa well enough, but he knew instinctively that he couldn't talk to her about this. She was an unashamed gossip, like most of the people in HR, and he knew that if he spoke to her, his question would be all over the Tower in half a day. Something like this required discretion. Who might have both the knowledge and the understanding to keep it quiet?

He was under no illusions about how dangerous it was to try to get information to Cardiff when he'd been explicitly told not to have any contact with them. But if people were dying, he had a moral obligation to help. Plus, James was in Cardiff, and if Torchwood Three were fighting an epidemic, or outbreak, he wanted James to be as safe as possible.

He thought about everyone he knew in the Tower and settled on the only reasonable possibility. He got up.

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"I don't know anyone at the lab!" Billy Masters hissed into his mobile as Ianto approached his desk, pair of coffee mugs (with fresh coffee) in hand. His back was to Ianto, and the line of his shoulders spoke of tension and anxiety. "Not well enough to keep my cover and still get the information you need. Ask someone else." He paused, listening. "What do you mean, you don't know who the others are? Ask Jack to —" He broke off, probably interrupted by someone on the other end of the phone. "Oh," he whispered, running his free hand through his hair. "Shit. Yeah, I'll —" He turned towards the doorway, where Ianto stood frozen, not sure what to do with information he only slightly understood.

Was Billy working for Torchwood Three and Captain Jack Harkness? Is that what the mysterious phone call was about? Is Billy one of the spies he warned Ianto about?

"I gotta go. I'll see what I can do." Billy hung up, shoving his mobile in his pocket. "Ianto? What can I do for you?" He tried to smile, but it came off as strained and uncomfortable. Ianto extended one of the mugs.

"I, um, need to ask you something. In private," Ianto managed to mumble.

"Bribing me with coffee?"

"If it works." Ianto shrugged.

"What kind of privacy do you need?" Billy asked, sipping his coffee. "_Personal_ private, or…"

"Bond private," Ianto interrupted, hoping Billy would understand the reference. Billy frowned at him, missing his point. "As in, what would Bond do in a particular situation…" Ianto let his question trail off. Billy's expression lightened.

"Oh! You should have just said you wanted a snog," he exclaimed, jumping up from his desk, leaving his coffee and herding Ianto out of the office and down the hall.

"No, that's not —"

Two minutes later Ianto found himself in a dark stationary cupboard with Billy pressed against him, his lips moving on Ianto's neck. Ianto gave an involuntary sigh. Billy took the mug from Ianto's hand and put it on an out of the way shelf. "Talk quickly," Billy whispered in Ianto's ear. "And don't mind the hands. Gotta have a cover if someone opens the door."

"Um, okay," Ianto responded, putting one hand on Billy's shoulder and the other on his waist, almost as if he were holding James. Billy cupped his groin, and Ianto squeaked, not expecting the intimate gesture. But Billy didn't do more than hold him, and the fear of getting caught kept him limp, so he rushed on. Billy wanted to work with him, he reminded himself. Billy warned him about spies within Torchwood. Maybe Billy would know how to get the information to the proper people?

"I was in one of the labs, and there was a Priority One request from Cardiff that had been in the queue since the middle of the night. They were ignoring it, but I didn't know that, so I sent it to the computers…"

"Go on," Billy encouraged when Ianto trailed off. His lips continued moving against Ianto's neck.

"There was an anti-toxin warning. It gave the chemical compound needed to fight whatever it was. But Sally noticed I'd run the test and told me not to give them the information."

"Do you have the formula?" Billy asked, shifting so his hand ran through Ianto's hair, pressing a thigh between Ianto's legs.

"Left front pocket," Ianto gasped, Billy's teeth grazing his ear in a way that sent a shock of pleasure through his body. He felt Billy reaching into his pocket and taking out the paper.

"Ever kissed a guy?"

"Um, when I was drunk, a few times, maybe," Ianto admitted without thinking. Shit, he hadn't wanted to say that. At least he hadn't mentioned James. He didn't want anyone at Torchwood to know about James. Too dangerous for both of them. He didn't know what exactly James did, but he knew Torchwood would want to know about it. And they had unkind ways of getting information.

"You like cherry?"

"Huh?"

Billy pulled back and brandished cherry chapstick, just barely visible in the dark closet. Ianto frowned. "Don't want to have dry lips for your first non-drunken kiss with a guy," Billy explained. "Close your eyes."

Obediently, Ianto closed his eyes. He'd thought Billy was attractive before, sort of, in an academic, he could see why girls might find him attractive way, but kissing him? Ok, so he was curious. He'd been slightly curious ever since Billy nearly asked him out last week, though it turned out to be just a casual coffee and talk of spies. He wanted to see how Billy lived up to James. If he was willing to go through with this charade of groping and making out with Ianto just to have a cover to get the information Ianto had… He was just acting. That's it. Just acting to keep his cover.

Ianto could act, too.

Billy cursed. "Shit, dropped it. Hold on." Ianto waited. He heard Billy fumbling around on the floor, then the cap coming off the chapstick.

Billy's lips were soft, yet insistent. He kissed well, Ianto thought, though not as good as James. He licked first Billy's then his own lips, getting a burst of cherry on his tongue. Billy chuckled and kissed him again. Ianto smelled eucalyptus, reminding him of the oil at the hotel where he and James celebrated his birthday. He thought of James, of his lips, of his hands, and felt himself becoming aroused. Billy tugged him closer. He felt slightly light-headed.

"Go back to your desk, Ianto," Billy whispered in his ear. "Go back to your desk and put your head down. When you wake up, you won't remember seeing me. You went by my desk, but I wasn't there so you left the mug."

"You're not a spy for Captain Jack?" Ianto asked. Everything felt fuzzy. He wasn't sure where he was anymore, what he was doing. All he knew was cherry on his lips and a budding erection. God, he wished James were nearby!

"No, just a regular guy who loves James Bond," Billy said.

"You smell like the bath," Ianto babbled, pressing his lips to Billy's, wanting more of the cherry flavor.

"Yeah. It's the antidote to the lip balm. Can't have me forgetting, now, can we?"

"Huh?"

"Go sleep, Ianto," Billy insisted, giving him one last kiss. "Go sleep and forget you saw me."

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"Is he sleeping?" a familiar male voice asked.

"Mmm hmm," a woman answered.

"For how long?"

"I've been watching him for half an hour. I didn't have the heart to wake him. He's rather adorable."

"Should we wake him?"

"Probably."

"Ok, which one of us gets to kiss him?"

"Billy! He's not Sleeping Beauty!"

"Sorry. I couldn't resist. He's totally my type."

"Probably better to kiss him when he's awake to participate."

"Such a practical woman you are, Lisa. Let him know I left his mug, ok?"

"Sure. Have a good day."

Ianto waited for Billy's footsteps to recede before opening his eyes and making a show of waking up. He didn't remember leaving coffee for Billy, didn't think he'd seen the man since last week's trip to the cafe. He shrugged internally as he stretched, yawning inelegantly. He had absolutely no interest in kissing or being kissed by him.

"Morning, Mr. Welsh Man," Lisa Hallett said from the neighboring desk. "Catching up on your beauty sleep?"

"I couldn't sleep all last night," he muttered, looking over at her. He gave her a smile. "Guess I put my head down for a minute." He looked at his watch. "Next thing I know it's hours later."

"If you're that tired, maybe you should go home?" she suggested.

"And mess up my sleep rhythms any more? No, thank you," he answered. "Besides, I got yelled at for missing work on my birthday, even though I was sick."

"Sick? Yeah, right," she said with a snicker.

"I think I'll wash my face," he added, ignoring her comment and rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Fix your hair while you're at it," she suggested. "You don't want to be fighting off the entire female population of the Tower, looking as sleep-rumpled and gorgeous as you do."

Ianto blushed deep red and fled to the loo. A combination of pleasure that she found him attractive with the embarrassment of the desire sparked by her use of one of James's pet names for him had him reeling. He _wanted_ her to like him, but it made his stomach twist at the same time. He paused to analyze the feeling.

The potential with Lisa was much greater than with James. He could date her, maybe, which could lead to marriage and kids and a nice life. He didn't have that potential with James. All they really had was sex, great sex, but sex, just the same. He wouldn't consider dating James. He couldn't. He wasn't gay.

_You could be bi,_ a traitorous voice whispered in the back of his head. _Those girls you dated in Uni were bi, and they seemed normal enough. _

No. He wasn't bi. It was James. Only James. He wasn't bi if he was only attracted to _one_ man.

_You enjoyed dancing with Steve,_ the voice insisted.

No! He was drunk. He'd enjoy _anything_ when he was drunk.

_You didn't like kissing Steve. _

Exactly! He wasn't bi. James was the only man he liked kissing. James was the only man he liked having sex with, the only one he fantasized about.

He wasn't gay, and he wasn't bi. He wasn't.

But thinking of James... He still hadn't heard from him. He found a quiet corner and called, breathing a sigh of relief when the call connected.

_"Hopkins," _said an unfamiliar voice. Had he dialed wrong? No, James was on speed dial. Who was this? Why would someone else answer James's phone?

"This is Ianto Jones. I'm looking for James Harper."

_"Yeah, so am I," _the man, Hopkins, grumbled. _"Left his bloody mobile at work. Thing's been ringing off the hook all fucking morning!" _

"Oh. You must be Owen, then?" Ianto asked.

_"He's mentioned me?" _

"Yeah. Says you're the best. Thanks for the pills, by the way," he added.

_"Huh. Well, I'll tell him you called. Better try him again after work, though. Who knows how busy he'll be today." _

"He's ok, though?" Ianto blurted. "Not hurt, or anything?"

Owen laughed. _"Healthy as a horse, as he'd say." _There was something in Owen's voice that didn't ring true, Ianto thought, a frown finding its way to his face.

"You're sure?"

_"Healthiest man I've ever seen," _Owen reassured him. _"I'll tell him you called," _he added, hanging up without another word.

Ianto sighed. There wasn't anything else he could do but wait for James's call or the end of his day, whichever came first. No real answers for any of his questions, then. Back to work.

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	13. Chapter 13: A Slice of Jack's Life

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 13: A Slice of Jack's Life**

Posted:

A/N: And here we are: In honor of John Barrowman's favorite number, here is Chapter 13, all about Jack and the Torchwood Three team. Plus, it's extra-long, since we haven't heard from Jack yet this story. I hope you enjoy!

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Owen Harper was, above all else, a doctor. He took an oath to do no harm and to protect people. Torchwood put that oath to the test often, as well as challenged him to broaden his definition of the word 'person.' Torchwood also gave him opportunities to help people in bigger ways than just healing their bodies. He kept the entire population of the city alive, doing what he now did. The whole country. The world, if Jack was to be believed.

He'd only been working for Jack Harkness and Torchwood for a few months when Jack met Ianto Jones, his hire being the main reason for the meeting that had Jack in London that particular day. Jack insisted he go to London, rather than allow Yvonne Hartman and her cronies into the Hub when Owen was still settling in. Still angry at Jack, more like, and going home to drink himself to sleep when he wasn't vomiting from the stress of it all or pulling a new woman every other night.

Owen hated Torchwood London more than Jack did, if that were possible. Three weeks into his job with Jack, he looked up Katie's case on Mainframe, and discovered that Torchwood London had been tracking it for weeks before Jack became aware of it and arranged to go to the hospital. He hadn't been in time, and Owen learned that while Jack might have acted like an asshole that day, callus and unfeeling, they went out drinking the night Owen read the file and Jack admitted over quite a few fingers of scotch that he felt heartbroken for Owen's loss, since he'd missed the end of it all by mere minutes.

Jack had several contacts within Torchwood Tower, and it had been one of their routine reports of interesting cases being tracked that caught Jack's eye. He'd done some research, found out about Owen's situation, and wanted to help. He even had an idea about something to do, if he caught the parasite in time. He wanted to help a lot more often than he was able to, Jack said with tears running down his cheeks, and Owen had his first glimpse of the man underneath the mask of Captain Jack Harkness. He stopped blaming Jack for Katie's death (sometimes) and transferred all (most, not all, not by a long shot) of that anger and hatred to Torchwood London.

As a doctor, Owen loved a good medical mystery, and his new boss certainly qualified. Jack's blood was perfect. Too perfect. The proper balance of hormones, white and red blood cells, plasma, platelets and everything else one checked for. He was Type O-negative, able to give blood to anyone, and yet, he also read as AB+, able to receive from anyone. Owen couldn't make heads nor tails of it, and the computer ground to a halt with a dozen error messages the few times Owen tried to analyze it more completely.

Jack's body was an enigma as well. Every scan showed that he was a healthy thirty-three year old man. Jack's brain, though… Jack's brain seemed to hold hundreds of years of memories, far more than any human brain was meant to hold, and he used 15% more of his brain than the average person. And yet, he wasn't a genius. He didn't have special mental powers, as far as Owen could tell. He knew his way around Cardiff as if he'd lived there for fifty years, but would get lost in Tesco buying milk. He could put together and operate any number of alien and futuristic gadgets that came through the Rift, and yet he couldn't work the coffee machine, microwave, or toaster, often begging Toshiko to show him how to do it, 'just one last time'.

Owen wasn't a stupid man, and he figured out very quickly that Jack healed from wounds that would kill most people, often far quicker than he had any right doing. Jack never got sick. He never had a cold, never suffered from allergies, never got the flu. Once, on a mission, Owen thought he saw a creature skewer Jack through the heart. By the time Owen got to him, Jack was sitting up, grumbling about having to buy a new shirt and fix his coat, _again_. The bloody patch and gaping hole in the cloth were properly-placed to be at his heart, but his skin was unbroken. No scar, and though there was enough blood on and around Jack's person to worry Owen, his blood pressure was fine, indicating that he must not have lost that much, despite visual evidence to the contrary.

There was no medical information on Jack in Mainframe, so he asked Tosh. She told him to ask Jack himself, so Owen asked Suzie. She told him to ask Jack. Reluctantly, Owen went to Jack and asked.

"I can't die," Jack said.

"Everyone dies," Owen responded.

"I'm healthy. That's all you need to know."

Owen let it go to percolate in the back of his mind as he did his work. He thought about Jack sometimes in the middle of the night, when he was sneaking out of a bird's flat, wondering what Jack did for fun, wondering what made Jack who he was. He'd never seen Jack die, true, but he couldn't believe Jack's declaration. Everyone died. Death was the one constant in the universe.

Then Jack met Ianto and everything changed. Suddenly their boss was just as human as the rest of them, falling in love like any idiot. And he did love Ianto. Owen was sure of it. He might not call their relationship anything in deference to Ianto's skittishness about being with another man, but it was a relationship, and it was love, at least on Jack's part. And probably on Ianto's, Owen would bet, though the man might never admit it. That Jack went by a different name made Owen angry for Ianto's sake at times, knowing the kind of fallout lies like that could bring, and the whole situation frustrated Tosh and Suzie, but this was Jack, a law unto himself.

Internalized homophobia ran deep, though, Owen added to himself. Who was he to judge Ianto over it? If he hadn't met Jack, he might still be battling his own demons around that sort of thing… One accidental dose of alien sex pheromones his fifth week had taken away all of Owen's inhibitions, and he thanked his lucky stars that he'd been with Jack instead of some asshole punter when it happened.

Jack had understood he was frightened, and even though he'd been doused just as liberally, he'd been able to control himself enough to help Owen through without pain for either of them, since the pheromones kept them going for nearly sixteen hours and they needed a bit of variety in what they did. He and Jack made a promise never to speak of it again the next morning when they woke up in Jack's hidey-hole under his office, and the girls were none the wiser because it had happened on the weekend and they hadn't been called in. Still, it had opened Owen's eyes, and he was no longer scared of the possibility of sex with men, though it wasn't his preference and he probably would never seek it out.

Owen had just finished up with his latest conquest when the call came. Owen had to come in to work, Suzie said. Jack was sick, she said. Jack, who was never sick, was in pain and completely delirious. He thought he was on a spaceship. He thought he was surrounded by aliens taking the shape of his colleagues. He was calling for a doctor. Owen pulled on his jeans and left without a goodbye kiss, shirt and leather coat in his hands. He wouldn't remember her name in a few minutes anyway, and the shag hadn't been much to speak of.

Owen raced into the Hub, tossing off his jacket, startled to find the place alight. Suzie handed him a cup of coffee.

"Drink that. We're in for a long night," she said.

Owen tasted the extra stimulant she'd added immediately, recognizing one of his own creations by the hint of almond he added to alert them to its presence in a drink. He downed the coffee and rushed to the med bay where Tosh was standing with Jack, holding his hand and trying to keep a cold compress on his forehead as he thrashed about on the autopsy table.

"Status!" Owen barked, reaching for gloves.

"High fever and blood pressure, nausea, abdominal pain, delirium, and…" Tosh broke off as Owen stepped up to them. Jack reached out and grabbed Owen's shirt, dragging him close.

"Ianto?" Jack groaned.

"No, Jack, it's Owen. Ianto's in London," Owen said, disentangling himself. He gasped when Jack opened his eyes. The whites were completely black, as well as the iris and pupil. He'd never seen anything like it. "What can you tell me?"

"I want Ianto," Jack said.

Owen glanced at Tosh, who shrugged. "He's been asking for Ianto for the last half-hour. He can't see, he said."

"Dying," Jack croaked.

"You're not dying!" Owen barked. "Tosh, Suzie, hold him steady so I can take a blood sample."

Owen got the story of how Jack ended up in this state over the next fifteen minutes as he examined Jack. Apparently, Jack had gone out with Tosh and Suzie to deal with yet another mysterious weevil corpse. Weevils had been dying like flies the past few weeks, keeling over wherever they were, and the police and Torchwood would find them in puddles of strange black goo. They'd taken samples for analysis, but the computers came up with nothing of interest, other than the chemical compounds involved, which didn't tell any of them what happened to the weevils.

"Turns out it's vomit," Suzie muttered, and Owen noticed that she'd changed her clothing since he'd last seen her several hours ago. The weevils were vomiting themselves to death. He'd done a few autopsies, but the corpses he'd worked with had been fine. No physical evidence, other than empty stomachs and excessive bile in their systems. No black goo in them, anyway.

Whatever was causing it, it didn't seem to affect humans. Until Jack.

"He got bitten," Suzie explained. "Then it vomited on me and died. We brought him back here, since he didn't bounce back as quickly as usual and called you when he started complaining of stomach pain. I mean, when _Jack_ complains, it's gotta be something, right?"

"Well, whatever it is seems to have infected him," Owen said.

"It must be in the blood, or something," Suzie said. "I mean, it couldn't be in saliva, since it was all over me, and I'm fine."

"The weevils I looked at didn't have anything wrong with their blood," Owen answered, putting the sample in the alien centrifuge. "Do we have the corpse of the one that bit him?"

"Drawer Three," Suzie said, pointing.

"When… Ianto come?" Jack asked Tosh, loudly enough for Owen and Suzie to hear, though his voice was weak. He started coughing, then gasped for air.

"Ianto's not coming," Tosh said. "It's the middle of the night."

"I want Ianto!" Jack broke into another fit of coughing, rolling away from Tosh as the coughing turned into vomiting. Gooey black sludge poured out of his mouth and nose, landing on the floor with an audible _splat_. Owen rushed over, pulling him into recovery position and giving him a shot of medication for nausea. Jack groaned in pain.

"Not good," Owen muttered to himself, gathering a bit of the sick for analysis. The results came back inconclusive. Different that the weevil vomit, but still, nothing useful. "I can't tell if it's bacteria or a virus, even," Owen grumbled, pulling off one of his gloves to rub his forehead. "I'm sending a sample to London," he finally declared.

"What?" Tosh demanded.

"You can't!" Suzie said at the same time. "We're not supposed to contact them without Jack's approval."

"I'm the medical director, and I say I'm doing it. He's not in any state to make that kind of decision, and we need to figure out what this is. I'll make it Priority One. We need answers, and they might have them. Their lab is better equipped than mine, they're staffed overnight, and they've seen more that I have. Remember, it hasn't even been a year for me yet." Owen sent the analysis over to Torchwood London, tagging it for immediate necessity. "Now all we have to do is wait for their techs to do their work."

"He's getting worse," Tosh said from her position at Jack's head. She ran her fingers through his sweaty hair. "He's getting more and more pale, and I think his fever's going up."

There wasn't much to do but wait to hear from London. Owen continued monitoring Jack's vitals, giving him various medicines and trying to keep him calm and out of pain. He inserted an IV to give Jack fluids. He and the girls moved Jack to a more comfortable cot so he could autopsy the weevil, but the results were the same as for the others. Nothing conclusive. They put the corpse in storage and shifted Jack back to the autopsy bay, moving the table aside so he could stay on the cot.

By four in the morning, Jack was panting shallowly, no longer able to breath without wheezing. He'd vomited three more times, the sludge getting thicker each time. And his fever kept rising.

"If he were anyone else, he'd be dead," Owen said to Tosh, who stayed with him while Suzie napped on the ratty sofa. He put an oxygen mask over Jack's mouth and nose. "This can't go on much longer. He's just getting worse."

Tosh's eyes widened. "London hasn't said anything?"

Owen shook his head. "I think we should call Ianto."

"Owen," she protested.

"No, listen, Katie wasn't supposed to die when she went in for surgery, and she did, and I didn't get to say goodbye. Jack needs to be able to do that, if we can give it to him. It would be easier on Ianto, too."

"We can't," Tosh said. "Jack will recover. We all know that. If we call Ianto in the middle of the night, we give him a huge fright, and when Jack's back to his normal self, he'll have to explain to Ianto, and that's probably the last thing he wants."

"But—"

"Jack's keeping Ianto in the dark about Torchwood for a reason," Suzie interrupted, having woken up and joined them. She leaned against the railing over their heads.

"And that would be? He could just have him sign the Official Secrets Act and be done with all the hiding and lying!"

"He wants a normal relationship," Tosh answered.

"There's nothing halfway normal about Jack," Owen muttered.

"That's why he's so invested in this thing with Ianto," Tosh exclaimed. "He works a normal job, has normal friends, normal problems. No aliens, no future tech, nothing to remind Jack of Torchwood."

"He applied there," Suzie pointed out.

"And was rejected and retconned," Tosh countered. "What little he may have known about Torchwood, for however few hours it actually was, has been erased."

"So what do we do?" Owen asked. "We can't let Jack suffer."

"We wait to hear from London," Suzie said. "We try to make him comfortable."

Owen rubbed his neck in frustration. "Fine," he said. "How long do we wait? They should've gotten us the info hours ago!"

"If we haven't heard by 7, I can call Sparky," Suzie said. "He usually gets to work by 7, I think."

"Who's Sparky?"

"One of Jack's spies in Torchwood London," Tosh explained. "The only one me and Suzie have met. The only one we know how to contact without Jack."

On the autopsy table, Jack whimpered, calling weakly for Ianto again. His voice caught in his throat and he started coughing.

"Want Ianto," Jack moaned, then doubled over, vomiting, pulling the mask from his face just in time. Tosh rushed over with a bowl to catch it. The sludge was even thicker, and Jack started choking as it got stuck in his throat.

"I've gotta get a nasogastric tube in him," Owen declared, pulling on more gloves after rummaging in his drawers for the proper equipment. "This won't be pretty."

"And watching him be sick is?" Suzie asked, climbing down the stairs as she rubbed at her eyes, ready to help.

It took all three of them to get the tube placed properly, going from Jack's nose all the way down to his stomach. Once it was there, Owen attached it to a container and small pump so he could remove the sludge before Jack vomited again. They watched in horrified fascination as it worked, the container filling with sludge and bile in a disgusting mess. Jack looked green under his pallor, but his vitals were steadying, though nowhere near out of danger.

Owen frowned. He had absolutely no idea where the sludge was coming from. It wasn't food, since Jack hadn't eaten. It wasn't cannibalized organs, or muscle, or other tissue. It just appeared in his stomach and forced its way out. Alien, he concluded. Definitely alien.

Seven came, and with it a call to the mysterious Sparky. He had no information. He didn't work in the labs, he said, didn't have any friends there, and could potentially blow his cover if he suddenly developed an interest in what they did.

Half an hour later Sparky called back with a chemical compound he thought would be an anti-toxin for whatever was affecting Jack. When asked how he obtained it so quickly, he reported that one of the newer hires he was courting as a friend and unknowing informant happened on the lab and put through the Priority One request from Owen before he knew he wasn't supposed to, and came to Sparky to ask for advice about what to do with knowing an anti-toxin formula for something Torchwood Three had obviously wanted hours ago, if the time-stamp on the request was correct. Sparky took the information, retconned his friend so he wouldn't know he was a spy for Three, and called Suzie immediately. He refused to tell her the identity of his informant, saying Jack had tasked him with keeping that sort of information to himself. Jack, himself, didn't even want to know who Sparky's informants were, lest he risk Sparky's cover.

Jack's color started improving almost immediately upon receiving a solution of the compound, and by five fifteen in the evening when his mobile rang, yet again, he was almost back to his usual self, though subdued. His vision was still hazy, but he recognized the ringtone. He reached for his phone, which Owen had in his pocket. Tosh and Suzie had gone home around four, needing sleep, but Owen insisted on staying a few hours until he could take Jack off the IV. Jack answered his phone, coughing, and didn't protest when Owen handed him a glass of water and some pills.

"Ianto?… What?… No, I'm fine. Bit of a cough. Owen's looking after me… No, he didn't tell me you called…" Jack raised an eyebrow and frowned at Owen for not passing on the message.

"How about you? Any news from that interview last week?… You fell asleep at your desk? Did you get in trouble?… Oh, good."

Jack paused to listen, his lips curved in a gentle smile his team rarely got to see. To Owen it looked like the smiles he and Katie used to give each other. "Yeah, listen, I should probably go. I want to rest up for this weekend." He laughed. "That's right, the usual time, unless something comes up. I'll text you…" He rolled his eyes at something Ianto said. "Darling, you can call me whenever you need to, ok? Middle of the night, even… No, I won't get mad… Yeah, talk to you soon. Bye."

Jack put his phone down and sighed loudly. He glanced at Owen, who'd been rummaging around the autopsy bay, trying not to listen and failing. "He was up all night worried about something he couldn't define," Jack said. "Decided it was me."

"I almost called him," Owen admitted. "Tosh and Suzie convinced me not to."

"And then you forgot to say he called me?"

"Slipped my mind, sorry," Owen said. "But I've had a lot to do, like keeping you alive! At least I remembered to give him a false surname." Jack grunted. "Look, do you want him involved, or not? Because I can —"

"I don't want him involved in all this," Jack said. "I don't want him to know about Torchwood. I told you that! Besides, I can't die. There wouldn't have been a reason to call him about his anyway."

"Well, last night you were telling me that you were dying," Owen responded. "How was I to know you wouldn't? And define 'I can't die.' I need a bit more to go on than that, if I'm going to keep treating you."

"I'm very hard to kill," Jack corrected.

"Figured that one out on my own," Owen grumbled.

"We need to refine this anti-toxin into a gas and flood the sewers to keep the weevils from dying," Jack declared, changing the subject. "I don't want the police constantly calling us about dead 'animals.' They're going to get suspicious."

"Fine, don't tell me," Owen barked. "I'll work on the gas in the morning, but I need some sleep first. And I'll need the others to figure out how to distribute it."

"Fine. Now get this IV out of my arm," Jack ordered. "I have things to do."

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Jack strode into the Hub with a smile on his face. He waited for the cog wheel door to close and the alarm to stop before making his announcement.

"Kids, I bought a flat," he declared loudly, waving a sheaf of papers.

Suzie looked up from the report she was writing. Tosh turned away from her computers to look at him with surprise written across her face. Owen abandoned his video game.

"Let me get this straight," Owen said, pulling his chair out and sitting on it backwards. "You… bought… a flat?" His voice dripped with skepticism. "Twenty hours after you almost died?"

"Yep," Jack said proudly, puffing out his chest. "Time to move out of the Hub. What better time than when I'm thinking of my mortality? Top of the line place, too. You should see it. It's great! Oh, wait, let me show you!" He hurried over to Tosh's station and pulled up the listing, bouncing on the balls of his feet with excitement. Suzie scurried over to look, gasping when she saw the exterior shot of the building.

"I didn't think anything in that building was for sale," she commented.

"It went on the market… this morning?" Tosh said, looking over the listing. "How could you have bought it already?" she asked Jack.

"I have a good solicitor," he answered with a shrug. "Besides, cash greases just about any wheel."

"You paid cash?" Owen barked, sputtering. "_Cash_? How much, 10%?"

"The whole thing," Jack answered, reaching over Tosh to point out some of the features. "I didn't want to have to deal with a mortgage. Look at this kitchen! And look how big the bedrooms are."

"The whole thing?!" Owen shouted. "How can _anyone_ have that kind of money liquid?"

Jack shrugged again. "I've been around a while. It accumulates."

All three of his staff simply stared at Jack, at a loss for words.

"It's got underground parking, of course," he continued, pretending not to notice their silence. "Marble in the kitchen and bathrooms. Hardwood throughout. And a great view of the Bay. Plus, it's really close to work." He paused, noticed the disapproving looks on their faces for the first time. "What? I didn't get the penthouse! It's not the biggest flat in the building. It's just a three-bedroom. I'll have a gym in one room, and a —"

"Jack, why did you buy a flat?" Tosh asked softly, voicing the question for the others.

"Ianto's been wanting to visit me here," Jack said, his expression turning slightly wistful. "Last weekend he asked if I had a wife hidden away. I figure the only way to lay those fears to rest is to get a flat and show him. I can't very well bring him to the Hub."

"But you live _here_," Owen said. "You take four of the seven overnight shifts, and he knows that. You spend the rest of your time in London with him! There's no way he'd believe you live there."

"He doesn't have to believe I live there, just that I own it," Jack said. "Just that there's no one else. Anyway, I have to get furniture before I can bring him by, and that takes a bit of coordination, so it's not like it'll be tomorrow."

"There's no one else?" Suzie asked, her interest suddenly piqued.

"Not since I met him," Jack answered. "Haven't been interested."

"That's a first," she muttered, wandering away to go back to her desk.

"Not really," Jack called after her. "You've only known me a few years. Before I ran this place, I had more freedom, more of a life outside of Torchwood."

"There is no life outside Torchwood," Owen said, his mood suddenly sour, leaving Jack standing next to Tosh. She looked up at Jack and gave him a tentative smile.

"It looks like a lovely flat," she said.

"I'll invite you to the flat warming," he said casually over his shoulder as he walked towards his office. He didn't see the brief expression of sadness on her face. If he had, he wouldn't have understood that it was because she hadn't had any friends to invite to her first flat warming. He stopped at the door to his office to address the others.

"Owen, I want weevil autopsy reports on my desk by the end of the day, as well as an analysis of the toxin. Tosh, figure out how we're going to distribute the anti-toxin gas. Suzie, track weevil sightings and find their main nests. The way I see it, we hit the biggest population centers, we'll nip this in the bud before it becomes an epidemic."

"What are you going to do?" Suzie demanded from her desk, shouting across the Hub. "I won't sit here working while you look up coffee tables online!"

"I'm calling the police to warn them about the 'rabid animals' we're sorting for them," Jack shouted back. "Is that good enough for you?"

Suzie grumbled to herself and plopped back onto her chair. Jack grinned and winked at Tosh, who'd been watching the exchange silently. She stifled a giggle.

In his office, Jack pulled over his laptop and started looking up fabrics for the living room set he'd seen a while back and thought would be nice if he ever decided to grow up and move out of the Hub. Something occurred to him.

"Tosh, get in here!" he shouted. She abandoned her computers and walked into his office. "Find a way to send alerts to our mobiles, or something. I want us to be able to have overnight shifts at home instead of this place."

"So you can actually live in this flat you just bought?" she asked with a knowing look. On anyone else it would have been a smirk.

"It would make things easier," he answered. "And you'd prefer to spend your weekends at home unless something comes up, wouldn't you? Staffing the Hub 24 hours a day doesn't seem as viable as it used to. Don't know why I didn't think of it sooner."

"You'd always been willing to do it before," she suggested. "Now you have a reason not to."

"True, true," he agreed. "Before I took over, we had more staff. There was no need to set up remote access for warnings or alerts, because someone was always here. I guess I never thought to change that."

"Well, I, for one, think it's a brilliant idea. I'll get right on it," she said, giving him a smile.

Jack smiled back distractedly, his eyes drifting to the picture of Ianto he kept on his desk. The picture was traditional, of him and Ianto together, taken on Ianto's birthday in the lobby of the theatre. Ianto's eyes were so bright, his expression so happy, that it made Jack smile every time he saw it. The one he kept in his bunker was slightly more risqué; taken one Sunday morning when Ianto was sleeping, it was a simple headshot of Ianto with a sweet, contented smile on his face.

He thought of Ianto, of how upset Ianto had been thinking he had a wife hidden in Cardiff. He sighed and reached into his top desk drawer to get out his diary. Calling the police could wait a few more minutes.

_"8 September, 2005, Thursday_

_"I bought a flat today. I asked Toshiko to find a way to get alerts on our mobiles, so we don't have to do overnight shifts at the Hub. I want to be able to live in the flat, so that when I bring Ianto by he believes that it's mine, that I'm not hiding a wife from him, like he worries about…" _

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	14. Chapter 14: First Date with Lisa

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 14: First Date with Lisa**

Posted: October 26, 2014

A/N: Wow, 100 Reviews! Special thanks to Aya2013 for being my 100th reviewer! And kkpsigirl for being 101!

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Ianto hummed to himself as he packed his messenger bag. While he usually didn't mind staying a little late if he needed to, today was different. Today, _James_ had called _him _during his lunch break and asked if he could come a day early. He was feeling off, and thought there was something Ianto could do to help him. Ianto had no idea what he was talking about, since James didn't give any details, but he promised to give it a try. So, James wold be arriving at his in just a few hours, and he had to give the place a good clean. Hence, wanting to leave immediately at five.

Next to him, Lisa sat at her desk, carefully reapplying her lipstick. She caught him watching and winked. He felt his cheeks heat. They'd been flirting with each other for two weeks straight, and today was their last day next to each other, since, in theory, he'd come in on Monday and find out who he'd gotten as a mentor for the remainder of his training. He hadn't heard her mention a boyfriend, and if James hadn't called like he had, Ianto might have considered asking her out for a drink that night. She _had_ called him gorgeous the other morning when he'd fallen asleep at his desk. That was a good sign.

But James was on his way, so he didn't have the time. It would be nice to go out with her, he thought. Even if it was just as friends, though the idea that she'd agree to go on a date with him sent a small thrill of excitement through his body. Today she was dressed in black trousers and a scoop-neck blouse in a luscious purple silk that showed off her cleavage to excellent effect.

"Hot date tonight?" he asked, giving her an inviting smile and hoping she didn't think he was staring at her breasts.

Lisa closed her compact and tossed it and the lipstick in her pocketbook. "I certainly hope so," she answered. She patted her perfectly arranged short hair to make sure it was in place.

"You don't know?"

"He hasn't asked yet."

"No? Is he blind? You're beautiful."

"Why thank you," she purred. "I think he's shy," she explained. "Or gay. We've been flirting for a while, you see, and I think he's interested, but every time I think he's about to ask me out, he doesn't."

"Hmm, I know a number of gay men who flirt with women because they know it's safe and that it won't go anywhere," Ianto mused, adding his travel mug to his bag.

"You know a lot of gay men?" She sounded curious, and also slightly disappointed.

"My roommate Steve is gay," Ianto explained quickly. He didn't want her to think _he_ was gay. "And I have a good friend who'll flirt with anyone gorgeous enough," he added, thinking of James. Who also wasn't gay, he reminded himself. The most handsome man Ianto had ever seen, and sexy as hell and damn good at every kind of sex they'd tried, but not gay.

"Well, this guy is a snappy dresser, always well put together," she explained. "But that doesn't mean he has to be gay, right? He could just have style."

"True," Ianto said.

"And he's very polite."

"Could just have nice manners, I suppose," Ianto murmured. He snapped the bag closed. "It's not unheard of."

Lisa put down her own bag and stepped closer to Ianto. "So, which is it, shy, or gay?"

Ianto looked at her in surprise. "Me?" he blurted. She nodded, moving close enough that he could smell her perfume. She raised a hand and adjusted the lapels of his suit jacket. "You're talking about me?"

"Yes, Mr. Welsh Man. Shy, or gay?"

Ianto swallowed nervously. He felt himself blush, and a drop of sweat trailed down the back of his neck. "Shy," he answered, his voice slightly lower than normal because of nerves. "I, um, I'd love to take you out for a drink, if you want," he offered. She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow. He hadn't done that right, it seemed. He tried again. "Would you like to get drinks sometime?" he asked more firmly.

"Yes," she answered, smiling, looking pleased. "How about tonight?"

Ianto froze. James was coming tonight. James would be at his the entire weekend. He couldn't leave James alone at his place while he took Lisa out. That wouldn't be fair at all. But how could he explain to her that he was busy the _entire_ weekend? Could he ask James to leave early? No, that wasn't fair to James. Shit. What should he do?

Ordinarily, a Friday date wouldn't be a problem, since James didn't arrive until mid-day Saturday, but today…

"Is today not good?" she asked, saving him from his near-panic.

"I have a friend coming to visit from out of town. He's due in a few hours." Ianto paused, took a deep breath, and continued. "What about next Friday? After work?"

"That would be great," Lisa said. She leaned forward. "You want to know a secret?" she whispered. He nodded. "They assigned you to Billy Masters. I thought you'd like to know, since you've been on edge about who you were going to get. But don't tell anyone I spilled the beans. You have to act surprised on Monday."

"Of course," he said quickly. "Thanks. I thought I'd get put with Michael Sheldon, or something."

"According to the report, you did so well against the psych corps that they figured they wanted to see what you'd do if you went where you wanted."

"Really?" he blurted, completely stunned. "I mean —"

"But you can't know _that_, either," she said. "I had to sneak a look at the report when Catherine was on the phone… she doesn't know I saw it."

"Wow. Thanks. That must have been hard."

"I have a suspicion you're worth it."

"They don't want me for psych corps, do they?" Ianto asked, suddenly worried. He didn't want to have to rummage around in other people's heads. That wouldn't be very ethical. Or fun, he thought, given what people thought of others and kept to themselves most of the time.

"No. You don't have any telepathic markers," she answered. "A smidge of empathy, but that's it. More than me_. _I don't have _any._"

"Sorry."

She giggled. "You're cute."

"Is it my turn to compliment you again?" he said with a small flirtatious smirk on his face, learned from James. "Lisa, the rarest of flowers…"

They smiled at each other, large, happy smiles, before Lisa turned away. "Don't forget our date," she called over her shoulder. "I know where you work! I can hunt you down."

He laughed. "I'll be at your desk by 5:01," he promised.

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Ianto paced around the loo nervously, checking his hair one last time. He hadn't been on a date with a woman in months. What did he do? Did he pay? Of course he paid! Did he kiss her goodnight? Maybe. Did he have sex with her? No. Not on a first date. Did he tell her about James? No! No, he didn't mention James! James was just a friend. Someone he cared about, someone who cared about him, but just a friend. It didn't matter that they were having sex. People did that kind of thing all the time.

He took a deep breath and let it out. He checked his watch.

Lisa gave him a warm smile when he walked up to her desk. She accepted the arm he offered. "What are you, some kind of country lord?" she teased.

"We're taught manners in Wales," he answered, winking. She giggled. He decided he liked her giggle quite a bit.

They chatted over drinks. They flirted over dinner. They were considering dessert when Ianto noticed someone's mobile ringing to the tune of '_I Only Have Eyes for You._' He frowned. Who would want _that_ as a ringtone?

"You can answer that, if you want," Lisa said, rather acerbically, her lips pressed together in a thin line of disapproval.

Fearing the worst, Ianto reached into his pocket where he discovered that it was _his_ mobile making the horrible noise. His cheeks turned red in humiliation. He pulled it out. James. Of course.

"What the fuck did you do to my mobile?" he hissed angrily, turning away from Lisa, though he knew she could probably hear every word he said. He only hoped she wouldn't be able to hear James. "You're embarrassing me!"

_"I'll have to tell Toshiko that it worked," _James said with a hearty laugh.

"You got your staff to prank me? You're a bloody bastard, you are," Ianto growled.

_"Darling, what's gotten into you? I thought you'd think it was cute." _

"I'm out with friends," Ianto explained quickly, ignoring the twist in his gut at the lie. "What do you want?"

_"Oh. Sorry. I just wanted to confirm our plans for tomorrow. It's getting late and I thought we'd talk since you hadn't called yet… Should I text instead?" _

"Yes, that's fine. I'll see you then." Ianto hung up and turned back to Lisa with an apologetic smile on his face, not caring how rude he'd been to James. How dare he mess with his mobile like that? He shut the thing off for good measure. "I'm really sorry about that. One of my friends played a practical joke on me."

"He changed your ringtone to that?" she asked.

"He can be a right arse sometimes," Ianto muttered, fiddling with his napkin. "Didn't know he'd done it," he added, not thinking it was wise to mention that the ringtone had been the perfectly acceptable James Bond theme when James called him the day before. New technologies, indeed, he thought to himself, his mind boggling that James and his technician could alter the ringtone on _Ianto's_ mobile from 150 miles away.

"You're sure it's not a message?"

"Huh?"

"You know, like he's saying he's interested in you," she explained.

Ianto rolled his eyes. "He knows I'm not gay. He just likes to mess around. Did something similar to one of the guys on his team, once, though he used _Heartbreaker,_" Ianto lied quickly.

Lisa nodded thoughtfully. "So, how did our date become 'out with friends?'" she asked, resting her chin on a hand.

Ianto rubbed the back of his neck, looking away briefly. "Sorry about that. I, um, I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry. I, um, I haven't been on a date in a while, I guess. I'm not used to it."

Lisa's eyes widened slightly. "How long is a while?"

"Three, four months," Ianto admitted, his voice low with discomfort.

She gave him a kind smile and rested her hand on his briefly. "Don't worry, Ianto, it's just a first date. There aren't any big expectations. Do you want to split the chocolate cake?" she asked. He agreed, grateful for the change of topic.

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Ianto walked Lisa home and kissed her cheek goodnight, but declined her invitation to come upstairs, saying he didn't want to press too far on the first date. She said he was a gentleman to say something like that and cajoled him into coming up 'just for a coffee.' To his surprise, all they did was talk some more and drink very bad instant coffee. He promised to make her better coffee next time, and since she'd benefited from his coffee-making skills for two weeks, she accepted enthusiastically. They kissed goodnight again as he left, on the lips this time. He felt a warmth suffuse his body and recognized it as desire.

Back at his flat, Ianto looked at his phone for the first time in hours. James had texted his plans, the text devoid of the usual flirty remarks or x's at the end. Was he upset? Probably. Ianto had to find out. He dialed.

_"I'm sorry about earlier," _James said in greeting. _"I didn't mean to embarrass you." _

"I know," Ianto reassured him. "I'm sorry for being short with you. I was just upset. There was someone there from work I barely know yet," he added, wondering why he didn't just come out and tell James he'd been on a date.

No, he didn't need to wonder. He didn't want to tell James. He didn't want to have to think about what it meant that he'd done it. He didn't want to think about the implications of dating Lisa and how that would effect what was happening with James.

_Denial,_ a voice in his head that sounded like Steve whispered.

No! Not denial. What could he possibly be in denial about, anyway? He knew what he was doing. He knew what James thought. They had an agreement. They weren't exclusive. And why should he have to tell James about one date, anyway? It was none of his business!

_Just like it's none of Lisa's business that I have sex with James?_ he asked himself.

One date didn't mean anything. She'd said it, herself. No big expectations. A kiss wasn't having sex, and that's all it had been. They'd had a very nice time, granted, and they planned to go out again the next week, but they weren't serious. Just getting to know each other. Just trying things out.

_"Well, I'm still sorry," _James was saying_. "I'll make it up to you." _

"Yeah? How?"

_"You'll just have to wait until tomorrow, won't you?" _James teased. _"I should go. At least one of us needs sleep." _

"You're implying that you don't?"

_"I don't __need __it. I can get away with two hours a night, if I have to." _

"Comes in handy when you visit me," Ianto commented.

_"I love watching you sleep," _James said, his voice suddenly serious. _"You're so gorgeous. So peaceful. It makes me thank the Gods and Goddesses that I can do the work I do, so I can protect you and people like you." _

"I always feel safe when you hold me," Ianto responded without thinking.

_"I'm glad, darling. That makes me so happy to hear." _

Ianto smiled, thinking about how lucky he was that an amazing man like James cared so much about him. "I'll see you tomorrow, then?" He pushed away worrying about how happy he, himself, sounded. He pushed away any fears about what was brewing with Lisa. He had James now, and that was the most important thing.

_"Yeah. Sleep tight." _

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tbc next time in: Chapter 15: So... he's bi?


	15. Chapter 15: So He's bi?

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 15: So... He's bi?**

Posted October 28, 2014

A/N: Thank you for all the reviews! As promised at the beginning, here's a bonus chapter for the support. (10 reviews in 24 hours feels really good. It means you like my story!)

And for those of you asking about Canary Wharf and Cyberwoman, Remember that it's September 2005 for Ianto and Jack. The Battle takes place in June or July 2007...

Ciao, bellas.

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_"You've seemed happier lately," _Rhiannon said._ "Have you started seeing someone?" _

"No," Ianto answered. "Just have a good life, I guess. Good job, friends. I have what I need."

_"Are you dating, though? Anyone at work, maybe?" _

"I don't need to be dating around to be happy," Ianto commented. "It hasn't been on my mind lately." _Lie!_ he told himself. _It's just one date,_ his other side argued. No need to bring up Lisa. Or James. Definitely not James.

_"Well, I'll be here when you want to bring her round," _his sister said, ending the conversation.

_._

_._

_._

Ianto stirred the meat sauce in front of him and thought about the call from a few hours ago, just minutes after he got off the phone with James. His sister had called to invite him for his nephew's birthday the following weekend. He didn't think he'd be able to go, but he said he'd think about it. He didn't tell her that he'd have to talk to James, see if they could meet in Cardiff for a change, if he was going to go down there already. He was dying to see James's flat, to see where he slept when he wasn't with Ianto. Even just to see the dust-covers, Ianto muttered to himself. Just to see where it was. He didn't need to sleep there, didn't need to fuck James in his own bed, rather than Ianto's.

Oh, wait, yes he did.

There must have been something in his voice, he mused, for her to comment about his happiness.

Was he happy? He paused to consider it. He liked his job. He liked his roommates. He liked his friends. He really liked James. What was it James had said once? That regular sex helped keep depression and anxiety at bay? He could vouch for that. He hardly got anxious anymore, not since his birthday. Not since he and James spent three full days to themselves, without worrying about Ianto's roommates overhearing anything because James paid for a hotel room for the entire weekend so Ianto would be able to relax and _be_.

Not since James had gone out of his way to teach Ianto how to defend himself…

Even last weekend ended up going well, with James's subdued mood and odd request, and Ianto not going to Cardiff yet again. Better than either of them expected at the start, he thought. Better than James hoped for, when he explained himself. He'd been expecting Ianto to refuse, or judge him harshly, or leave him, Ianto realized suddenly. But after a bit of thought, a few questions, a little clarification, Ianto knew he couldn't refuse. This was something James needed, desperately, if he was willing to risk what they had to ask for it, and Ianto wouldn't leave him over something that important. In fact, he was still smiling, thinking about how creative they'd gotten, when Steve walked into the kitchen with another man Ianto didn't recognize.

"Ianto, my boyfriend Thom. Thom, my roommate, Ianto." Steve said, introducing Ianto and his new boyfriend.

"Good to meet you," Ianto said, shaking Thom's hand. He was a few inches shorter than Ianto, the same height as Steve, and very blond. He had a strong handshake, and Steve had been smiling about him ever since going home with him the night after Ianto's birthday, so having him as an official boyfriend seemed like a good thing.

"I'm surprised to see you home," Steve admitted, pulling two beers from the fridge and handing one to Thom. "I thought you and James would be out somewhere."

"Ah, he's running late," Ianto explained, turning back to the stove. "Figured I'd cook so he'd have something hot to eat after the drive rather than having to wait for food at a restaurant. There'll be enough, if you guys want some."

"What is it?"

"Just spaghetti with meat sauce."

"Thom's a vegetarian," Steve answered. "We were going to order something. But thanks for thinking of us. Do you mind if we use the big tv? Or did you have plans with James?"

"No plans. Not with him running this late. He comes from Cardiff and usually gets here mid-afternoon," Ianto explained to Thom. "Take the tv. If we want to watch something, we can use my computer."

"When's he due?"

Ianto checked his watch. "Anywhere between the next fifteen minutes and the next hour, depending on traffic. I think there was an accident on the M-4 earlier."

"And Gary?"

"Went to his brother's for the night," Ianto answered. "Said he'd be back sometime tomorrow."

"Cheers," Steve said, saluting Ianto with his beer and herding Thom from the room.

"Who's James?" Thom demanded in a loud whisper as he followed Steve. Ianto froze, listening. He knew he shouldn't, but he wanted to know what Steve thought, what Steve would say when he wasn't there. He crept towards the doorway to hear more clearly, positioning himself so they couldn't see him eavesdropping. It was a bad habit, he knew, but he found himself doing it more and more lately, whenever James came up as a topic of conversation between his roommates. "Sounds like a boyfriend, or something. Is he gay, too?"

"James is Ianto's friend from Cardiff," Steve explained. "More like friend-with-benefits, but Ianto prefers if we don't talk about that. He's straight."

"But he sleeps with this James bloke? Is he the one I saw you with at the club? The other guy making out with Ianto? 'Cause he was totally hot!"

"Yeah, that's James," Steve admitted.

"So… he's bi?"

"James probably is, but Ianto's straight, according to him. He just has sex with James sometimes."

"That doesn't make sense! How often do they —"

"Every weekend, almost. James comes up on Saturdays and leaves in the middle of the night early Monday morning."

"And Ianto thinks he's _straight_? Is he in de—"

"Don't say that word!" Steve interrupted. "I'm not ready to get another broken nose defending you from James."

"Huh?"

"A few weeks into them knowing each other, I made the mistake of accusing Ianto of being in denial about dating James. Ianto totally freaked out. Like, he started having panic attacks. I was totally out of line, of course. Ianto can date or not date whoever he pleases. But I needled him about it, and when he broke down during his lunch break when on the phone with James, well, James got mad. Showed up that night and punched me so hard he broke my nose! Then, get this, he set it, like you'd see someone do at A & E. Can't even tell it was broken."

"Wow."

"James is a cool guy, but he's got a protective streak where Ianto's concerned that you wouldn't believe. Gave him self-defense lessons, even."

"And what does James think of the whole 'Ianto's straight' thing?" Thom wondered.

Steve paused, and Ianto waited, holding his breath. What would Steve say? What did he think James thought?

"James has always said that he'll go wherever Ianto wants to go. Ianto wants them to be fuck buddies or friends-with-benefits, and James goes along with that."

"But what does _James_ want?"

"He wants Ianto to be happy. He wants to be a part of that, a part of Ianto's life."

"Huh."

"Try not to think about it," Steve recommended. "It just gets you in trouble, otherwise."

Ianto heard the sound of the tv turning on and the dvd player intro. He turned back to the stove. Steve thought James wanted Ianto to be happy. Well, that was blindingly obvious, he scoffed. Of course he did. And he was a big part of how happy Ianto had been recently.

He let his mind drift as he cooked. He wasn't nearly as self-conscious about his cooking as he'd been. James helped with that. He encouraged Ianto to cook, to try new recipes. And it made Ianto happy to serve James something he'd made himself, to watch James eat it with such enjoyment. It felt good to take care of James, since James took such care of him most of the time.

Last weekend… James needed more care than Ianto thought possible. He'd asked, though, and gone out on a limb to see if Ianto was willing to do it. He didn't want to go to a professional, not this time, he said. He wanted Ianto's touch, Ianto's help. Ianto had given it, and afterwards, when James was back in Cardiff and Ianto still at home, they'd talked about it. They spent several hours talking about it, over the course of the week.

Ianto sighed, smile still firmly in place, when he thought of the relief in James's eyes when he agreed to James's request. He'd never think about leather in the same way again…

The enthusiastic ringing of the doorbell heralded James's arrival, interrupting his thoughts. "I've got it!" Ianto shouted to Steve as he turned off the hob and wiped his hands on a tea towel. He jogged across the flat to open the door for James, who wore blue jeans, a purple t-shirt, and a large smile.

"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" James asked in greeting, leaning forward for a kiss. Ianto kissed him gently, giving James's hair a quick ruffle. He reached for his greatcoat to help him out of it. "We're staying in?" James asked in confusion.

"I made dinner," Ianto answered, hanging the coat on its accustomed peg next to his. "I didn't want you to have to drive anymore. Get your bag. I'll have dinner on the table in a few minutes."

James's smile grew both wider and softer. He lifted a hand to stroke Ianto's cheek. "Thank you," he said softly. "Thank you for taking care of me. And I don't mean just tonight."

"I know. I try my best," Ianto replied. James held his face for another moment, his thumb caressing Ianto's cheek. Ianto felt a rush of pleasure at the intimate gesture. He leaned up for another kiss before pulling away. They had a guest in the house, after all, and he wasn't sure how comfortable he was kissing James in front of Thom after the conversation he just overheard, though he and Steve were watching a movie and couldn't see them in the entryway, even if they hadn't been. "Steve's got a new boyfriend, by the way, Thom. They're in the sitting room. Go get your bag," Ianto urged.

"Don't need to go anywhere," James declared, bending to pick up the carryall at his feet that Ianto hadn't noticed, too focused on James and getting his hello kiss. Ianto shook his head in amusement and turned back towards the kitchen. James followed.

"James Harper," James said in a sultry voice as he held out a hand to Thom, stopping in the sitting room to introduce himself. "And who are you?"

"Thom. Thom Rizzo."

"Stop it!" Ianto called from the kitchen, laughing.

"I was just saying hello!" James protested. He winked at Thom.

"I don't mind," Thom said, sounding a little dazed.

"But Steve might, you flirting with his boyfriend," Ianto said from the doorway. James gave him a quick once-over.

"Barefoot and in the kitchen!" James exclaimed when he noticed Ianto's bare feet. "Just how I like it. When are you going to marry me?"

"When you grow tits and a pussy," Ianto snapped, turning back to the kitchen so quickly he could pretend he didn't see the look of pain that crossed James's face like a bolt of lightning.

James looked between Thom and Steve. He gave them a self-deprecating smile, then plastered a fake grin on his face. "If that's all it takes, you should have told me sooner!" he shouted after Ianto, pitching his voice back to the standard flirtation rather than the over-enthusiastic one of a moment before. He moved towards the kitchen. "As it happens, I know a _really_ good doctor —"

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"You want to tell me what that was about earlier?" James asked as he pulled off his shirt. Ianto sat on his bed watching. James sounded annoyed.

Dinner had been strained, with neither of them talking much, and joining Thom and Steve to watch a movie had been a disaster from the start. James threw himself onto the couch next to Steve, leaving Ianto to sit on the chair by himself. After ten minutes, James got up and left for Ianto's room, fed up with the snarky comments Ianto sent in his direction. Ianto finished the movie in sullen silence and retreated to his room, knowing his bad mood had disrupted Steve's date and not caring overly much. He'd found James lying face down on his bed trying to do a crossword puzzle. He'd gotten up immediately and started undressing.

"What are you talking about?" Ianto asked, not sure he wanted to know the answer.

"That 'tits and pussy' comment," James said. "I've made that joke half a dozen times and you've never bitten my head off like that before."

"We were in front of a stranger!" Ianto protested. "You embarrassed me!"

"Well, you hurt me," James declared. "Do you have any idea how mean that sounded?"

"And what you said wasn't?" Ianto demanded. "You asked me to marry you! You know I'm not —"

"It was a joke!" James shouted. "It was a fucking _joke_! It didn't mean anything!"

"It wasn't funny!" Ianto shouted back.

"Last time I said it you laughed and told me to stop taking the piss!"

"_Last time_ you didn't say it in front of someone I met fifteen minutes earlier!" Ianto countered. "_Last time_ we'd just had sex!"

"So I can make jokes after sex but not when other people are around? What other rules are you going to throw at me? No more sex if Gary's in his room? No more kissing? No more flirting? Will I ever get to touch you again?" James demanded angrily.

"Why the fuck would you think that? Get in the damned bed already!" Ianto ordered, motioning.

James closed his eyes and deliberately took a few deep breaths to calm down. He dropped the shirt he'd been crumpling in his fists onto the laundry hamper and grabbed one of the pillows from the bed, managing not to touch Ianto as he reached around him. "I'll see you in the morning," he muttered, grabbing the door handle.

"Where are you going?" Ianto demanded, rising stop him.

"If you think I'm getting in bed with you after you treated me like that, you've got another thing coming," James snarled. "I'm sleeping on the couch. Don't come find me until you're ready to apologize." James pulled free of Ianto's hand on his arm and left, closing the door behind him. Ianto ripped it open and followed him.

"I'm sorry!"

"Not good enough, Ianto," James said, stopping them both. "I need a real apology. One where you've thought about what you said and why it hurt me. And not tonight." He took Ianto's chin in his hand and gave him a perfunctory kiss. "Goodnight."

Ianto watched as James gathered a spare blanket from the linen closet and made his way to the sofa where he threw down the pillow. He glanced back at Ianto and made a shooing motion. Reluctantly, Ianto returned to his bedroom.

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Ianto couldn't sleep. He kept going over the evening in his mind, trying to figure out where he'd misstepped. Obviously, the comment was the main thing, but was there something else? There had to be. Was it that he cooked instead of letting James take him out? No, James had been happy that Ianto cooked for him. He'd complimented the food and asked for a second helping, even though they'd barely been speaking. Was it meeting Thom? No, James loved meeting new people. Was it Ianto razzing him about flirting with Thom? No, they'd had that particular dialogue, almost word-for-word, many times.

Was it his tone of voice when he made the comment? It came out far harsher than it had sounded in his head. He'd been trying to make a joke, to respond to James's outrageous flirting with a teasing comment… only it hadn't sounded that way. It sounded like he was angry. (_Cruel, mean, insensitive_… his mind whispered in a voice that sounded like James's.) Like he was angry at James for not having tits and a pussy. Like that's what he wanted… Something James could never give him. Like children. They'd never be able to have children if they stayed together…

Did Ianto want kids? He'd never thought about it before. He'd always assumed he'd get married and have a few. But that assumed he'd marry a woman. And no matter how he looked at it, James wasn't a woman.

James was… a pit stop on the way to finding the right woman for him. Having drinks and dinner with Lisa last night confirmed that. He liked women, and was attracted to her. He wanted to be with a woman in the end. James _knew_ that. James _accepted_ that. James was someone to have fun with, to enjoy seeing, but not to get serious with. He didn't date men, full stop. And he definitely wouldn't _marry_ one!

Thom had asked Steve if James was his boyfriend. And Steve had said James would do whatever Ianto wanted. Implying, of course, that if Ianto wanted to date him, James would agree. Ianto analyzed that statement. Would James agree to date him, if Ianto ever got to that point? Yes. In a heartbeat. Would James want to be Ianto's boyfriend? Again, yes. In a heartbeat.

But Ianto didn't want that, would never want that, and James was ok with it. Wasn't he? He always said he was. He said Ianto could decide what they did, in terms of their quasi-relationship. He said he'd go at Ianto's pace. But was he only saying that because he thought he'd wear Ianto down until he agreed to date him? Was he only in this to get Ianto to be his boyfriend?

He couldn't believe that of James. He wasn't like that. He respected Ianto and his boundaries. Granted, he pushed them from time to time, but that was all right. He never pushed too far. Except tonight. Tonight, he went far past Ianto's comfort level by joking about marriage in front of a complete stranger. That was too much. And _he_ wanted _Ianto_ to apologize? No way!

Ianto sighed, rolling over. He hadn't told James about the date with Lisa. He hadn't told anyone. The guilt of not telling James gnawed at his stomach, but he couldn't tell him. Not after tonight and this strange fight. If one comment could hurt James enough to sleep on the couch, mentioning that he'd been on a date just yesterday would definitely upset him. He might even leave Ianto over it. Ianto couldn't imagine that, couldn't imagine a life without James still in it. And, yes, they weren't dating, weren't in a relationship, were able to date and sleep with whomever they wanted, but… Shit. What was he supposed to do?

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	16. Chapter 16: Giving a Sincere Apology

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 16: Giving a Sincere Apology**

Posted: 1 November, 2014

A/N: Please enjoy my latest chapter! There's been a lot of anger at Ianto... well-deserved. He has to do some growing up, and this chapter is the first step in that process. Not the last, however. It's a process, as so many things are, especially when dealing with sexuality and one's feelings about that.

Warnings for angst.

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"I, um, I might have to go to Cardiff on Friday," Ianto said hesitantly as he handed James a mug of coffee, hoping desperately that James would invite him to stay at his. James, looking rumpled and barely awake, like he'd barely slept, sat on one end of the sofa with the spare blanket still tucked around him. He'd obediently put on the t-shirt Ianto dropped in his lap when he'd walked through the sitting room to make coffee but hadn't greeted Ianto beyond a grunt. Nor had he kissed him good morning. Nor had he moved to be closer to Ianto when he sat at the far end of the sofa.

"Oh, yeah? Why?"

"My nephew's birthday. He's turning seven."

James nodded and took a careful sip of the hot coffee. He hadn't sounded interested in Ianto's answer; more like he was asking because he knew it was the polite thing to do. He also didn't sound like he was about to invite Ianto to his flat to spend the night. They sat in silence for a few minutes until Steve wandered in from his room. He took one look at them and turned around.

"Thom, looks like we're going out for breakfast," Ianto heard Steve say as he shut his door behind himself. "They're still rowing."

The silence continued as Steve and Thom took quick showers and left the flat. Ianto got up and went to the kitchen, needing to do something more than stare at James's hands as he held his mug, since he couldn't look him in the face. James, too, was staring at his hands, and not making any attempt at communication. It felt bad, but Ianto had no idea what to do about it, especially since James wasn't giving him any clues of how to start talking again or making the overture himself, like he usually did.

Ianto started rummaging in the fridge. Behind him, he heard James moving around. The shower started. Looking over his shoulder, he noticed that James had folded the blanket and put the pillow on top of it. He sighed sadly. He'd really fucked up, hadn't he? And now James wasn't speaking to him. He'd probably leave.

He felt anxiety building in his chest, making his heart race and his breath come in quick bursts. He couldn't let James leave like this. He couldn't bear it if this were the end. He had to do something, say something.

The first thing he needed to do was figure out how he'd hurt James so he could give a sincere apology. That much was clear. He sighed, rubbing his neck as he stood in front of the stove. What had James said last night?

_"Do you have any idea how mean that sounded?" _

Mean? Well, yes, he supposed it _had_ sounded mean. It sounded like he was angry at James. It sounded like he was responding to James's casual flirting/joking with venom.

James joked around. James flirted. That was just who he was. And he was right. He'd joked about Ianto marrying him before. Quite a number of times. Ianto usually brushed them off, telling himself it was just James being an arse. Thinking back, James hadn't sounded any different than he ever did. He hadn't made the joke sound any more serious than usual. He hadn't meant it. He wasn't asking Ianto to marry him.

But was he asking Ianto to date him?

Either way, it wasn't fair of Ianto to respond to a joke with such anger.

He thought about the expression on James's face that he'd been pretending he hadn't seen. For the briefest of moments, James looked like he was going to cry. He looked like his world had been shattered. He hadn't been expecting that level of anger from Ianto. Hadn't been expecting _any_…

Sure, they'd argued before, but it always had that good-natured edge. Well, most of the time. They bickered. They teased each other. They gave each other shit for their quirks and Ianto badgered James about his lack of consideration for cleanliness while James happily ignored him and made more of a mess just to wind him up. They had hot 'make-up' sex for those kinds of arguments.

And yet James could be remarkably considerate at times. No matter how tired he was, he almost always managed to give them a bit of a clean after sex, if Ianto didn't do it before he fell asleep. He always made sure Ianto was comfortable about their sex life. He always kissed Ianto goodbye when he left in the middle of the night, and texted to let him know he made it back to Cardiff safely.

So where was the same level of consideration from Ianto? He'd been deliberately mean last night. Plus, he hadn't mentioned Lisa or their date on Friday. He'd lied to James about it, said it was just him getting together with friends.

He sighed again. He might not be ready to tell James about Lisa when he didn't know what was happening there, but he could apologize for being hurtful. It was the least he could do.

There were eggs and toast on the table when James emerged from the bathroom fully-dressed. He took a look at Ianto's expression and sighed before he sat down at his place. They ate in a silence that became more and more awkward as the minutes passed. No change there, then. When they were finished, James rolled up his sleeves, gathered the dishes, and washed them. Ianto found a clean tea towel and dried them when James handed them over. James even washed the pan.

"I'm sorry," Ianto said softly when James picked up his his carryall. "I said something hurtful, and I'm sorry. Please don't go like this. Don't leave angry like this."

James blew out a deep breath and dropped his bag at his feet. "We should probably talk," he suggested. Ianto produced more coffee and they sat on the couch. "Why don't you walk me through your thoughts."

Ianto nodded and looked down at the mug he cradled in his hands. "You won't get mad?"

"I can't promise that when I have no idea what you're about to say," James answered. "I'm already mad."

"Are you just sleeping with me to wear me down to agree to date you?" Ianto blurted.

James drew in a sharp breath. "Wow. That is _not_ what I expected." He laughed nervously.

"What did you expect?" Ianto demanded, looking up.

"I thought you'd take me to task for embarrassing you last night. I mean, how was I to know you'd never met Thom before? How was I to know something you'd been ok with half a dozen times before would get you mad this time?"

"It was something Steve said," Ianto began.

James sat up straighter, his eyes widening. "Steve again!" he exclaimed, looking angry. Ianto reached out and put a hand on his arm.

"He didn't say anything to me. In fact, it was more what Thom said than Steve." He rubbed James's forearm. "Let me explain, ok? Before you jump to conclusions."

James sat back. "Fine," he grumbled. He crossed his arms over his chest.

"I wasn't in the room, but I heard everything. Thom asked if you were my boyfriend," Ianto said after a moment to collect his thoughts. "Steve said you weren't. That we're just friends-with-benefits, or fuck-buddies. Thom didn't believe him."

"When was this?" James asked.

"Right before you got here. Steve was surprised to see me at home. He asked about you. I guess the way we talked gave Thom that impression. Anyway, Steve was defending you, and what we are to each other, saying we didn't label it. But Thom didn't believe him. He kept insisting that we had to be dating if you were here every weekend. It felt like he was doing that, anyway." He paused. "He accused me of being gay," he said softly.

"We've been over _that_ a hundred times," James muttered.

"I know, right? Steve corrected him. But Thom kept trying to get Steve to tell him what you thought, that you had to be in this for more than sex. Like, you were having sex with me so I'd date you."

"Ah, back to other people projecting what they want onto our relationship," James murmured, stroking his chin. "And it was right before I got here, so you were a little keyed up, a little on edge, right?"

"Right. But last night, when you wouldn't sleep with me, I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking, what if Thom was right? What if you wanted to date me? What if that's what this was about?"

James sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. "We've been over this," he said, sounding extremely exasperated. "I want whatever you want. I don't want to pressure you into anything. I don't need labels. I like what we have as it is."

"In the middle of the night, when you're out here and I'm alone in there, it's hard to believe it," Ianto whispered.

"In the middle of the night, when I'm out here and you're in there, it's hard to keep from worrying you're ending things for something about myself I can't control," James said in answer. "And being hurt. You hurt me."

"I'm sorry. I — I didn't mean that I want you to be a woman. I didn't expect it to sound as bad as it did. I'm —" He paused again, looked away, stared at a spot on the floor. "I'm not gay. I don't want to date a man."

"And I don't care what you are!" James exclaimed. "I don't care how you identify or what you want to call this!" He reached over and covered Ianto's hand with his. "I know you don't want to date men. I know you don't want to date me. I've accepted that. I'm ok with that."

"Would you date me, if I asked?" Ianto asked after a moment.

James took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he considered his answer. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately, choosing his words. He wouldn't meet Ianto's eyes as he answered. "I think you know the answer." Silence stretched between them yet again. James let his hand drag across Ianto's as he stood. "I should go."

"What? Why?"

"Because if you can't accept what I'm offering, the way I'm offering it, this won't work. I'm being more than flexible, here."

"What are you offering? Spell it out, 'cause I'm _really_ confused."

"Friendship. Sex. Companionship. Someone to call when you've had a bad day. Someone to have in your corner when things get difficult."

"I _do_ accept those things!" Ianto shouted, getting to his feet.

"Then stop worrying about me wanting to date you!" James shouted back. "I don't, ok? Get it through your thick Welsh head already!"

Ianto froze. It felt like one of those movies where time stopped, where everything but the protagonist was in black and white, where you knew something big was about to happen and you _really_ didn't want to see it because it would be horrible. The background shattered around him as James's words reached his conscious brain.

Ianto felt his face fall, not knowing why. He was getting the answer he wanted. He was hearing that James didn't want to date him. Why was he so sad all of a sudden?

"Oh, darling, darling, I'm sorry," James said, moving forward to pull Ianto into a fierce hug. "I didn't mean for that to come out like that. I'm sorry."

Ianto clung to him and sobbed. "I don't know what's wrong. I don't know why I'm crying," he choked out. James held him tighter, one hand on the back of his head as he pressed Ianto's face to his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," James said again, his voice catching. "I didn't mean it. I was just frustrated. Please believe me!" Ianto sniffled, rubbing his eyes on James's shirt. He raised his head, surprised to see that James had tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, too," he said. "I don't want to hurt you."

"I know. Believe me, I know." James gave Ianto a watery smile. "I —" He broke off, squeezing his eyes closed. Tears trickled down his cheeks. "I —" He tried again, but stopped himself. "I don't want to hurt you, either."

James opened his eyes, and the depth of emotion in them startled Ianto. James cared about him. _Really_ cared about him.

Of course he did. And Ianto cared about him, too.

In the end, that's what mattered most.

Ianto didn't know who kissed who, but they were kissing, and crying, and falling onto the sofa. Clothes disappeared as the kissing got more intense. James managed to produce a condom and lube sample from his trouser pocket, and things took off from there. Ianto fell asleep curled naked under the blanket with James, not waking up until Steve arrived home at two, exclaiming in horror that they'd fucked on the sofa and not even bothered to clean up after themselves, make-up sex or no.

Ianto pulled on a pair of boxers and dashed to the bathroom, starting the shower immediately, too embarrassed to face either one of them. James sighed and sat up, glancing over at Steve.

"All right?" he asked.

"All right," Steve responded. "You two make up, or something?"

"After a fashion. He's so damned temperamental all of a sudden. I don't know what happened."

Steve picked up one of the t-shirts from the floor and handed it to James, who put it on. He sat on an unoccupied bit of sofa while James found his boxers on the floor.

"He probably overheard some of what me and Thom were talking about last night," Steve offered. "Thom's pretty rigid when it comes to thinking about sexuality. He likes to label everything and everyone."

James grunted. "And Ianto can't deal with labels of any kind. He told me about the conversation. Sorry about last night, by the way. I didn't mean to mess up your date."

"Why are you apologizing? The way we saw it, you're the wronged party. Besides, you left pretty quickly. It was Ianto who stayed and ruined the movie for us."

"I'm still sorry. It can't be easy, with us having a row when you're just starting to date someone."

"We'll deal."

"You like him?" James asked, tossing off the blanket and gathering the clothing from the floor.

"Yeah, so far. He's the guy I went home with after that thing at the club."

"Ah."

"Things aren't weird between us, are they?" Steve asked hurriedly.

"You and me? Not at all. A little snogging, a little groping between friends? Who cares? I certainly don't. Not even when I'm in a monogamous relationship, unless who I'm with cares."

"Ianto might…"

"It's fine. He's able to rationalize away just about everything that he doesn't want to deal with."

"Like the fact that you're here _every_ weekend having what sounds like excellent sex for _hours_ at a time and doing everything people dating each other do?"

James smirked. "It's _fantastic _sex," he purred.

Gary chose that moment to come home, walking into the sitting room with a small carryall over his shoulder. He sniffed the air.

"You fucking didn't?" he demanded. "In _here_?"

"Not us!" Steve said, holding up his hands. "James and Ianto —"

"I didn't think it was _you_," Gary interrupted.

"Ianto will clean it," James said, balling up the pile of clothes. "Penance for ruining Steve's date with our fight," he added.

"You had a date? Was it that Thom guy?" he asked Steve. "You had a fight?" he asked James before Steve could do more than nod.

"Ask Steve," James responded. "I want it in the past." He added the blanket and Ianto's pillow to the pile in his arms. "Fair warning, though: Ianto's mood is a bit touch and go. Got snappy with me, which started the whole thing."

"Huh, you think he's starting to come to terms with —"

"No labels!" James snarled. "And I'd prefer if you didn't use the 'r' word, either."

"Come on, he's got to grow up at some point," Gary pointed out.

"Won't be today," Steve muttered.

"I want him to come to it on his own," James said firmly. "Until then, don't talk about it. Please!"

Gary rolled his eyes. "Fine, but I think you're making a mistake. He'll just keep stringing you along."

"It's my mistake to make," James retorted. In the background, the shower stopped. "And that's my cue," he added, leaving them to return to Ianto's bedroom to be ready for his own shower when Ianto finished in the bathroom.

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"Rhi? I'll take the train down to Cardiff on Friday," Ianto told his sister Monday evening.

_"Great! I'll send Johnny with the car to pick you up." _

Ianto sighed. "Thanks. I'll text you with the schedule. See you then."

He hung up. After a few minutes he sighed again and called James. "I made my plans to go to Cardiff on Friday," he explained. "I'll stay at my sister's on Friday night, but…" He trailed off, hoping, yet again, for the invite to stay with James.

_"My place is still under construction,"_ James said, bringing Ianto's mood down. He was disappointed, but what could he do? _"Could we do dinner on Saturday night? I know a real nice place on the Bay…"_

"Should I bring a tie?" Ianto asked, trying to dispel the disappointment by thinking about getting to see James in Cardiff as an adventure, even if it wouldn't involve more than dinner.

_"Probably. I'll make sure we have a place to stay for the night. Will you go back to London on Sunday?" _

"I'll have to, to get to work Monday."

_"True, true." _

"Can't I just see your place?" Ianto blurted. "I know we couldn't stay there, but…"

_"I can't make any promises," _James answered. _"I'm sorry." _

"Say hi to the wife for me," Ianto muttered under his breath.

_"What did you say?" _

"Nothing. I should go buy my train tickets."

_"All right. We'll talk tomorrow?" _

Ianto smiled. "Yeah."

After checking the train schedule and buying his ticket, Ianto texted his sister when he'd be at the station. He stared at his phone for a minute before going through his contacts. He dialed.

"Lisa? It turns out I can't do Friday, but what about Thursday night?"

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tbc in Chapter 17: Ianto in Cardiff, Part 1: Friday Night


	17. Chapter 17: Ianto in Cardiff, pt 1

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 17: Ianto in Cardiff, Part 1: Friday Night**

Posted: 2 November, 2014

A/N: Here's a bonus chapter, just because. Enjoy!

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Ianto was never quite sure what to say to his brother-in-law, Johnny. And as much as he loved his sister, and appreciated how she'd tried to help raise him after their mother died, when their father turned to alcohol, he didn't know what to say to her, either. And his niece and nephew? They were the only children he knew, and they saw each other so infrequently that he knew how to interact with them even less.

He sighed. He'd left the house after dinner to have a chance to clear his head. Everything felt overwhelming and confusing lately, and he'd wanted something different than one of Owen's anxiety pills. Beer seemed to be the answer, though he'd only had two at the pub before he decided to take an extended walk back to his sister's, a bottle in his jacket pocket in case he wanted a third.

James was on his mind more than usual this week, perhaps because of their fight last weekend. They'd talked every day except yesterday, though Ianto had texted him when he got home from his date with Lisa. The date went well enough, he supposed, but it just added to the confusion. They'd had a lovely time. Drinks, dinner, back to hers. They watched a movie on her couch and started making out halfway though. It felt good to kiss her. Everything was going well until she asked, in her bold way, if she could give him a blow job. He'd frozen, shocked by her audacity. But that wasn't all. He was shocked, yes, but a small part of him felt that something was off. He wasn't sure what, but it didn't seem like the right decision to deepen their physical intimacy that way. Looking back on it, he wondered if his reticence had something to do with James.

He and James had been sucking each other off for months. They'd been having sex for months. The thought of Lisa doing that to him, or anyone but James doing that to him, felt just plain _wrong_. It didn't make any sense.

He'd declined her offer. She hadn't seemed upset, a little startled, perhaps, but not upset. He guessed that there weren't many men who had refused a blow job in her life, and he felt slightly embarrassed to be the first. But if he'd learned one thing from James, it was that sex aught to feel good and comfortable, and the thought of her doing that simply made him squirm uncomfortably. They'd talked about it a little, and he shared that he didn't usually go that quickly with the girls he dated, which was true, that he wanted to get to know her a little better first. So they'd talked for another few hours, until he left after some more kissing. That, at least, felt comfortable and fine.

Ianto thought about this as he walked along a shadowed park lane at ten o'clock at night, empty beer in his hand. He never thought he'd be the kind of man who refused a blow job from a beautiful woman, but he'd also never thought he'd have sex with another man, and he'd been doing quite a lot of that lately. And now, being in Cardiff where James lived, well, he really wanted to see the man! They'd spoken briefly when he was on the train earlier, but something came up with James's work and he'd begged off. Ianto hoped they'd actually get to see each other for dinner tomorrow. Maybe seeing James would help him understand what was going on with Lisa. Maybe he should talk to James about it?

The thought of telling James about Lisa made his stomach twist with some of the worst anxiety he'd ever experienced. It was going to be bad, telling James, and he had no way to do it that would sound even halfway ok. He liked women, wanted to date a woman, and James wasn't a woman. But they'd been having sex for months, and not telling him that he was dating someone could be seen as a betrayal. Or, at the very least, dishonesty.

He idly swung his bottle, tapping it against his leg as he moved. He let the dull pain of the hits calm the anxiety. He didn't want to be dishonest, but he didn't want to lose James, either. He needed James…

No. Don't think like that! He wanted James. He wanted the sex. That was it! That James had become his best friend, closest confidant and the biggest source of emotional support Ianto had didn't factor into it. They were just friends…

Up ahead of him, he spotted someone hunched over. It looked like they were about to be sick.

"Hey, you need a hand?" he asked, jogging over. The face that looked up at him froze Ianto in terror. The snarling visage couldn't possibly be human, with wrinkled skin, beady eyes, and more teeth than he could count. It bared its fangs and him and growled.

A weevil. Ianto was looking at a real, live weevil. An alien! For all that he'd been working at Torchwood for three months, he'd never met an alien before. He decided he didn't want to meet this one. Weren't there prettier ones out there?

"Incoming!" a familiar American voice shouted behind him, pounding footsteps telling Ianto that James was running. "Owen, take care of the civilian!"

James? What was he doing in a park in the middle of the night? Didn't he have a lab to watch? Experiments?

James barreled past him, greatcoat flapping in the wind of his haste. He crashed into the creature, knocking them both to the ground. Ianto took a hesitant step back. James got to his feet, producing handcuffs of some kind from a coat pocket. The creature, also on its feet, growled again.

"No need to be like that," James said in his casual flirtatious voice. "There's more than enough of me to go around," he added, dancing between Ianto and the hostile alien, keeping himself always between then, his back to Ianto. Ianto marveled at his skill, at his sleek movements. It looked like he'd been born to do this. "Now are you going to come quietly, or —"

The creature lunged at James, claws raking down his sleeve. James gave a grunt of pain and bounced away. "You want to play it like that, huh? Well, I hate to break it to you, but I don't have time for games. You see, I should be in bed with a gorgeous Welshman right about now," he continued. "I had it all planned out. I was going to surprise him, show up at his sister's and take the whole family out, take him back to mine, but _no_, you had to get out and lead me on a wild goose chase all across town, didn't you?"

Behind him, Ianto heard a car screech to a stop. A door slammed. Distracted, Ianto turned, his eyes landing on the large black Land Rover with _Torchwood_ etched on the sides. The weevil, also distracted by the noise and the new man coming towards them, feigned right, then ran around James to the left, coming directly at Ianto. A gunshot, and Ianto twirled to see James brandishing a distinctive WWII Webley, right before a small, wiry man knocked Ianto to the ground. The weevil ran.

"Tag, you're it," James called playfully, taking off after the alien.

Ianto managed to get to a sitting position as the man on top of him crawled to his feet. He looked up and met the man's brown eyes.

"Oh, shit," the man blurted. He reached out and pressed a device on his ear. "Jack, we've got a big problem over here."

_"Not as big as the one I'm dealing with," _James said, Ianto just able to hear his voice through the man's earpiece.

"No, I mean, you _need_ to get back here," the man insisted.

_"If you can't deal with a single civilian —" _James's voice cut off in a cry of pain and surprise.

Without thinking, Ianto scrambled to his feet and ran in the direction James and the Weevil had gone. He ignored the man behind him shouting at him to stop, not noticing that he knew his name. He had more important things to deal with, like protecting James from an alien and figuring out how he knew about Torchwood.

He caught up to them in a small clearing. James struggled to keep the alien from biting his neck, but he was losing the battle. Just as it sunk its teeth in, Ianto hit it over the head with the the closest weapon to hand, the beer bottle he'd somehow managed to hold on to. The weevil turned on him. He tried to back up, but the thing was on him instantly, shoving him against a tree, claws biting into his arms. His head cracked against the trunk. Before he could pass out, faint, or piss himself, James pulled the alien from him, dragging it away and to the ground. Within thirty seconds James had the alien subdued; strange spray all over its face, hands cuffed together, black hood over its head. He turned to Ianto and gave him one of his plastic grins, climbing to his feet.

"Captain Jack Harkness," he introduced himself, extending a hand to Ianto, who stood in the dark next to the tree catching his breath. "And who are you?"

Ianto felt a stab of pain in his chest. It was the exact same phrase he'd heard James use last weekend when meeting Steve's boyfriend. He said it the way he always said it, flirty and confident. Could this really be his James? Ianto stepped forward into the light. James's flirty smile froze on his face. Looked like James, sounded like James. They stared at each other in shock for a moment. The wind blew the scent of James's distinctive aftershave into Ianto's nose.

"You, um, you were bleeding," Ianto said, stepping forward to touch James's neck. James backed away.

"I've had worse from shaving," James said in such a blatantly uncomfortable voice that Ianto felt sad for him. "Are you ok?" he asked.

Ianto shrugged. "Slight loss of dignity. No change there, really." He glanced down at the hooded form on the ground. "Looked like a weevil to me," he said, deciding to test the waters. Clearly, James knew what a weevil was, if he was out chasing one in the middle of the night. Clearly, they needed to have a conversation, if James introduced himself as _Captain Jack Harkness_ before he knew he was talking to Ianto. _Captain Jack Harkness, leader of Torchwood Three. _

"I have no idea what you're talking about," James blurted far too quickly to make it an even halfway believable lie.

The man from before jogged up, bag over his shoulder.

"Jack?" he asked. "Usual procedures?"

James looked sharply over. "I'll deal with it," he barked. "You take care of our friend here." His eyes found Ianto again. "Come on," he said, motioning to Ianto to follow him. Obediently, Ianto did.

James stopped when they were far enough away that they wouldn't be overheard. "Ianto," he said softly.

"James," Ianto replied. "Or should I be calling you Jack?"

"It's — It's Jack," Jack said. "I wouldn't have wanted you to find out this way."

"Would you have wanted me to find out at all?"

"Well, not really," Jack admitted. He rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "I like myself better when I'm James."

"Weevils, huh?" Ianto mused, sitting on an convenient bench, deciding to wait on the name issue. Jack threw himself down next to him.

"You know about weevils?"

"Come on, this is Cardiff! Weevils are a dime a dozen. Everyone knows about them." Even though Ianto had never heard of or seen a picture of a 'weevil' until he started at Torchwood London, his statement was true enough from what he gathered. Most people in Cardiff had seen the 'teenagers in Halloween masks' at one point or another. He wondered if he should tell Jack he worked for Torchwood, because even though he knew the rumors that Captain Harkness hated everyone at Torchwood London, he figured Jack would make an exception for him. Then he thought about the _other_ rumors, the ones that said Jack would sleep with anyone…

"You're bleeding!" Jack exclaimed. He pressed the comm unit in his ear. "Owen, get over here! Ianto's bleeding!"

"I'm fine," Ianto protested.

"And who made you a doctor?" Owen asked, running up to them. He pulled on a pair of latex gloves and examined Ianto's head. Ianto hissed when he pressed on a particularly sore spot. "How'd you hit your head?"

"Weevil banged me into a tree," Ianto answered.

"You know what a weevil is?"

Ianto rolled his eyes.

"Woah! Don't to that!" Owen exclaimed. "I've still gotta examine you." Ianto sighed and sat through the basic exam that included a penlight being shone into his eyes, pulse and blood pressure checks, being scanned by some device which looked _alien_, and eventually being asked his name, birthday, and various other questions that Ianto remembered from his youth when the doctors were trying to figure out how bad his mother's psychosis was.

"Ianto Jones, August 19, 1983." Owen glanced at Jack for confirmation, who nodded. "Friday, 23 September, around 10:30pm, I'd guess."

Owen pulled off his gloves and took some quick notes. He rummaged in his kit and handed Ianto a bottle of water. "Here, you'll want fluids for when the adrenaline crash hits," he said. "I'd give you a biscuit, but we're all out."

Ianto twisted the cap, half-expecting the bottle to be open already. Torchwood London routinely drugged witnesses so that they wouldn't remember things, and he couldn't help but wonder if Jack would do the same. Owen had asked if they were doing their 'usual procedures,' after all. The seal cracked. Ianto swallowed half the bottle, suddenly thirsty and no longer worried about drugs if the bottle hadn't been tampered with. Owen pulled a blister pack of white pills out of his bag, which Jack immediately snatched from his hands.

"He doesn't need that!" Jack snarled, confirming Ianto's suspicion that 'usual procedures' involved drugs and making him forget what he'd seen.

Owen raised a sardonic eyebrow. "Paracetamol? Really? He's going to have a bloody horrible headache, otherwise."

Ianto watched as Jack turned over the blister pack to see the standard paracetamol markings. Jack frowned, but handed it back to Owen, who popped out two pills and handed them to Ianto. He swallowed them with the last of the water.

"You recognized me," Ianto commented to Owen.

"Yeah, well, Jack's got a picture of you on his desk. Of course I'm going to recognize you. The man who domesticated Jack Harkness. That's quite a feat." Owen gathered up his things and walked away, telling Jack he'd be back in a few minutes after he finished dealing with their 'friend.'

Jack's fingers on Ianto's cheek startled him out of staring after Owen, thinking about the fact that Jack had a picture of him on his desk, where his staff could all see it. His insides felt strangely warm at the thought. "Are you really ok?" Jack asked, moving to caress Ianto's ear, his neck.

"I'll be better once you kiss me," Ianto answered with a sly grin. Jack smiled back and leaned over. It was a gentle kiss. A lovely kiss. Slightly romantic, given that they were seated in a park, under a lamp, kissing in the middle of the night.

"Is your name really Jack Harkness?" Ianto asked after a few minutes of slow, sensual kissing. His hands were in Jack's hair, tugging gently the way James liked. One of Jack's hands had insinuated itself under his jumper to caress his back, while the other held his waist.

"Yes."

"Are you a spy?"

"No, but I work for the government. Sort of."

"Torchwood," Ianto stated, thinking of the flashy SUV.

"I lead the branch in Cardiff," Jack admitted. "That's why I get called away so much. We're a small team, and I have a lot of knowledge and expertise the others don't have." He paused. "I can tell you about it," he added. "I mean, you'd have to sign the OSA, but that's ok, right?"

"Were you really going to bring me to your flat tonight?" Ianto asked, hoping.

Jack smiled, one of his soft, genuine smiles that Ianto loved. "I was. I could still, if you want to come by. Would your sister miss you?"

"I'll tell her I ran into a mate at the pub," Ianto said with a yawn. "I can —" he yawned again, swaying slightly. "Sorry. I can —"

"Hey, don't go falling asleep on me," Jack said, grabbing onto Ianto's shoulders to keep him upright. "I have so much to show you, so much to tell you now that you know who I —"

Ianto felt his eyes closing, felt himself drifting on the edge of consciousness. In the background, he heard Owen's footsteps, felt Jack holding him, lowering him so that his head rested on Jack's lap.

"Let him go, Jack. It's the retcon taking effect," Owen said.

"What? I thought you gave him paracetamol!"

"I did. The retcon was in the water."

"Why?"

"Because you're too close to this. You wouldn't have been able to do it, and protocol says he needs to forget. Besides, if he ever breaks it, he'll blame me instead of you." Ianto felt like he was drifting, their voices coming as if from a far distance. "I checked in with Tosh. She says he's just who he says he is. Random guy who knows what a weevil is because he's spent most of his life in and around Cardiff. She ran his profile through Mainframe again, even though you had her do it back in May."

"And she's _sure_ he doesn't work for London?"

"No. Interviewed with them in early May, but washed out the first round. They retconned him and sent him on his way. Nothing's changed there. They didn't suddenly hire him."

"Oh, I kinda hoped —"

"Don't go there, Jack. You'd be devastated if something happened to him working for them."

Jack gave a resigned sigh. "Yeah. You're right."

"Look on the bright side," Owen said. "This way you can keep being James with him."

"Good point," Jack replied without much enthusiasm. "I'd have liked to tell him what I really do. I think he would have been able to handle it."

"You've got to give up on that idea unless you're going to hire him, Jack," Owen protested. "And you'd be a mess with him working for you. You'd be too worried about him to send him into the field, and God only knows we'd need any new hires out here."

Jack sighed, not saying anything for a moment, his fingers moving through Ianto's hair.

"If he were Katie, what would you do?" Jack asked in a low whisper.

Owen started. "I'd tell you to mind your own fucking business," he barked. "Seriously, though, it's better for Ianto not to know anything about this. He'll be happier. Safer. And you can be this James bloke you've always wanted to be."

"Sometimes I just want him to call me by my name," Jack murmured. "But that would bring out too many questions. I've been lying to him this whole time. Why would he want to speak to me after learning that?"

"I don't have all the answers, but for now, we've got to get him home, and we sure as hell can't bring him in the SUV."

"Get your car. I don't want his sister to see me yet."

"No?"

"I have an idea…"

James leaned over and kissed Ianto's forehead. Ianto felt himself smile. The fuzziness around the edges of his mind was getting worse. He could no longer understand what they were saying, though he heard the buzz of their voices. His body relaxed into sleep.

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tbc in Chapter 18: Ianto in Cardiff, Part 2: Saturday


	18. Chapter 18: Ianto in Cardiff, pt 2

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 18: Ianto in Cardiff, Part 2: Saturday**

Posted 8 November, 2014

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Ianto woke to the sound of his niece and nephew running up and down the hall outside the guest room shrieking in delight. They were all going to the zoo today for David's birthday, and it had been the talk of dinner last night, when they hadn't been planning the party for next week or listening to Johnny complain about his job. Ianto crawled out of bed and rubbed his back. The bed wasn't as comfortable as his, and his back hurt slightly. So did his head, come to think of it. He rubbed it, finding a large knot on the back. How did he get that? And there was a small cut on his temple, right under his hairline. Hmm…

He thought back to the night before, but he couldn't remember anything past leaving his sister's house for a walk down to the local and back. Had he gone to the pub and gotten into a fight? Why didn't he remember?

"How are you, then?" Rhiannon asked when he entered the kitchen. The kids were still upstairs, Mica arguing with her father about what to wear. She wanted a pink dress. He wanted her in trousers for all the walking at the zoo.

"Been better," he answered. "I'll put on coffee?" he suggested.

"You don't remember, do you?"

Ianto looked up from the coffee machine he was cleaning.

"Your friend, Scott, he brought you back here," she explained.

"Scott? Don't think I know anyone named Scott."

"Short wiry guy from London. He said he dated someone in your circle in university, but he's a bit older so you didn't spend all that much time together back then. Ran into you last night, bought you a drink 'cause you hadn't seen each other in years. Said you'd barely had any of your pint before a fight broke out at the pub. You both got caught up in it, but he dragged you out when someone hit you on the head, he said."

"I don't remember any of it," Ianto admitted. "Must have hit my head pretty hard."

"You're up for going to the zoo, though?"

Ianto smiled and sat at the table, steaming mug of coffee in his hands. "Of course."

"What are your plans, after? Are you staying another night, or do you have to go back to London?"

Ianto paused, sipping his coffee to avoid answering immediately. "I have plans with a friend," he said after a moment. "Dinner. Might go late, so I was thinking I'd crash at his." _Or a hotel, if James's flat isn't finished yet,_ he added silently to himself, thinking of how evasive James had been about it when they'd last spoken about his flat. Rhiannon didn't need to know that.

"Someone I know?"

"No, just a friend I met in London. Lives here, now, so I don't get to see him often enough." _Every day wouldn't be often enough, _his traitorous mind whispered. He tried to squash the uncomfortable warmth that thought brought to his chest. Did he really want to see James every day? Definitely more often. He was sure of that. But every day? _Every day and every night,_ his heart informed him. _As long as he'll have me. _

"And?"

Ianto looked away, discomfited by the feelings and her curiosity.

Rhiannon sighed and turned to put some bread in the toaster when he didn't elaborate. "You never tell me anything these days," she complained.

"Now, Rhi —"

"No, I get it. You're off in London, living your life. Not much use for your sister, is there? Ran off so quick after Dad died, I thought I'd done something wrong. I didn't, did I?" She sat down across from him abruptly. He noticed the tightness around her eyes, how it hadn't been there the moment before. "Did I?" she asked again, reaching for his hand.

"No!" he hurried to reassure her. "No, it's just… work. It's complicated. And, well, there's someone I've been spending time with…" He trailed off, seeing her eyes widen at the admission. What had he done? He couldn't tell her about James! One didn't talk to one's sister about one's fuck buddy, did one? No.

But James was… special. His best friend… maybe he could —

No! Mentioning James would open a can of worms he wasn't ready to deal with. Especially when she thought she had a mystery to solve. She would just keep sniffing around until she figured it out. It was how she'd found out he was having sex, back when he was a teen. Her friend Susan (who now lived around the corner from Rhiannon) caught him with his pants down while Nancy Burns sucked him off.

"Oh?" she asked, curiosity peaked anyway. He groaned. There wasn't a good way to deal with this, was there? "Who is she?"

"Lisa," he blurted, taking the gift of the female pronoun. "But we've only been out twice. I don't know what it is, yet, so I'm not broadcasting it."

Rhiannon's smile looked huge and happy on her face. Her eyes lost the pinched look. "Well, why didn't you say something sooner?" she demanded playfully. "You had me worried, you did! Not dating, he said. Just being coy, is it? She's nice, though, is she?"

He nodded, feeling a blush stain his cheeks. He wasn't sure if it was embarrassment at her reaction or shame at not having mentioned James. He'd been spending most of his free times with _James_, not Lisa, though they'd been on a second date on Thursday. Two dates already and one more being planned… that was dating, wasn't it? So, he'd practically lied to his sister. She didn't deserve that, but what could he say? He wasn't gay. He wasn't interested in men. James was… a friend. Just a friend. With some added benefits thrown in.

Ianto's mobile rang, the ringtone _Moonlight Serenade _telling him exactly who was calling. He and James had argued at length about what would be acceptable following the incident last week, and Ianto had finally caved and allowed James to program his favorite song as his ringtone. When he wasn't with his sister, Ianto had to admit he rather liked it, since it reminded him of James. But now… far too romantic for him to be comfortable with.

James's ears must have been burning, to call right when Ianto was thinking of him.

"James. Hey," he answered. Rhiannon got up and started putting together sandwiches to take to the zoo after handing him the toast. He spread jam on it as he propped the phone on his shoulder. With his face turned down to tend to his toast, he missed the suspicious narrowing of her eyes as she watched him for a moment, noting the soft, happy smile on his lips and the casual contentment of how he answered the phone.

_"Hey, darling, how's the family?" _James asked in his usual loud, exuberant way. _"Will I get to meet them tonight, or is it going to be just the two of us?" _

Ianto's blush shifted to pure embarrassment. James's voice was loud enough that he was sure Rhiannon heard every word. He glanced over and saw her back, but he could tell by her posture that she was pretending not to listen. God, and James had just called him darling… and his ringtone… "Um, just us, I think," Ianto said quickly, his anxiety making him talk faster than usual. "But we're good here. Going to the zoo in a few, actually."

_"Oh, where the wild things are," _James said. _"You know how well I do with wild things," _he added in a flirtatious purr. _"Especially —" _

"Yes, well, right. Enough of that. I'll see you later, yeah? What time?"

_"You're sure you don't want me to tag along? I'm great with kids," _James continued as if Ianto hadn't already implied a veto of James joining them. _"And sisters, though I don't have any of my own. Hmm, I'll have to work on that," _he mused, trailing into one of his nearly nonsensical ramblings. _"But how does one get a sister these days? Do I adopt? Can one adopt a sister? How does it —" _

Ianto laughed, unable to help himself. "Stop it," he interrupted teasingly. He loved it when James rambled, when he could laugh with him and tease him about it. He felt himself relaxing, just hearing James be himself. "You're not coming. It's my nephew's birthday."

_"Doesn't mean I can't come. I love animals, too. I'll be good. I promise. You'd barely notice me!" _

In the corner of his vision, Rhiannon waved to get his attention. 'Bring him,' she mouthed. Ianto shook his head. Rhiannon put her hands on her hips. 'Bring him,' she repeated, more forcefully, gesturing. Ianto sighed and rubbed his forehead. What was she thinking to invite James? What was he thinking to agree?

He was thinking that he didn't want to go a full two weeks without seeing James more than a single night… and even if they wouldn't be able to do more than have dinner and sex that night, a few extra hours in James's presence would feel good… even if his sister and her family were around and they wouldn't be able to touch each other or flirt. He missed James when they didn't see each other, he admitted to himself, and it would be interesting to see how he responded to Ianto's family.

"Fine. Come. Rhi says to invite you," he said, deciding to put the responsibility of the invite on his sister. That way he could blame it on her if anything went wrong. Not that he thought anything would… He had a feeling James would be able to rise to the occasion and behave himself, if given the proper motivation. Shit, now he had to think of an appropriate motivation.

_"I'll have to thank her for talking sense into you," _James responded with a chuckle. Ianto reluctantly gave him the address.

"There are some rules," Ianto said, standing up and walking out of the kitchen, abandoning his toast. He didn't want Rhiannon to hear the rules, let alone question him about why they were necessary. "No flirting with my sister."

_"You give and take with each hand," _James protested. _"Where's the fun if I can't flirt with your sister?" _

"No flirting with my brother-in-law," Ianto continued. James sighed. "And no flirting with —"

_"You. I get it. I'll be on my best behavior. Sat Nav says I'll be there in 25 minutes, so make it thirty while I change."_

"See you," Ianto said, but James had already hung up.

"Who's this, then?" Rhiannon asked, walking up, dishtowel in her hands. Her voice was full of, in Ianto's opinion, an unhealthy amount of curiosity.

"A friend. James."

"Is this the same bloke you were going to see tonight? He could stay for dinner."

"Yeah, same person," Ianto admitted. "You might not want him to stay, meeting him." _And I might not want him to stay, spending more time with you,_ he added silently. _There's no telling what mischief you two could get up to. _

"Let me be the judge of that, little brother," she said with a laugh. "He's a flirt?"

Ianto felt his mouth hanging open in surprise. "What?"

"Well, I heard you telling him not to flirt with me. Maybe I want him to flirt with me. Good looking, is he?"

"He's — he's very handsome," Ianto said after a long pause. "And he knows it, so he can be a bit insufferable."

"When's he coming?"

Ianto glanced at his watch. "He'll be here in thirty minutes. Shit! I have to shower!" He dashed upstairs.

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Rhiannon Davies had never seen her brother so excited to see a friend in his entire life. He primped like he was getting ready to see a girlfriend. He muttered anxiously like he did before an exam in school. If he had more time, she was sure he'd start cleaning her kitchen or tidying up the kids' toys in the sitting room. As it was, she was at the window (on purpose) when the midnight blue Jaguar convertible pulled up in front of her house and a devastatingly gorgeous man got out. Wearing aviator sunglasses, a black leather jacket and a sky blue polo shirt over dark jeans, he was more than Ianto's description of 'very handsome.' More like a model or film star, she thought. Or an escort, the dirty part of her mind whispered before she could stop herself from speculating. Only he hadn't sounded like that when he was talking to Ianto… he'd sounded… _close_ to her brother. she'd have to wait and see what was really going on.

"Ianto! Your friend's here," she called over her shoulder, watching him take the stairs two at a time as he finished buttoning his deep red shirt. She'd never seen him wear such a bold color, nor had she seen him style his hair the way he did this morning.

Ianto looked out the window.

James waved at someone. Barrett, the sixteen-year-old who lived next door, jogged over to him. They had a brief conversation, then James handed the boy some cash.

"What's he doing?" Ianto asked, straightening his collar.

"Paying off the boys so they won't touch his car," Johnny said, coming up behind them. "Ten quid, I'd hope, otherwise it'd be for nothing. Those boys can get greedy! For all that flash, he's been around the estates, he has." He scratched his head. "Didn't tell me he was a poof. You taking it up the arse now?" he asked Ianto.

"Go fuck yourself," Ianto snarled, pulling the door open and walking out to meet his friend with meticulously measured strides.

"Johnny, that was uncalled for," Rhiannon hissed.

"I'm serious! He's gone bender, then?"

"He hasn't said anything to me," she answered. "Mentioned someone named Lisa, but I'm starting to wonder."

"Don't have to, the way they are. Look at them!"

Rhiannon frowned, but she couldn't refute her husband's claim. Ianto had stopped a few feet in front of James. They exchanged a few words, then James pulled Ianto into a full-bodied hug. A hug that included James stroking the back of Ianto's head. A hug that lasted far too long for it to be anything but a hug between lovers.

"If he's not ready to tell us…" she started.

"Closeted and queer," Johnny muttered. "Should've expected it."

"Johnny Davies, you shut your mouth and let my brother be!" Rhi said, punching his arm. "And don't you dare mention it unless he does! Now go get the kids. They'll have seen the car and they'll be fighting about who gets to ride in it."

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Seeing James and his flashy sports car outside his sister's modest house made Ianto's stomach clench with anxiety. Having to deal with Johnny's homophobia made him angry. He walked carefully, not wanting to rush, but wanting to get to James for some comfort at the same time. James pulled off his aviator sunglasses as Ianto approached and gave him a huge smile.

"Hey," James said, and Ianto could tell that there was a silent 'darling' at the end that he chose not to say for the benefit of anyone who might be within hearing distance, like the teenager who was running back to his place, already on his mobile phone to his mates.

"How much did you give him?" Ianto asked.

"Thirty now, thirty when we leave," James answered. "And I'll do it again when we get back from the zoo."

"That's more than I expected."

"Well, there are six of them, that's ten each," James reasoned. "Supporting the local economy, and all that. How are you?"

Ianto shrugged. "Managed to find a pub fight yesterday. Got hit on the head, forgot the whole thing," he added. James tilted his head in question, his eyes crinkled with worry. "Yes, you can hug me. Nothing else, though. My sister's at the window and my brother-in-law's already called you a poof and accused me of taking it up the arse."

James stepped forward and embraced him, one hand moving to stroke the back of his head and find the bump. "That's a big one," he murmured. "Are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine," Ianto said. "Embarrassed that I don't remember."

James stepped back, letting him go. Ianto wished the hug lasted longer, but knew it couldn't. Not in public. Not with his sister and her husband watching.

"I meant about what Johnny said," James corrected. "That is his name, right? Johnny?"

"Yeah, that's him. And Rhiannon. The kids are David and Mica."

"Are you ok?" James asked again as they turned towards the house.

"I'm sure my sister yelled at him for it."

"But are _you_ ok?"

"James…" Ianto sighed. "I don't like it."

"No flirting," James said, reminding himself as much as Ianto.

"Except with Johnny," Ianto amended. "Might do him some good."

"You sure?"

"Definitely," Ianto answered as they reached the front door.

"Maybe you should call me Jack today," James said with a twinkle in his eye.

"What are you going on about? You suddenly want a nickname?"

"No, just thinking out loud." James winked. "We could roll-play… I could be Jack, and you could be —"

"You're an idiot," Ianto replied with a chuckle, giving James a hearty pat on the back. "Come meet the family and try to behave yourself."

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Watching James relax and play with the children was a rare treat for Ianto, and he enjoyed it immensely. He stood back, leaning against a light post as James carried Mica on his shoulders so she could look at the monkeys from closer up. David stood at James's side begging for a turn.

"He's good with the kids," Rhiannon commented, sidling up next to him.

"Yeah."

"Would he want any of his own?"

"No idea," Ianto answered. "We've never talked about it."

She nodded to herself. "And you?"

"Do I want kids? I'm a little young to be thinking about it. I'm only 22."

"I already had David when I was 22!"

"Well, I'd need a wife, then," Ianto said. "Can't have kids without a wife."

Rhiannon paused before she spoke again, and he could tell she changed what she said at the last second. "How old is he?"

"Thirty-three. His birthday's in March."

"What does he do?"

"Scientist. He researches new technology."

"How long have you known him?"

"Since May," Ianto answered, smiling softly, thinking of their first few dates.

"Bit old for you," she commented.

"What?"

"Has some money, does he?" Rhiannon said instead of repeating herself.

Ianto turned to her. "What is this, the third degree?"

"I like him," she declared firmly.

"So do I," Ianto said without thinking.

They watched as James lowered Mica to the ground and swung David to his shoulders, seemingly without any strain at carrying the older and larger child. Ianto thought of the vague memory of James carrying him over his shoulders one night when he'd been totally pissed and intent on fucking James in the sitting room. He thanked God that James had the sense and restraint to just put him to bed that night. Johnny reappeared with the picnic basket from his car, and David squirmed down, running with his sister towards their father and food. Ianto jogged forward to meet James halfway, abandoning his sister for a minute alone with his friend.

"You look like you were having fun," Ianto said, offering his bottle of water.

"Thanks," James answered, draining it. "I like them. They're good kids." He tossed the bottle at a recycling bin, missed, and went to fetch it to try again. "How about you? Having fun?"

"Yeah. It's nice to see the kids, my sister."

They watched as Rhiannon put out the food on a picnic table and got the children and Johnny settled. She motioned to them.

"Looks like we're being summoned," James said.

"Yep."

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"Come on, I'll buy you an ice cream," James said, giving Ianto a big smile. He held out his hand to help Ianto up from where he lay on the grass next to the kids, who'd abandoned the picnic table as soon as they finished their food.

"I don't like ice cream," Ianto protested, though he let James pull him to his feet just for the ability to touch him, however briefly. "It gives me headaches. But I'll go for a walk with you."

"Nonsense! Everyone likes ice cream! Right, kids?"

"Ice cream!" Mica shouted. "Strawberry! Strawberry!"

"I want chocolate!" David added.

"Now you've done it," Ianto muttered, shaking his head, thinking of hyperactive (and loud) children. In a car…

"Rhiannon? Johnny? Can we get you anything?" James asked, as natural as could be about using the plural pronoun. Almost as if he considered them a unit, Ianto mused. He shut down that line of thinking immediately.

"Just something small we can share, thanks," she answered. Johnny frowned, about to protest, but a glare from his wife kept him silent. She'd been on him about his weight last night, Ianto remembered.

Ianto walked side-by-side with James away from his family, a contented smile on his face. It was turning into a lovely day, full of sunshine, and he loved it. Once they turned the corner and he knew they were out of sight of the others, he grabbed James's hand and gave it a quick squeeze before letting go. James glanced over, startled.

"Keep walking," Ianto hissed.

"Yes, sir," James replied, his eyes alight.

"She's going to insist that you stay for dinner," Ianto said after a few minutes.

"Do you want me to stay?"

Ianto paused, considering. "I want to spend more time with you," he said after a moment. "But… but I don't want them to get the wrong idea."

"About us?"

"Yeah."

"Well, after what Johnny said to you…"

"That's just it. Why would he say that? Is he just being an asshole?"

"You know him better than me," James pointed out. "But if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say he thought he was winding you up. Teasing you. He seems like a good-natured guy. A little rough around the edges, sure, but given how he grew up, that doesn't surprise me. I don't think he was trying to be mean."

"I wish we could just run away somewhere, but she'll insist. I don't think I can get out of it."

"You can come back to mine, after," James suggested. "They finished the work this week. It was going to be a surprise, but…"

Ianto considered it for a few steps. "I don't think that will work. It was one thing when I was going out to dinner with you and then would just stay there, but if we leave for yours together…"

"You're worried they'll think we're dating."

"Right."

James ran his fingers through his hair and looked around. "Come, sit," he said, motioning to a bench. Ianto followed and sat next to him. "I don't want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable," James said, putting his hands in his lap to keep from reaching for Ianto.

"You've been really good about the flirting," Ianto said, resting his hand on James's knee. "But I've missed it," he admitted.

"So have I," James said. "I really want to kiss you."

Ianto looked around, noting the children and their families that swarmed all around them. He felt anxiety building in his chest. How could he kiss James in a public zoo? In the middle of the day?

How could he have gotten through three and a half hours in the man's presence without kissing him once?

"I —"

"I know now's not a good time," James interrupted. "But I don't know how much longer I can last. And before you say anything, I'm not willing to risk getting caught blowing you in the public loo."

The tension in James's voice decided Ianto and he darted forward to press his lips against James's for the briefest of moments. James's hand landed on his, and they kissed quickly a second time. A third.

Ianto jumped to his feet. "Well. Ice cream. Which way?" He looked around, but no one was watching them, no one seemed to have noticed. He let out a relieved breath.

"It's on the way back," James answered, rising. "We passed it a little while ago."

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Ianto was reading a story to Mica upstairs when James joined Rhiannon in the kitchen.

"Want help with the dishes?" James asked.

"Oh, no, you sit. You're the guest," Rhiannon answered.

"In my house, the guest always helped clean," James said. He picked up a tea towel and stood next to her at the sink. "As thanks for the meal provided. It was delicious."

"Well, if you insist." Rhiannon handed James a dish to dry. "You could stay the night, if you want," she said softly after a few minutes of companionable silence. "Me and Johnny, we don't mind. Neither would the kids. Mica's best friend has two mothers."

James paused for a moment, then resumed drying. "I think you're misinterpreting my relationship with your brother," he said carefully.

"I doubt it. Just because he introduced you as a friend doesn't mean I can't see what's really going on."

"It's not like that," James protested. "Me and Ianto. We're — we're what we are."

"Lovers."

"No," James said firmly.

"Really? Really, though? I can't believe you're just friends. Not with the way you look at each other."

James placed the tea towel on the counter and turned around to lean against it, facing into the kitchen. "We are what he wants us to be," James said after a moment. "If he introduces me as his friend, all I am is his friend."

"But —"

"Please, Rhiannon, don't put a label on this. If you care about him, let it go."

"I don't understand. No one would care. No one would say anything. Well, mostly."

"That's not what it's about," James said. "Sure, he's scared of what other people think, but that's just the surface. He's a complex man, and there's so much in his head, pulling him in all different directions. He doesn't think he's allowed what he wants. Hell, half the time he doesn't _know_ what he wants. Labels don't matter to me. What he calls me doesn't matter. I care about him a great deal. He cares about me. That's all that _really_ matters."

"You're ok with that?"

"Yes."

Rhiannon started washing dishes again, and James moved to help. "You can still stay," she finally said.

"But I won't," he answered with a sad sigh.

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"What time is your train tomorrow?" James asked as he and Ianto reached his car. It was past ten, as Rhiannon had insisted that he stay for another drink after the kids were in bed and the dishes done. All in all, it had been a very pleasant day, and Ianto was glad she'd convinced him to invite James along.

"3:40," Ianto answered. He leaned against the car next to James, who settled back with his hands in his pockets. They'd managed to steal a few kisses when Ianto and Rhi changed places putting the kids down, when Johnny was watching something loud on the telly and not paying attention to the two of them in the kitchen. It hadn't satisfied Ianto in the slightest.

"What do you say to an early lunch by the Bay, then a quick tour of my flat?" James asked, his voice rising with hopefulness. "I could drive you to the station, after."

"Would the tour include every room?" Ianto wondered.

"Well, I'll have to save the bedroom for last," James responded, a salacious smile on his face. "It might take a while to explore all the features…"

"Features?"

"Comfortable bed…"

"No need to say more. I'm in."

James grinned, large and bright. "Great!"

"Now, I can't miss my train, mind," Ianto continued.

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Of course you would!" Ianto said with a laugh, taking the opportunity to grab the back of James's head and ruffle his hair as a friend might when goofing off. He let his fingers linger, caressing James's scalp. James sighed and leaned into the gentle pressure.

"I'd make sure you got home. I'd drive you myself, if I needed to."

Ianto let his fingers run down James's back. "Why did you tell me it was still under construction on Monday?" he asked, curious. The little scratches he was giving James's back seemed to be having the desired effect: relaxing James. Ianto hoped he'd be relaxed enough to tell the truth.

"Everything was still in boxes," James murmured. "I had to set things up, unpack."

"And you couldn't have just said that?" Ianto lowered his hand, pulling the back of James's shirt out of his trousers to reach underneath and touch skin. He hoped that the bulk of James's car hid the motion from anyone who happened to be looking outside, like his sister, who was probably watching them, as she'd been doing all day.

James gave a breathy sigh. "Wanted it to be a surprise," he whispered. The next sigh became a moan as Ianto's fingers brushed the skin directly under his trousers and belt. Hearing the moan, Ianto wished he could reach around James's front and grab him more… directly.

"You know what I want?" Ianto asked, breathing his question into James's ear. James shook his head, still seeming dazed by all the attention he was getting from Ianto after an entire day with nothing but half a dozen quick kisses. "I want to fuck that tight arse of yours in your own bed."

"Ianto!" James gasped, turning, looking for all the world like he was about to kiss him. His eyes were wide, the irises shrunken with desire.

Ianto took a step back and smirked. "Tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," James agreed, though his expression begged Ianto to change his mind. Ianto cursed himself that he couldn't.

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It didn't take Ianto very long to find the pub James suggested as a spot for their early lunch. He found a table and ordered a pint, not sure if James would be on time. He knew he was fifteen minutes early, and that could only be to his advantage. He sipped his drink, watching the front door.

Last night, after he'd said goodbye to James, Rhiannon had pounced on him as soon as he reentered the house. _"He seems good for you," _she'd said. _"I'd keep him close, if I were you." _

Ianto pondered that statement. What was she trying to say? She liked James, that much was clear. Johnny and the kids seemed to like him, too. He'd fit in with their family quite well, laughing and joking and entertaining the kids, managing to keep his stories appropriate, which must have taken a lot of mental energy.

He thought about Lisa, and wondered if he'd consider bringing her to meet his family. No, not yet. They barely knew each other. Too soon, by far, to meet each other's families. They hadn't even slept together yet. They weren't officially dating yet.

He remembered the slightly sad expression on James's face when he joined James and Rhiannon in the kitchen, and the contemplative look on his sister's face. She'd spent the rest of the visit looking like she had something to ask him, but never had. She'd also given him a huge hug when she heard he was leaving to meet James for lunch.

A bell above the front door of the pub tinkled, and James walked in. He smiled at the bartender, tossing a small package as he walked past, having spotted Ianto. He draped his greatcoat over a spare chair. He settled fluidly into the chair opposite Ianto and grinned.

"Hey, darling, do you really want lunch, or…?"

Ianto opened his mouth to answer just as James's mobile rang. He frowned and pulled it out. "Sorry, it's Tosh. Hold on. Toshiko?" he asked as he answered. He listened for a moment. "Where? Uh huh, and what do the locals say?" He rubbed his forehead. "Shit, and I was planning on spending the day with Ianto…" He glanced up at Ianto and tried to smile, though it didn't look very convincing. "All right. Call the others in. I'll want you to coordinate while the three of us go out there. Give me ten minutes." He hung up the phone and groaned. "Shit."

"Work?" Ianto asked.

"Yeah. One of our warehouses has been broken into," James explained. "There are some dangerous chemicals stored there, so I need to go deal with it and make sure the locals are safe."

"Sounds complicated. Do you want a hand?"

"Are you certified to handle highly toxic substances safely?" James snapped.

"Um, no," Ianto answered, flushing in embarrassment and anger.

James reached over and covered Ianto's hand with his briefly, then pulled it away, knowing Ianto's reticence for any public displays of affection, even in an unfamiliar place surrounded by strangers. "I'm sorry. I'm just annoyed that we have to cut this short. I wanted to show you my place."

"I wanted to see it," Ianto murmured.

"Next time?"

"You mean next weekend, or…"

"Weekend after next?" James suggested.

Ianto nodded. "Sure. Sounds good." They smiled at each other.

"Can I kiss you here, or am I out of luck?" James asked.

Ianto glanced around. The place was crowded. He felt his stomach twist. "Um…"

"I'm guessing not here," James said with a resigned sigh. He stood and pulled on his greatcoat. "I'll call you tonight when I'm done with all this nonsense."

"I'm just not —"

"It's ok, Ianto. I understand." Ianto looked up from the table to see compassion and understanding in James's eyes. "You're not ready. It's ok. Just know that I'll be here when you are." James leaned over and ruffled Ianto's hair. "Have a safe trip back."

Ianto watched as James strode from the pub, stopping for a conversation with the bartender, probably about the package that exchanged hands earlier. They both seemed satisfied with whatever it was. James gave Ianto a jaunty wave and wink as he left through the front door. Ianto sighed, disappointed and slightly frustrated that they wouldn't go to James's flat.

Should he have let James kiss him? Probably. And now it was too late. Shit. He wouldn't make that mistake next time! James would get a goodbye kiss, even if they had to sneak off to the loo to have a moment of privacy. Not that Ianto especially liked kissing James in the loo, though there had been that time James blew him that he still fantasized about occasionally. Better as a memory than a repeat performance, Ianto thought. He _really_ didn't want to get caught in that kind of situation.

Oh, well, maybe he could catch an earlier train and make it home in time to watch that new sci-fi drama he'd been trying to follow, but invariably missed because James was with him Sunday nights, meaning he had to watch it Monday after work. Always being a day behind didn't earn him any points by the water cooler or in the break room. Billy watched it, too, and was good about not giving away the plot before Ianto got to see it, though many of his other colleagues weren't as considerate, talking about the show loudly every Monday morning.

Maybe he could impress Billy with being on time to see it? He liked his mentor, and wanted him to like him back. Not the way he liked James, of course, but as a friend. One never had enough friends.

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tbc in Chapter 19: How to Ruin a Weekend in One Easy Step


	19. Chapter 19: How to Ruin a Weekend

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 19: How to Ruin a Weekend in One Easy Step**

Posted: November 12, 2014

A/N: This is a short teaser chapter. You knew I'd do one eventually, didn't you? *evil laugh*

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Ianto paced back and forth in his bedroom, running his fingers through his hair until it was a spiky mess. The mobile phone sat on his nightstand, mocking his cowardice. He cursed to himself. There was no way to get out of it, he realized. And there would be fall-out. He knew that. That's why he'd put off making the call for so long. He didn't want to deal with the consequences. But he couldn't put it off any longer. James would be getting on his way to London any minute.

He picked up the phone, pressed speed dial. He ended the call before it could connect. He paced agitatedly for another twenty minutes. He dialed again, held the phone to his ear. He let out a deep, scared breath and waited.

_"Hey, darling, I'm leaving now,"_ James said as he answered on his end, sounding as carefree as usual when he was on his way to see Ianto. In the background Ianto heard the slam of the metal door leading to James's underground car park. The Jaguar's alarm beeped. _"Just wanted to hear my voice?"_ James continued happily. He tossed his carryall into the boot and shut it with a thump Ianto recognized immediately.

"Um, actually, I —" Ianto stopped. _Shit, Jones, just do it,_ he told himself. "I, um, I can't do this weekend. Something's come up. I mean, I can't do today. You could come tomorrow, if you wanted."

There was a long pause on the other end of the line. _"What kind of thing?"_ James asked. He sounded curious and a little upset, Ianto decided, but not angry. Why should he be? He'd had to cancel on Ianto at the last minute several times. Like last weekend and seeing James's flat.

"There's this girl at work," Ianto managed to choke out. "Lisa, from HR. We're going to a movie tonight."

The silence on the end of the line stretched longer this time. When he spoke, James's voice was tight, controlled.

_"And you waited until now to tell me? Two minutes later and I'd have been on the road."_

"I'm sorry! But I'm really nervous, and I didn't want to hurt your feelings and —"

_"So it's a date?"_

"Yes," Ianto breathed, his heart in his throat. How would James respond? Would he be angry? He probably _should_ be angry, with how long Ianto waited to tell him about it. Besides, this was his third date with Lisa. Not that James knew _that_.

Silence from James. Ianto waited. What else could he say?

_"Enjoy your date,"_ James said in a cold voice. He hung up. Ianto stared at the phone for a moment. Had James really hung up on him? He called back.

_"What?"_ James barked.

"Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. There just haven't been any good opportunities..."

_"We were on the phone for an hour last night!"_ James protested.

"I know. I know. I'm sorry. It's just that I haven't been on a real date in a long time, and I wasn't sure how to tell you..." He trailed off, hoping James would understand.

_"A real date?"_ James asked in a strangely choked voice.

"You know, with a girl. I haven't been on one since March or April."

_"A real date,"_ James repeated, and Ianto felt something sour in his stomach. He swallowed nervously, tasting bile. This wasn't going well, was it?

"Well, you know..."

_"I guess I do,"_ James said sadly. _"Enjoy your date!"_ he snarled, hanging up again.

Ianto blinked. He'd never heard James sound like that before. Sad. Hurt. Angry. Resigned. He called back, but it went straight through to voicemail. He decided not to leave a message. He frowned, the image of James hurling his phone at the wall in a fit of rage while tears streamed down his face finding its way into his mind. But why would James do that? Why —?

Gary knocked on his open door and walked into the room without waiting for an answer. "Hey, can you get some of those cup-of-soups when you're out shopping? Here's some money," he said, offering Ianto £15. "This is probably too much, but I don't remember how much they cost, so just spend it all and… Is everything ok?"

Ianto looked up at Gary, suddenly aware he was crying.

"I think I just ruined everything," he whispered.

"What do you mean?" Gary asked, sitting next to him on the bed. He started rubbing Ianto's back soothingly.

"I have a date tonight."

"Hardly unusual," Gary commented. "Where's he taking you?"

"No, a real date," Ianto clarified. "With a girl. I just got off the phone with James, and he sounds really upset. He hung up on me! He's never done that before."

Gary sucked in a startled breath. "Did you just say a _real_ date?"

"Yeah, what of it?"

"Did you call it that to James?"

"Well, yeah. Then he hung up on me," Ianto said. "I don't understand. I thought he'd be happy for me! I mean, I waited until the last minute to tell him, sure, but —"

"Happy for you? That you have a date with someone else?"

"It's been a while since I've been out with a girl, and he knows that. I thought he'd be excited." Ianto paused. "He knows I'm straight. That means dating girls. And she's really pretty! We like each other. I might even stay the night."

Gary groaned and rubbed his hand over his face. "You're an idiot," he said.

"What?"

"You honestly don't know what you did wrong? Really?"

"What? What am I missing?"

Gary sighed. "It's time for a little dose of reality, Ianto. Time to grow up and take some responsibility. Well past time, but we've been following James's lead, and he didn't want us to say anything, but now you've done it. You've crossed the line, and we've got to say something." He stood, walked around the room a few times, then leaned against the doorframe, crossing his arms over his chest. "Fuck, I didn't want to be the one to have this conversation with you," he muttered under his breath.

"What are you talking about?" Ianto demanded, starting to get angry.

"Better me than Steve, I guess," Gary continued to himself.

"Gary?"

"You just called going out with this girl a real date."

"So?"

"What have you been doing with James for the past three and a half months?"

"Going on dates," Ianto answered. "Having sex. But that's different. That's —"

"Not to him!" Gary yelled. "Going on a date with a girl isn't any different than going on one with him! God! Don't you get it? You've just told him that everything you've done with him has been _fake_. Of course he's upset!" Gary paused, gauging Ianto's reaction.

"But it _is_ different," Ianto protested, standing to confront Gary. "With a girl it might lead to dating! To marriage!"

"And it couldn't with James?"

"He's a _man," _Ianto spat, as if it explained everything.

"Steve dates men," Gary pointed out. "He might marry one someday."

"I'm not gay!" Ianto shouted.

"I don't care what you are!" Gary shouted back. "And neither does he! But if you're going to sit here and tell me that the last three and a half months going on dates and sleeping with him mean _nothing_ just because he's a man, I might have to reconsider being your friend."

"What?"

"James is a good man," Gary said. "And he cares about you a hell of a lot more than he should, if this is your attitude. I thought you were better than this. I thought you were starting to get it when you brought him round your sister's last weekend. Come to find you're just another asshole."

Ianto rushed forward and grabbed Gary's arms, holding him in place so he couldn't leave. "Please, Gary, explain it to me! Please. I don't understand! I don't know what just happened! Because we've talked about it. Dating other people, I mean. He said he was ok with it, but he's not. I can tell. Why would he be so angry, otherwise?"

Gary sighed and shrugged Ianto off before walking back to sit on the bed. Ianto thumped onto it next to him. "When did you talk about it?"

"At the beginning. I said I couldn't date him, and he said he was fine with it. I asked if he was sure if he was ok with us being fuck buddies and he said he was. I asked again, even! Being fuck buddies implies we can date other people. It's just casual!"

"Casual? You think it's casual with him?"

"Isn't it? That's what we agreed on."

Gary leaned forward, balancing his elbows on his knees and rubbing the bridge of his nose. "So that first dinner out back in June you defined what you were doing as casual, as just having sex. And you haven't talked about it since?"

"We talk about it not being dating all the time. And we got into a fight on my birthday because I got upset when he called me his boyfriend by mistake and I confronted him about it."

"But you haven't actually talked about dating or sleeping with other people? Ever? You haven't had a conversation where both of you agreed, yes, it's ok to have sex with other people? That it's ok to date other people?"

Ianto hung his head. "When you put it that way, I guess not."

"How long have you known about this date tonight? And what's her name, anyway?"

"Lisa. We figured out the timing Wednesday."

"And you waited until just now to tell James? When he's probably on his way here?"

"He hadn't left yet," Ianto said quickly. "He was getting ready, but he was only just getting to the carpark."

"And that's better?"

"He wasn't driving."

Gary sighed another time. "Fuck, Ianto, you'll be lucky if he ever speaks to you again. Not only did you tell him that everything you've done meant nothing, but you wait until the last minute to cancel on him for a date you've known about for days?"

"He doesn't know how long I've known," Ianto muttered.

"It doesn't matter. You obviously knew before today!"

"It's only our third —"

"Third?!" Gary roared, suddenly furious, rising to his feet. "You've _already_ been out with her? Did you sleep with her?"

"No! She wanted to blow me last time and I said I wasn't ready."

"At least you've got some decency left," Gary spat.

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"You don't know? Are you blind as well as an stupid?"

"I —"

"Don't, Ianto. Just stop talking. You'll only make it worse."

"But —"

"Have fun on your _date_. I hope it's worth it," Gary snarled, leaving the room and slamming the door behind himself.

Ianto collapsed onto his bed, the tears coming back full-force. What was going on? How could Gary say those things? How could he accuse him of not caring about James? He cared about him. Of course he did. A lot.

Their dates meant something to him. They were some of the best memories of his entire life!

Why couldn't they just understand where he was coming from?

He was scared. So very scared.

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tbc in Chapter 20: Jack's Diary


	20. Chapter 20: Jack's Diary

**Who He Wants To Be**

**by Gracefultree**

**Chapter 20: Jack's Diary**

Posted: November 15, 2014

A/N: I got a lot of flack for the last chapter... Ianto being an idiot and all that... Remember that he's very young, younger than he ever was on the show. He hasn't had a 2-year relationship yet. Nor has he gone through the trauma of Canary Wharf, which is the kind of thing that will change _anyone_. If you keep reading beyond this chapter, you'll learn a bit more about _why_ Ianto's quite so thick...

Anyway, thanks for reading and sticking with the story.

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_1 October, 2005, Saturday_

_Ianto Jones is the biggest, most arrogant, insensitive arsehole I've ever met! He's a child! An emotionally stunted __child__! And selfish! Did I mention selfish and greedy and a fucking __bastard__? I'm so angry right now I want to teleport to London and beat him until he begs forgiveness. _

_I was __at my car__ to go there when he calls to cancel. At. My. Car. Now, I've cancelled at the last minute on him a number of times, so that's not really the problem. I'm disappointed, yeah, but do you know why he cancelled? I'll tell you: He has a date. With a girl. And he waited until the last minute to tell me! I thought we'd talk before either of us went on a date with someone else! _

_I mean, even if we're not dating, we're supposed to be friends. And friends tell each other about the people they're interested in, don't they? We were on the phone for an entire fucking hour last night, and he didn't think to mention it? _

_He's known about this date for a while. I could tell. He said he didn't know how to tell me, that he didn't want to hurt me… Well, fuck you, Jones, because you did! _

_I was so furious that I threw my mobile against the wall in the carpark. It's in about 1,000 pieces now. That's an exaggeration. Only dozens of pieces. _

_I stormed back to the main Hub and shouted at everyone to go home. I couldn't deal with them. Owen, of course, had to make a sarcastic comment about me and Ianto having a tiff, or something. I wanted to punch his fucking teeth in. I shouted at him instead, because even as angry as I was, hurting him wouldn't have helped, and I wasn't angry at him, anyway. Though, admittedly, I __did__ punch my fist through one of his computer monitors… perhaps not my best move… _

_Needless to say, Suzie pushed him out the door before I could do (or say) anything else I might regret. Tosh gave me one of her sympathetic smiles and said she'd bring me a new mobile on Monday, and to call her if I wanted it sooner. I hadn't even told her I'd broken it, but I guess she knew. Maybe I'm becoming predictable in my old age? Sometimes I wish she were my second-in-command, but I know she wouldn't be comfortable doing it. She's good in the field, but not as good as Suzie, and when I'm injured, we need our best field agent in charge. Owen has potential, once he settles down, but he's still too newly here. _

_I just spent six hours in the shooting range. It took me a while to find that space where I can hit the targets the way I wanted to, I was so angry and upset, but once I found it… I'm such a soldier, sometimes, finding that Zen moment when firing a gun over and over again. Ianto would be horrified to find out I do it for fun. Hell, he'd be horrified to find out I know how to shoot at all, even though I've told him I was in the army. _

_But that brings me back to him… _

_I don't care that he's going out with this Lisa girl. I care that he didn't respect me and our relationship enough to tell me about it sooner. We've been sleeping together for __four_ _months__! You'd think he'd tell me if he was interested in someone else! _

_But this is Ianto, here. Scared and anxious and in so much denial about what we are to each other. Hell, he probably thinks that I'm angry because he cancelled at the last minute. _

_Well, fuck that. I have feelings, too, and he can go do whatever the fuck he wants, because this is too much to take. _

_And you know the worst part? He called the date with Lisa 'a real date.' Like it hasn't been real with me. Like it doesn't count, or something. _

_Gods and Goddesses, Ianto, if I mean that little to you, why are we even doing this? Why am I opening my heart to you for this bullshit and pain? _

_._

_._

_._

_3 October, 2005, Monday _

_Ianto's been calling several times a day. Apologizing to my voicemail, since I haven't answered. I __don't__ want to talk to him right now. I'm not particularly inclined to respond. I'm still too angry. _

_I was right, though. He thinks I'm angry because he cancelled late. _

_._

_._

_._

_4 October, 2005, Tuesday_

_Four months ago today we had our first date. __Last__ month we went out to a nice restaurant and exchanged gifts… Not that we called them anything. Trinkets, little bits of plastic to hold our keys and remind us of each other… I see mine every time I drive the Jaguar, and now that Tosh has finished the mobile alert system, I'm sleeping at my flat, so that's twice a day I drive the car… _

_If he weren't such a bastard, I'd consider calling him, but he still has no idea why I'm angry. _

_._

_._

_._

_6 October, 2005, Thursday_

_Ianto hasn't stopped calling or texting. He sounds horrible. He sounds like he's in pain. Part of me doesn't care, is glad, in fact, that he's feeling bad about this, but the other part of me wants to drive up there and fix things. I want to hold him in my arms and kiss him and explain how he hurt me so he understands. So he knows not to do it again. _

_He's so damned __young__! I forget, sometimes, when we're together. He acts older than he is. He dresses older than he is, half the time, with those suits of his. But he's just 22, and he hasn't had many relationships. And if he's too scared to think of us as in a relationship, then… well, maybe I should give a little, go talk to him. It's not as if __I'm__ perfect… How could I expect him to be? _

_Then I think about that 'real date' comment and want to punch something again. _

.

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.

Jack's desk phone rang, interrupting his thoughts. He sighed and pushed his diary away. It wasn't helping clear his head, and it wasn't giving him any insights on what to do about Ianto. He'd spent more time in the shooting range in the last week than he could count, spending hours there every night after the others left for the day, trying to regain a bit of peace so he could sleep. It only worked so long. He was getting used to sleeping in his new flat, though, and he found it remarkably comforting to sleep in a real bed instead of the cot under his office.

He'd bought the flat so that he could see Ianto in Cardiff and have a place to bring him at night, and now he wasn't certain he'd ever have the opportunity to do it. He liked having a flat, he realized, after five years of living at the Hub full-time. There were certainly advantages, such as being able to cook. He hadn't done much of it since he'd taken over Torchwood Three, relying on takeaway and restaurants to 'save time,' but he'd been enjoying cooking with Ianto.

He sighed. There were a lot of things that he'd rediscovered about himself by being with Ianto, cooking and sleeping in a bed the least of them. He cared about people a lot more than he admitted, most of the time, and Ianto brought that out in him.

"Harkness," he said, picking up the phone's handset.

_"__Connecting…" _the soft voice of Mainframe replied. _"Please wait." _

There were only a few people who could access Mainframe to make a coded, secure phone call, and Jack knew he didn't want to hear from any of them. Big players in UNIT and several government agencies, the Prime Minister, the Queen… and three of his spies within Torchwood London. He really didn't want it to be one of the spies, even his favorite. He didn't want to have to go to London to sort something out, because Sod's Law would mean he would run into Ianto, and he wasn't ready…

_"__Scrambled and secure line established." _Mainframe declared, a click following her pronouncement.

"Harkness," Jack said again.

_"__Jack! What's a man gotta do to get your attention these days? You didn't respond to my last report." _

"Sparky," Jack answered with a smile once he identified the caller by his voice, deciding maybe talking to his favorite spy might be a good idea after all. They'd always flirted, and he could use some harmless fun right about now. "Since when do you expect an answer each time?"

_"__Since forever. You always acknowledge them, at least." _

"Ah, must've slipped my mind," Jack answered. "I've been busy lately."

_"__Busy? Cardiff hasn't had more Rift activity than usual, has it?" _

"No, that other kind of busy. I've been seeing someone."

There was a pause on the other end of the line. _"Seeing someone, like dating?" _

"We're not calling it that, but that's essentially what it is," Jack answered.

_"__Really? You?" _

"Really. Though I'm not sure for how much longer. We haven't spoken all week, and I'm not inclined to call him any time soon."

_"__What happened?" _

"Let's just say that it's moved beyond casual, and while I'm actually interested in that for a change, he's not."

_"__Shit, that sucks. You going to talk to him? Figure it out?" _

"Not sure," Jack muttered. "He said some hurtful things. I'm not sure we can move on from them."

_"__It's not like you to have such a thin skin," _Sparky said.

"I know, but he's really special. There's just something about him that draws me in. Letting him go will be difficult."

_"__If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were in love with him." _

Jack froze. "No," he barked. "Not possible. I don't do love."

_"__Didn't think so," _Sparky said with a laugh. _"Anyway, if you need a complication-free rebound shag, you know where to go." _

"Thanks for the offer, but whatever this thing is with him, it's not quite done yet. What did you call about?" Jack asked, needing to change the subject. He wasn't in the mood to discuss Ianto with an ex-lover, especially one he hooked up with a few times a year when they had their face-to-face meetings. Now that he thought about it, Jack realized that he and Sparky hadn't slept together in nearly seven months… Definitely an ex-lover, then. Ex-lover and employee, which had never bothered either one of them until now. Jack started wondering if it was beginning to bother him, and came back with an answer he didn't expect. Sleeping with an employee wasn't the problem. Sleeping with someone who wasn't _Ianto_ was. Sparky, meanwhile, had continued talking.

_"__I got the new guy I wanted to mentor. The one who came to me with the chemical compound last month that saved your life." _

"Oh? They don't usually put people together who want to be, not at first."

_"__He did really well against the psychics during his HR interview. The report said that every time he wanted to block their probes, he thought of a sci-fi character he liked and used it as a mnemonic to shove them away. They got past his resistance, of course, they always do, but they were impressed with his ability to keep them out even a little. He doesn't actually have any telepathy or training." _

"Wow. Do you think you can turn him in my direction?"

_"__He's straight," _Sparky said.

"Not everything's about sex, you know," Jack countered. "Even for me."

_"__Yeah. Anyway, I think I can plant some subtle hints. He seems interested in you and Cardiff. He's asked a few questions about you. His family's from Cardiff, he said, also." _

"Huh. Well, keep it up, then. We never know when we'll need an extra bit of support, do we?"

_"__True. He's a nice guy, besides. Don't get too many of them here. Decent. Polite. A little anxious, but who isn't these days? Good looking, too." _

"What's his name?"

_"__Now, Jack, you know I can't tell you." _

"Sorry. I thought, if he was so nice… I know you've been lonely."

_"__He might flirt with me, but he's straight. He's been upset this week actually. Had a fight with the woman he's seeing and he's really messed up about it. Really likes her, I think, from the way he's acting. Seems distracted and depressed." _

"Ah, well, nothing for us to do about it. Anything else I need to know?"

_"__Should I meet your doctor? Owen, was it? Suzie said he didn't know about me." _

"Shit, I forgot all about that! He's barely been here six months, so you haven't been down here. I'll send him to London to spend a week or two with you. Friend visiting, all the usual cover stuff. Do you think they'd be tracking your movements? Or his?"

_"__No, I've been here long enough that they're not tracking me anymore. They took the microphones from my flat six months ago, and I never qualified for cameras. And as far as my contact upstairs in Monitoring and Security says, they're not tracking you or any of your staff besides the occasional random check-in. Nothing scheduled or deliberate." _

"Three years to trust you, huh?"

_"__You didn't exactly trust me immediately, either," _Sparky pointed out. _"How long was it before you let me into the Hub?" _

"Three months. Be glad it was that short. It took six months for me to trust Suzie, coming from MI5 as she did."

_"__And yet you let Toshiko in immediately." _

"She's a different case. I knew I could trust her because of how I found her."

_"__I miss working with them, sometimes. I miss the camaraderie. We don't have that over here. Everyone's intent on backstabbing everyone else. My new officemate's one of the few who's just here to work and enjoy being near alien stuff. He gets really excited whenever something new comes across his desk. It's kind of cute, actually." _

"I'll get you back here one of these days. Maybe you can arrange a long vacation and spend it here… get to know Owen more and work with all of us for a while…"

_"__Maybe." _

"Don't sound so down. If this guy works out, I can hire him out from under Yvonne's nose and transfer you here. Gods know we need someone to organize the Archives."

_"__I'd rather be a field agent." _

"You'd be that, too. See what you can do with your friend. We'll reevaluate after he's made it through his probation, set up a time-frame for introducing him to me, if we still think it's a good idea."

_"__I hope it is. I'd rather let him deal with this second job than keep it for myself." _Sparky paused. _"Jack? Are you sure you don't want a shag?" _

"What's wrong, Sparky? It isn't like you to be so insistent."

_"__I really __am__ lonely. And I've got an unhealthy crush on my officemate." _Sparky chuckled dryly. _"Embarrassed myself last night, actually. We went out for a drink, and I thought he was propositioning me, but the bastard's so damned straight he didn't realize we've been flirting with each other for three months! It turned out ok, I guess. He didn't seem offended, like some straight blokes." _

"Goddess knows I've done that," Jack said, laughing along with him. "You think you'll be able to work with him?"

_"__Yeah, I just need a shag to calm myself down. He's damned hot." _

Jack sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can't sleep with you. Not right now. What about going out?"

_"__I don't want a stranger, Jack. I want someone who actually knows and cares about me." _

"Do we really have to have this conversation again, Billy?" Jack asked, switching to the man's name on account of the intimate nature of the conversation. "We had some fun. We hook up occasionally. I care about you, but that's all. That's all it could ever be, with you working for me."

_"__I'm sorry, I just —" _

"We haven't been together for four years!" Jack added. "You've been with other people since, haven't you?"

_"__Of course! And I don't want to date you. I know that's not what you do. I just want one night to get this guy out of my head." _Billy paused, but Jack could tell he had something else to say, so he waited. _"Maybe it could help you get over whoever you're sort-of seeing." _

"I'm not speaking to him because he started dating a woman without telling me," Jack explained. "I don't care that he's dating her, we're not exclusive, but he needs to be honest. If we're going to fix this thing between us, I can't do the same thing back to him before we've talked about it. He has to know it might happen before I could commit to even a single night with you. I'm sorry. If things change, I'll call you, ok? That's the best I can do."

_"__Yeah, I get it. You must really like him…" _

"Yes."

_"__He's a lucky man. I hope he realizes it." _

"I do, too," Jack responded.

.

.

.

_7 October, 2005, Friday_

_I don't think I've felt this betrayed by a lover since Ginger told me she'd been lying about being on the pill and was three months pregnant when she knew full-well that I didn't want kids… _

_Part of me wants to take Sparky up on his offer of a casual shag. We've been lovers before, so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch. But that would mean going to London, and I'm not ready to go there. I could ask Sparky to come here, I suppose, but the thought of doing something like that makes my stomach twist. Like I said to Sparky yesterday when he offered, I can't do the same thing to Ianto that he did to me. And much as Ianto might be an idiot about relationships, he wouldn't appreciate me 'cheating' on him, even if that's essentially what he did to me… _

_I can't stop thinking about him. Every day, every hour… _

_What is it about Ianto that affects me so? What is it about him that makes me want to grind my teeth in frustration whenever he denies that we're in a relationship? I don't usually go for labels… but with him, I want acknowledgment, at the very least. I want him to admit we're in a relationship. _

_He's so damned young. I keep coming back to that. But I've had younger lovers. Juan was nineteen when we got together. Granted, it only lasted a few months, but he was willing to admit we were together… I've been with Ianto longer. _

_I should be used to closeted lovers by now, too. There was Angelo, saying rosaries at night after he thought I was asleep. There was Peter, running off to get married when I was on assignment in Germany. There was Simon, who would never let me fuck him because that meant he was the 'woman.' _

_Ianto reacts as if he thinks the gestapo is around the corner waiting to drag him off for being with me. But only half the time, and never when we're alone. There are times when he seems perfectly fine with being with me. He's kissed me in pubs, in front of his friends, on the street, occasionally, and even at the zoo two weeks ago! He kissed me in his sister's kitchen! _

_I just don't understand him any more. I don't know what's going to upset him. _

_And I don't like that he called it a 'real' date with Lisa… _

_If he hadn't said that, I'd have spoken to him before now. If he hadn't said that, I'd have driven to London some time this week to make up. If he hadn't said that, I'd have thought we had a future… _

.

.

.

_8 October, 2005, Saturday_

_Gary called me at half-seven this morning and told me he and Steve were leaving the flat at noon and to get my arse up to London to talk to Ianto. 'You're being a dick,' he said. 'I know he hurt you, but he's too young and scared to be the bigger man,' he added. 'So you have to be.' _

_I reminded Gary that he was only a few months older than Ianto, and Gary said that he was light years ahead of Ianto in terms of understanding relationships and emotional maturity. He knows I don't give a shit what Ianto calls what we're doing, he said, but he knows it's important to both of us, and that for anyone else it would be dating, and that I should just be patient while Ianto works through his denial. He called it that, denial. He seems to think Ianto will get over this phase and accept that we're in a relationship at some point. _

_He's far more optimistic about this than I am right now… But I suppose we need a cheerleader. _

_'__He's miserable,' Gary said. 'He misses you, and knows he fucked up, but you not responding to him makes him feel even worse, and you'll give him a complex if you don't fix it. And I'm going to bet that you're miserable, too. I know you like him. Just come. Talk it through. Give him a second chance. Don't you think he deserves one?' Don't you?' _

_So I'm going to London. There's really nothing else to do. Gary's right. I __have__ been miserable. And I'm worried about Ianto. _

_And I miss him. _

_._

_._

_._

_tbc in Chapter 21: Working Things Through_


	21. Chapter 21: Talking Things Through

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 21: Working Things Through**

Posted: November 19, 2014

A/N: Thank you everyone for the reassurances! I was worried people would abandon my story because Ianto was being an idiot... I'm glad you're not. And now, back to our regularly-scheduled chapter. Enjoy!

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.

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"Please come see me tomorrow," Ianto begged. "Please. We need to talk in person," he added. "I miss you. I'm sorry." There was no response from James's voicemail. Not that he'd expected any. "I'm sorry," Ianto said again. He closed his phone.

.

.

.

The flat had never been more clean.

Ianto had never felt more alone.

Gary and Steve had been avoiding him all week. Neither had voiced even an ounce of sympathy when Lisa cancelled their movie date the weekend before at the last minute because her mother fell and needed Lisa's help. Neither of them had mentioned James, either, until this afternoon. They'd both vacated the flat around noon, telling Ianto tersely that if James _did_ decide to show up, they weren't going to be around for the shit show. Nor would they console him when James dumped him in spectacular fashion as befitting Ianto's callous and unfeeling treatment of the man.

James hadn't answered Ianto's calls all week. Nor had he responded to the many texts Ianto sent. Ianto spent the week feeling lost, scared and anxious. He still wasn't quite sure what he'd done, but he knew he'd fucked up. He knew that he'd be very lucky if James forgave him.

Ianto thought back to a conversation he had with Billy over beer and chips Wednesday, since he didn't even try to go to trivia night. He knew the guys wouldn't welcome him there.

.

_"You ever had a fuck buddy?" Ianto asked cautiously. _

_Billy glanced over sharply. "Sure. Are you in the market for one? 'Cause I'd —" _

_Ianto felt as if his eyes must look comically wide in his surprise. _

_"I'm bi," Billy explained. "What, you didn't know?" _

_"No, I never thought about it," Ianto answered. He picked at his beer mat. _

_"I've been flirting with you ever since we met!" _

_"Really?" _

_Billy rolled his eyes. "And you've been flirting back. Not as much as I've seen you flirt with Lisa, but you've done it." _

_"Oh. My roommate's gay. I see him flirting with guys all the time. I guess I just thought it was normal. Sorry. I don't mean to lead you on, or anything. I'm not interested." _

_Billy smiled and patted Ianto's shoulder companionably. "I know. Just thought I'd offer on the off chance I was reading you wrong and you __were__ interested." He took a gulp of his beer. "What do you want to know about fuck buddies?" _

_"It's a casual thing, right? Like, you can start dating someone when you have a fuck buddy already, to see if things work with the person you're dating? You know, before it gets serious, when you're still dating around, or whatever, and haven't decided to be exclusive." _

_Billy pursed his lips. "That's a tricky question. Some people are ok with that, sure, but to some, even though there's no relationship in the traditional, dating sense, being someone's fuck buddy is important. Like, not everyone is ok with their fuck buddy having sex with other people. They would expect a conversation about it, an agreement before things changed." _

_"How do you know if they're ok with it or not?" _

_"You ask. You talk about it." _

_"Oh." _

_"How much trouble are you in?" Billy asked astutely after a minute of tense silence. _

_Ianto frowned at his empty pint glass. "A shitload." He sighed sadly. _

_"You've got someone already? That's not Lisa?" _

_"Kind of." Ianto glanced over, seeing an open expression on Billy's face. "It's casual. But now that Lisa's in the picture, everything's changing, and it feels really bad, and I don't know what to do. I didn't mention that I was seeing Lisa for a few weeks, and…" He trailed off, not sure what to say. "I think I should've said that I was interested in her right from the start, but I didn't… and now everything's broken…" _

_"You want some advice?" Ianto looked over again and nodded. "Apologize and talk it out. If you've never talked about it, and got yourself in hot water, bite the bullet and have the conversation. You might be surprised at how things turn out." _

_"Really? You think?" _

_"This person is important to you, right?" _

_"Very. But we haven't spoken all week. We usually talk every day. Or text, at the very least." _

_"I'm gonna bet that you're important to this person, too, then," Billy said rather more decisively than Ianto expected. "Is it the kind of thing where you see each other at some regular time? Or is it more casual than that?" _

_"We try to see each other on Saturdays. But I fucked it up by cancelling last week without notice. I had a date with Lisa, and I was so nervous about having to cancel that I waited too long, and we haven't spoken since. Plus, __Lisa__ cancelled on __me__, so I spent the day completely alone. My roommates won't even talk to me, they're so upset about how I handled things." _

_"How long have you —?" _

_"It was four months yesterday," Ianto muttered. "Longer than I've known Lisa. We met before I started working at Torchwood." _

_"Are you sure it's just casual?" Billy wondered. _

_"Of course! Why does everyone keep asking that?" _

_"If it's been that long…" _

_"I dated people longer than that in Secondary," Ianto declared. "I think I'd know if it was more than casual." _

_Billy held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. "No judgement here, remember? My best advise is still to talk it out. Figure out what you're doing, what you're both comfortable with. Could be that all you need to say is that, yes, it's an open relationship. But you need to say it, spell it out. Your person could be fine with that, once you've talked about it." _

_"I can try," Ianto said dejectedly. "I doubt it'll work." He shoved a cold chip in his mouth and frowned, chewing halfheartedly. _

_"At least you'll have tried," Billy said. "That counts for a lot, in these kinds of situations." He paused. "Women are complicated. So are men, for that matter, more than we give ourselves credit for, a lot of the time, and certainly more than women think we are. Have the conversation and see where it goes. Does Lisa —" _

_"I want to know if this is over before I talk to her about it. I've known Ja— this person a lot longer than I've known her. It's only fair to figure this out first, isn't it?" _

_"I suppose so. Just… another word of advise: Don't just fuck the problem away. Actually talk." _

_"Easier said than done," Ianto murmured, feeling deja vu as he remembered saying the exact same thing to Gary and Steve when he was about to call James for the first time. He sighed miserably and ordered another pint. _

_._

The ringing of the doorbell pulled Ianto from his thoughts. A single ring, it wasn't James's usual quick three-two-three burst, but it was definitely the bell outside the door to the flat, rather than the intercom from the street to be let into the building. He jerked into a sitting position, his heart pounding in his chest. Was it James? _Please, please let it be James_, he prayed. He'd given James the code for the building ages ago, so all he had to do was come up and ring the bell. Or knock, but that wasn't James's style. Then again, a single ring wasn't his style, either. Ianto took a deep breath to try to calm his nerves, wiped his sweaty palms against his jeans, and opened the door.

"James," he whispered, his voice full of relief. "You came."

James smiled hesitantly. "Yeah." They stood in silence for a few minutes, the space between them getting more and more tense. "Can I come in?"

"Sure. Sure. We've got the place to ourselves. Steve and Gary went out."

James snorted. "I know. Gary called me. He told me I was being a dick and to get my arse up here to talk to you."

"He told me I was an idiot," Ianto offered. "Then he called me an asshole."

James stepped into the flat and took off his coat. Ianto hung it on the usual peg and watched James untie his boots and place them on their mat, next to Ianto's trainers.

"Do you want a coffee?" Ianto asked.

"Thanks," James said, and followed him to the kitchen, where he settled into one of the chairs at the table. Ianto looked at him from the corner of his eyes while he made coffee. James hadn't brought anything with him. Not flowers, not an overnight bag, nothing. His heart sank. James wasn't expecting to stay. Nor did he think he had anything to apologize for, as evidenced by the lack of flowers. He looked tired, with dark circles under his eyes, though they weren't as bad as the ones under Ianto's own eyes, which were bloodshot from all the crying he'd been doing. He finished the coffee and placed two mugs on the table. They sat in silence as they sipped their coffee.

"I should've —"

"I shouldn't have —"

They both broke off when they started talking at the same time. James motioned for Ianto to start, as usual. He sighed. He should've expected James to want him to talk first. He caused the fight, after all, didn't he? Therefor, it was his responsibility to try to fix things.

"I should've talked to you sooner. I'm sorry. I just feel so overwhelmed and lost. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry."

"I shouldn't have gotten so angry," James answered. "I know we'd never talked about it explicitly. I guess I thought we were on the same page about some things, and we weren't. I'm sorry, too."

"Where did you think we were?" Ianto asked.

"I thought we'd talk before either of us went on a date with someone else. I didn't even know you liked anyone! We're supposed to be friends and I had no idea. It felt like a slap in the face."

"We _are_ friends," Ianto rushed to say. "You're my best friend. My closest friend."

"Then why didn't I know you liked this girl?"

"No one knew! And I didn't want to tell you," Ianto admitted. "I thought you'd be angry."

"Why would I be angry that you like someone?"

"I thought you'd be jealous."

James sighed and rubbed his hand over his face. "Do I have something to be jealous about?"

"No!" Ianto exclaimed. "Maybe. I don't know! It's so new, me liking her…"

"Goddess, Ianto," James breathed, closing his eyes for a minute to get his thoughts in order. He seemed to choose and discard several things before he spoke again. "I thought we'd go over what we were comfortable with before either of us decided to be with anyone else."

"I don't — I'm not — I — Like what?" Ianto finished lamely, unable to form a complete sentence. James took pity on him and answered.

"Like using condoms. Like whether or not we talk to the other person about what we're doing with each other. Like checking in with each other." Ianto lowered his gaze. "I'm not upset you went on a date with her," James said. "I'm upset you sprung it on me like you did. That you waited until the last possible second to tell me." He paused. "I _am_ upset."

"I know. I'm so, so sorry!"

James reached out and ruffled Ianto's hair, the first physical contact between them, since James had been careful to keep their fingers from touching when he handed Ianto his coat. "Hey, try to relax, ok? This isn't the end. We just have to have some difficult conversations."

"Can I hug you?" Ianto asked in a whisper. He looked up to see that James was fighting tears, just like he was.

"That might be a good idea," James answered, standing. Ianto rose and wrapped his arms around James's middle, leaning against him. He felt James's arms around him, holding him tightly. He inhaled James's unique scent and felt a calmness radiate through his body. After what seemed like a very long time, James sighed softly. He stepped back, not far enough that they lost contact, and took Ianto's cheeks in his hands. Ianto felt his hands tingling where they rested on James's hips, even with trousers and pants between his fingers and skin. He closed his eyes. The brush of James's lips against his own startled him, though a small part had been hoping for it. A gentle kiss, it was sad, too, filling Ianto with longing for what he'd broken between them.

"Do you hate me now?" he asked, turning his head away so he wouldn't see James's expression if he answered in the affirmative.

"I'm angry. I'm hurt, and sad and disappointed. That doesn't mean I hate you," James said. "Come, sit."

"I don't know what to say," Ianto admitted, happy that James wrapped an arm around him so they could cuddle together on the sofa. "I know I fucked up. I know part of how. But I don't know it all, and Gary tried to explain it, and I know I'm not getting it, and I'm scared you're never going to see me again."

"I'm here now, aren't I?"

"I hate not understanding!"

"What have you figured out?" James asked gently.

"You're upset I waited until the last minute to call, but I think you're more upset I didn't tell you about Lisa."

"That's three-quarters of it. The rest is that —" James stopped abruptly. He frowned to himself. "The rest is —"

"What?"

James ran his fingers through his hair. He blew a puff of air out of his mouth in frustration. He looked over at Ianto. "You send mixed messages."

"Huh?"

"I just can't read you anymore. I don't know what's going to set you off. I don't know what you'll allow, or approve of, or get angry about. I don't know what's going to make you anxious." James let go of Ianto and got up to start pacing. "You call us fuck buddies and don't want anyone to know, and yet everyone knows! I met your family!"

"You made that happen!" Ianto protested.

"_Your sister_ made that happen," James countered. "She offered to let me stay the night, you know. She said that she and Johnny wouldn't mind."

"What?" Ianto shouted, jumping to his feet. "Why didn't you tell me? How did she find out? Did you tell her about us? What did you —"

"I didn't tell her anything," James shouted back. "I told her it wasn't like that. It's not my fault she didn't believe me."

"But why would she — And she didn't say anything to me…"

"I asked her not to because I thought it would upset you to know she knew."

"It _does_ upset me! What does she think we do?"

"I'm pretty sure she knows we share a bed," James barked. "And she's old enough to know what that implies."

"And you didn't tell her she was wrong?"

"She's not wrong! We _do_ share a bed!" James growled. "I put stars on your bloody ceiling, Ianto."

"But that's not —"

"I'll be clear, ok? Crystal clear so you don't have to wonder anymore. I like you. I like you a lot, and if you ever wanted to date me, I'd do it in a flash, because I'd be proud to have you as a boyfriend."

"I'm not— I'm not ready to have a boyfriend," Ianto whispered. "It's not that I don't like you…"

James rolled his eyes. "You think I don't know that? I don't need you to date me. I don't need to be your boyfriend. Wants and needs are different things, remember?"

"Well, I —" Ianto froze. "I — "

"I'm not leaving you," James declared firmly. "I'm not leaving, but if you want this thing between us to continue, we need to make up some new rules, because what we have isn't working. We need to be honest with each other." He waited, but Ianto remained silent. "This is our second fight in three weeks," James said. "And it hasn't been sunshine and roses for me, either."

"I know. And I know it's my fault. The last one was my fault, too. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say."

"Shall I start? Rule One: If you get to fuck other people, so do I."

"Of course." Ianto paused. "I haven't, though."

"Neither have I. But that's not the point. If there's a possibility you're going to do it, I should have that same option. Rule Two: We tell each other before we do it."

"Ok."

"Are you going to sleep with her?"

"I don't know yet. Maybe."

James sighed. "Fair enough, I suppose. Rule Three: We tell the other person, _before_ we have sex with them, that it's not exclusive." He held up his hand to prevent Ianto protesting. "I don't expect you to tell them about me specifically, just that there's no expectation of monogamy unless we talk it out."

"But, that would mean…"

"I will _not_ be your dirty secret," James snarled. "I've been down that road before, and it's not pretty."

"I wouldn't ask you to be," Ianto said in a choked voice.

"No? Think about how you treat our relationship. You already treat me like that half the time."

"No, I don't! You just said it. Everyone knows! Even my sister, you said. Besides, it's not a 'relationship.' It's just sex."

"Sex _is_ a relationship!" James roared at the top of his lungs. Ianto stared at him, tears running down his cheeks in messy rivulets. He'd never seen James so angry, not even when he confronted Steve. "And that's the point, Ianto! You called going on a date with her a 'real' date. Is going out with me nothing? Am I nothing to you? Don't my feelings matter even a little?"

"Of course they do!" Ianto screamed. "Of course you do!"

"Well, it doesn't feel like it," James snarled, crossing his arms over his chest in a defensive posture.

"Why are we shouting about this?" Ianto demanded, collapsing to his knees. He buried his head in his hands. "Why can't we be nice to each other again?"

"Because last weekend you treated me as if I didn't matter," James answered. "You treated me like an object. Like someone available at your beck and call, without feelings of his own."

"I've never treated you like that!"

"Do you like this girl?" James asked, throwing Ianto with the abrupt change of subject.

"I think so."

"Do you like me?"

"Yes!" Ianto shouted, looking up to meet James's eyes. "That's the problem! I like you too much! How am I supposed to deal with these feelings, huh? How am I supposed to live my life liking you as much as I do? I'm straight! I don't date men! I don't like men! But I like _you_," he finished, his voice trailing off. He continued in a soft, hesitant voice.

"I like you, and it scares the shit out of me that I can like you so much when I've never felt this way about anyone before and I don't want — I don't know what I want — All I know is that I've been miserable without you this week, and how can I be this miserable about someone I'm just fucking? But it's more than that and I know it and I'm terrified of admitting it, because if I admit it that means I'm not straight, and then my father's right, and I'm just a good-for-nothing queer with nothing to look forward to but a host of horrible diseases and an early grave!"

Ianto felt more tears on his cheeks but kept going, though his head dropped again. "I can't date you," he croaked. "I can't. I just can't, ok? I'm sorry!"

James's arms around him startled him more than the kiss had earlier.

"I don't need you to date me," James whispered. "I don't. What I need is for you to respect me, to respect what we have. To be truthful with me."

"What do we have?"

"A very complex friendship that involves sex, and caring, and a host of other emotions." James paused. "I really want this to work."

"Me, too."

"Is Lisa the type of person who'd understand?"

Ianto shrugged. "I don't know. We've only been on two dates. Last weekend would have been the third, but she cancelled at the last minute. Her mother fell," he explained. "I haven't seen her since, except in passing at work. She looks like she hasn't been sleeping." Iano snorted. "None of us have been sleeping, huh? You look just about as awful as I feel."

"It hasn't been easy," James muttered. He sighed and kissed the side of Ianto's head. They sat in silence for a few minutes. "You like me?"

"I don't think I could have sex with someone I didn't like even a little," Ianto responded. "And I like you much more than a little."

James's lips twitched into a smile, though he didn't respond in words.

"You like me?" Ianto asked.

"I told you so a few minutes ago. Do you want me to say it again?"

"No, I — That's ok. You don't have to say it unless you want to."

"I like you," James murmured against Ianto's skin as he shifted so he could take Ianto's face in his hands again. He rubbed at the tearstains on Ianto's cheeks with his thumbs. "But I'll be honest. I'm getting tired of this back-and-forth thing."

Ianto tensed.

"I've known fear in my life," James said, releasing Ianto's face. "I know what it's like to deny something because admitting it is too scary to contemplate."

"When did you come out?" Ianto asked.

"I'm not talking about my sexuality," James muttered. "I was never _in_." He gave Ianto a few soft, quick kisses on either cheek, on his forehead, along his jaw. "Tell me about your father," James asked when Ianto seemed calmer, relaxing him with kisses and caresses.

"When my mum died, he turned to alcohol," Ianto said softly. "He would drink before, but it got really bad after she died. When he was drunk… he didn't hesitate to share his opinions. Loudly. Rudely. He hated queers most of all," he whispered, feeling James flinch at the use of the word. "They were abominations against Christ, he'd say. Or AIDS was what they deserved, going against God. He wasn't religious, by any means, but…"

"I think I see," James said, hugging Ianto even more tightly.

"I wanted his approval, but I was never quite good enough. Never the son he wanted. I was too quiet, too smart, not into rugby, or sport. He never hit me, but words are just as bad, sometimes."

"Worse," James corrected. "They last longer than broken bones."

"Yeah," Ianto agreed, remembering the pain of his broken leg and how the nasty names his father called him lingered far longer.

James sighed. "I wish I could give you some of my confidence," he said after a long moment.

Ianto snorted in disbelief. "I'm not queer."

James sighed again, more upset this time. "I'm not saying you are."

"My dad would," Ianto muttered. "If he knew what we did, he'd call me queer to my face."

"Well, your father's dead," James exclaimed. "He can't hurt you anymore."

"Then why do I hear his voice whenever I think we're more than friends?" Ianto demanded. Ianto moaned, covering his face again. "Why am I so scared?"

"I don't know," James whispered. "I wish I did. I wish I could help you. I hate that you're so scared, that there's nothing I can do to help."

Ianto crawled closer to James and cried in his arms for a long time while James tried to soothe him. Slowly, he calmed again, until they were sitting on the floor, curled around each other like limpets.

"There _is_ something you can do, though," Ianto said after another long moment. James raised his head to meet Ianto's eyes. "Stay. Help me learn it's not all scary."

"As long as you want me," James promised.

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_8 October, 2005, Saturday. Later…_

_Ianto's finally sleeping. It took him several hours to drift off, even with how many times I got him to come. Not that I blame him, after everything that happened today. Between the crying and yelling and fucking… no, not fucking. It's more than that. I won't name it, but it's more than fucking. He even admitted it. _

_It started with a hug. Then we apologized. I told him he gave me mixed messages, and the conversation I had with his sister last month came out. He wasn't very happy to hear that she suspects we're sleeping together. But, then again, he's so far in the closet he doesn't even know he's in it. _

_But that's not entirely true anymore... as you'll see. _

_Not that I care what he calls himself. _

_I care about how scared he is. He told me that his father hated queers and used to say all kinds of horrible things about them when he was drinking. His uncle was gay, Ianto said, though no one in the family admitted it, and he died of AIDS before Ianto was three. His father didn't go to the funeral, hadn't seen his brother in five years… Ianto only knows because he looked up his uncle one day when in university, found his name on an AIDS quilt project. He went back and asked his sister about it, since she's older, and she told him about how Uncle Mark came out and their father kicked him out of the house and threatened him to stay away from his children. _

_What a legacy to have to deal with. Reminds me of Angelo, a little, though less Catholic. _

_Ianto was born in 1983, at the height of the AIDS crisis. When gay men were dying every other day. He grew up in fear of AIDS and STIs. He grew up in a community full of homophobia. His father's attitude only made it worse. _

_God, I still remember the look of profound relief on his face when I handed him the envelope with my clean STI panels our second weekend together. We'll never fuck without condoms, unless we have some serious conversations, but knowing that I was clean made him so much more relaxed about having sex with me. _

_He said he likes me in a way he's never felt for anyone before, and it scares him. Well, relationships are scary. He thinks I'm not scared? I'm terrified of how I feel for him, how strong these feelings are. I'm going to lose him one day, and then where will I be? What will I have? Another broken heart to mend. And yet I can't help what I feel for him, either. I want to drown in it. I want to let go and let these feelings grow into whatever they're going to become. But I can't do that because he's not ready. He's nowhere near ready for either of us to think like that. Admitting he likes me is a huge step for him! Telling me about his father, and how scared he is about being with me is a huge thing. _

_It helps me understand him better, understand where he's coming from, why he's so scared, why he's so hesitant to call us anything other than fuck buddies. I needed that bit of information to move forward. You see, now I have hope. I hope that together we'll be able to work through his fear so we can be more open, so we can see more of each other, so we can __be __more to each other_.

_He's not ready to commit. He still wants to date Lisa. They haven't slept together, it seems, and I said it would be ok with me if he did it, as long as she knows she's not the only one in his bed… _

_But I realized something. I don't actually like the idea of him dating Lisa. I don't like the idea of him sleeping with her. I want him all to myself. _

_And I know I can't tell him, because he'll run as far away as he can… _

_Gotta get a handle on my jealousy… _

_Fuck. _

_._

_._

_._

The click of the front door lock startled Jack. It was past one in the morning, and he'd thought from his conversation with Gary that he and Steve would both stay away from the flat that night, lest they interrupt something. His advanced hearing picked up Gary's slightly labored breathing after climbing five flights of stairs with an extra stone and a half of weight on his body than was good for him. Jack closed his diary and got up to get a glass from the cabinet so that by the time Gary stumbled into the kitchen to find out why the light was on, he was pouring him a generous serving of scotch and refilling his own glass.

"Cheers," Gary mumbled, clinking his glass to Jack's. "Didn't expect you to be up at this hour."

"I didn't expect you to come home at all tonight," Jack responded.

"Yeah, well, Lorraine suddenly wanted a girls' night and kicked me out. None of my mates were answering their phones, so I had to come back here. Stayed out as late as I could manage on my own." He paused. "Did you two work it out?"

"I understand a bit more why he's so scared of a relationship with me," Jack said. "I think we patched things up. But who knows? His thoughts about all this turn on a dime, lately. Figured that one out, too. He's dating a woman named Lisa and was too scared to tell me about it. Turns out a lot of his emotional volatility lately is since he agreed to that first date with her and he's been conflicted about seeing her and me at the same time."

"At least he finally told you, right?"

"Did you know about her?" Jack wondered.

"I found out after your fight last week. He hadn't told _anyone._" Gary sipped his scotch again.

"Will you and Steve start talking to him again?"

"Yeah. I feel kind of bad about that, actually. But he hasn't treated us very well, either."

"No?"

"His anxiety has been through the roof this week. He keeps snarling at us when he's not been crying. I've had to remind him to take those pills more than usual. He'd been getting better, but this set him back."

"Well, it's not always about him," Jack grumbled. "I've got feelings, too, and I'd like him to respect that more than he's been doing."

"From your mouth to God's ears," Gary said. "Or Ianto's, as the case may be."

"Speaking of," Jack said, draining his glass. "I should go back to him. Don't want him to wake up and think I've left in the night." He stood, gathering his diary and fountain pen before putting the glass in the sink. "G'night."

In the bedroom, Jack stared down at Ianto for a few minutes before undressing and crawling into bed with him. Ianto muttered in his sleep, rolling to drape himself over Jack's body, pinning him down. Jack sighed and ran a hand down Ianto's back.

"Would things be better if you knew who I really was?" he asked Ianto softly, not expecting an answer from the sleeping man. "Would you run scared like everyone else I think I could fall for? Would you leave me over my reputation? Or over the danger?" He closed his eyes, feeling a shiver of dread down his spine at the thought. "Owen was right. If you knew, you'd be in danger, and then I'd never be able to relax, worrying about you."

He sighed again. "Goddess, Ianto, what spell have you cast over me that I want to be a different person when I'm with you? That I want to be a better man?" he asked himself silently, not wanting to disturb Ianto any more than his shifting about and trip to the kitchen to write in his diary already had.

Ianto twitched, blinking slowly as he woke up a fraction. "Stop thinking," he slurred sleepily. Ianto closed his eyes again, snuggling even closer. With a reluctant shift to settle more comfortably, Jack closed his eyes and willed himself to sleep, hoping that things would be slightly more clear come morning.

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tbc in Chapter 22


	22. Chapter 22: Can We Say 'Jealousy'

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 22: Can we say 'jealousy?'**

Posted: November 22, 2014

A/N: Here's a nice long chapter for you. Enjoy! I probably won't be able to post for a week, since it's US Thanksgiving and I have a houseful of guests. Rest assured, the next chapter will be worth reading!

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What was it about Thursdays that always seemed to suck so much? Ianto wondered as he left work. It was the beginning of the weekend for a lot of people, he mused, but for him it was a reminder that he still had two nights alone before he saw James. Nights when his roommates would be out on dates or on the pull, nights when he'd overhear them having sex, nights when he'd go to sleep frustrated that James was all the way in Cardiff. It was the day he seemed to see James everywhere he went, or at least men who looked like him. It was the day he saw James's car everywhere he went…

Like over there, across from the Tube stop, sitting in pride of place in front of the pub where a lot of Torchwood people went after work to have a drink before they trudged home. Ianto had been a few times. It was a nice enough place, but he preferred the local by his flat. This one was overpriced, as expected across the way from the Tower and Canary Wharf and the financial district with bankers and stock brokers and posh businessmen. He'd taken Lisa there once, for a drink before their second date.

Wait, that didn't just _look_ like James's car, it _was_ James's car! It had the same registration plates, the same spitfire sticker on the back bumper.

Why didn't James tell him he was coming to London? Why was he parked right next to where Ianto worked? Was he trying to surprise him, like he'd done by showing up at trivia night that time? But he didn't know Ianto worked here… Ianto crossed the street.

Things had been really good between him and James lately, he mused, ever since that fight about Lisa at the beginning of the month. That Lisa had been too busy to see Ianto hadn't hurt matters, and Ianto's interest in her had waned in favor of creating peace with James again. Two dates with a girl wasn't enough to jeopardize what they had. It just wasn't worth it. And with her being distant, albeit because she was commuting back and forth to her mother's on the weekends, well, there wasn't a question in his mind.

Her mother had been older when she had Lisa, already 43, a single mother by choice after her husband died, and Lisa was an only child. Now 68, Mrs. Hallett suffered from osteoporosis, and the fall had broken her hip, already weak, making her healing time longer.

Ianto didn't think the times he and Lisa ate lunch together at work counted as dates, since they hadn't been planned, rather, they'd seen each other in the canteen and sat together. She always smiled at him, and when she had the energy, teased him and called him Mr. Welsh Man, but beyond that, nothing. They were friendly, almost friends, he suspected. It didn't feel like anything more, certainly not like what he had with James. He found he wasn't as upset as he'd thought he'd be, realizing that.

He glanced at his mobile, finding a text from James. _'A business meeting suddenly cropped up. Won't be able to talk tonight. I'll call you tomorrow. Xx'_

Ianto frowned at the phone. What was that about? On the surface, it was the same kind of text James always sent when he knew something would keep them from being able to talk. But underneath… James never sent the text so early. He usually waited until at least eight, when he knew Ianto would have had dinner and be relaxing. Could it be that he felt guilty that he was in London and not seeing Ianto?

Ianto pushed open the door to the pub, getting the expected assault of noise and heat. There, at the bar, laughing and flirting with some guy, sat James. Ianto watched as James motioned to the bartender, who brought the man a new drink. James, predictably, had a glass of water in front of him.

Ianto drifted farther into the pub, finding a table where he could sit and not be seen by either man. He ordered a beer and resisted the urge to look over again. Ianto took a long pull from his beer when the waiter delivered it and looked over at the two men. He couldn't help himself. They'd shifted slightly, and he could just make out that the man with James was — Michael from Special Weapons.

Michael from Special Weapons? James was flirting with a Torchwood employee? What?

Ianto finished his beer quickly and ordered a second. What did it mean that James was doing that? Did he know about Torchwood? No, how would he? But he worked with new sciences… Torchwood was the top of the line. Maybe he _did_ know about it. Not that Ianto could ever mention it.

Shit. Things were about to get complicated.

He could hear James's laugh across the noisy pub, and he looked over to see what was happening. God, James looked good, teeth and dimples flashing, huge smile on his face. He looked good enough to eat. He looked good enough to fuck. Ianto felt his cock filling, imagining other times when _he'd_ been the one James flirted with, when _he'd _been the one James took home…

James laughed at something Michael said, leaning over to run a hand down the man's arm, letting it rest on his knee. Michael covered James's hand with his.

Ianto felt a sudden urge to storm over there and shove Michael away before the flirting went any farther. He wanted to grab James and pull him from the pub, drag him home and make sure he understood who he belonged to. He needed to —

Who he _belonged_ to? What? Where did that thought come from? They weren't exclusive. They were free to date or sleep with other people. They weren't dating…

The thought of James going home with Michael made his stomach twist. He groaned, feeling suddenly sick.

Was he _jealous_? He couldn't be. No. Not at all.

He had to get up. He had to leave. He couldn't let James see him. Not when he was feeling like this. He couldn't jeopardize what they had by being jealous. For all he knew, Michael was just a hook-up…

But hook-ups could become more. They could lead to dates and dating and — God, he wouldn't be able to deal with it if James started dating someone. He wouldn't! How could they keep up what they had if James started dating someone? Fuck.

And weren't they supposed to tell each other _before_ they had sex with someone else? James hadn't even told him he was in London!

Ianto squeezed his eyes shut to fight the anxiety and nerves. He didn't have those pills with him, so he could either leave to get them at home, or go vomit in the loo… He opened his eyes and glanced over one last time. James happened to look away from Michael at that exact same instant, clearly bored but putting on a good flirtatious mask that Michael wouldn't be able to see through but Ianto could from halfway across the pub because he knew James as well as he did.

James's eyes met his and widened in surprise. His mouth dropped open. Michael, fortunately, was looking at his phone and didn't see. James held up a hand, pressing a finger to his lips, then motioned with his thumb. Ianto found himself nodding, telling James he'd meet him in the back. As he passed them, he heard James tell Michael he had to pee and would be right back. Not the most elegant thing to say, but typical of James.

"What are you doing here?" James demanded as soon as he followed Ianto into the loo and made sure they were alone.

"What am I doing? What are _you_ doing?" Ianto countered.

"He's a work contact!"

"Two more minutes and you'd be sucking his face!"

"I'm a flirt!" James shouted. "It gets people loosened up, gets them to tell me more than they think they're going to!"

Ianto backed against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. "Are you going to fuck him?" he asked bluntly.

"What? No! I'm going to keep flirting and buying him drinks until he tells me what I need to know before I throw him in a cab. Hopefully after he's had so much that he won't even remember the conversation."

"That's how you conduct business?"

James ran his fingers through his hair and blew out a frustrated breath. "Look, he knows something about one of my experiments, and I need to find out how he knows it. I need to make sure my security hasn't been compromised. That's it. I was never planning on sleeping with him."

"Sure looked like you were going to," Ianto muttered.

James rolled his eyes. "Do you even remember our conversation two weeks ago? I won't sleep with someone else until we talk first. And five minutes before doesn't count. So, again, no, I'm not going to fuck him!" He glanced at his watch quickly. "I need to get back there. Here, take my car, go home, and I'll meet you there later, ok?" He thrust his keys into Ianto's hands. He turned to the door, froze, swung around and pulled Ianto into one of the hottest kisses he'd ever given him. Ianto felt his entire body melting with desire. He clung to James desperately. "I'll see you back at yours," James whispered, pulling away after giving Ianto's bottom lip a careful bite that was just on the edge of painful but didn't draw any blood. Ianto watched with a dazed expression as he left.

When Ianto returned to the main pub, James was back on his barstool next to Michael, their heads bowed together as they looked at something on Michael's phone. James had a hand on Michael's arm and was kneading his bicep. Ianto frowned, but paid his bill and left. He had to trust James. He had to. If James said he wasn't going to sleep with Michael, he had to believe he wouldn't. Ianto sighed and pressed the key fob to unlock James's car.

He'd never driven the Jaguar before. James insisted that since it was _his _car, _he_ was the driver. Ianto might tease him about it, but he didn't mind. He liked that James took him out. He turned on the engine and paused, taking stock of the controls. The car had more bells and whistles than any car Ianto had ever driven. He reached over to the glovebox to find the manual and see if there were any pitfalls to be aware of, like gas tanks that spontaneously combusted or turn signals that played bad 80's music.

A gun sat on top of the owner's manual.

A gun.

Ianto snapped the glovebox closed.

James carried a gun in his glovebox. And not just any gun, but a top of the line handgun reminiscent of the ones Ianto learned how to shoot at work. He opened the glovebox again and took a closer look without touching it. Was the gun real? Yes.

Ianto put the car in gear and maneuvered out of the parking spot. He might not drive very often, especially downtown, but he had a map in his head that he could follow without much conscious thought. He traced his route home in his head, his hands and feet moving automatically while he considered this new information about James.

James carried a gun in his car. James knew enough about Torchwood to think they were a security threat to his work. They probably were, Ianto thought. Well, he might not know about Torchwood, but he knew that Michael from Special Weapons was a threat. Ianto considered _everyone_ in that department a threat. They dealt with alien weapons and reverse-engineering them to make them useful for Torchwood and the much vaunted 'British Empire' Director Hartman liked to talk about. Forget that the British Empire didn't exist any longer. She seemed to think it would again, and that Torchwood would be a part of it. But that was neither here nor there. He was thinking about James.

James used flirtation to get information.

That was hardly surprising, Ianto decided. The man flirted with everyone. Why _not_ use it for work?

James kissed him like he was staking his claim.

Good.

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James arrived at Ianto's flat an hour and a half after Ianto got home. He was out of breath, smelled of cigarettes, and held what looked like a hastily-purchased bouquet of Tesco flowers in his hand. He smiled hesitantly and offered the flowers to Ianto. Not the usual daffodils, and not the forbidden (as too romantic for what they were to each other) roses, they were a simple, colorful mix.

"I'm sorry!" James blurted before Ianto could say anything. "I can explain."

"You'd better," Ianto grumbled, but accepted the flowers and kissed him on the cheek in greeting. James followed him to the kitchen, tossing his greatcoat on the sofa as he went. "Shoes!" Ianto barked.

"Sorry! Sorry!"

"And hang up your coat! Honestly, how many times do I have to tell you?"

"You're in the doghouse, mate," Steve said from where he stood at the stove frying potatoes and steak strips. "Get it together."

"I know, I know. I'm sorry!" James left for the front hall where he hung up his coat and put away his shoes on the proper mat.

"He looks really sorry," Steve whispered to Ianto. "Don't make him sweat too much."

"You didn't see him! He was —"

"Getting information," James interrupted. "That's all it was. His name is Michael Sheldon. He's married, has three kids, and sleeps with men once a week when his wife thinks he's playing poker with his mates. He also had a picture of something on his phone that could get people killed if it didn't 'accidentally' disappear, but his phone is so sophisticated that I had to do it in person because my tech specialist couldn't do it remotely. She's been trying for several weeks." James threw himself into one of the kitchen chairs. "Any chance some of that scotch I brought a few weeks ago is left?"

"What, didn't drink enough at the bar?" Ianto asked sarcastically.

"I didn't drink anything at the bar."

Ianto put down the flowers and found a glass, putting it in front of James. He poured generously.

"Thanks," James said, taking a grateful sip. He let out a quick breath. "Old Mikey can drink, I'll tell you that. Cost me over £100 to get him to show me, then another £50 while I waited for him to need the head so I could delete the evidence while I pretended to play a game on it."

"That's… a lot of alcohol," Ianto said after a minute, not sure what else to say.

"I had to buy a round for a few of his friends after you left, too."

"Ah." Ianto finished arranging the flowers in the vase he'd broken down and purchased after James brought him flowers for the third time and put them in the center of the table. He took a seat across from James and snagged a sip from his glass. He wondered which friends of Michael's they were. Did he know them? Would they connect him and James?

"Food's up," Steve said, putting a plate of food on the table along with four forks. "I'll get Gary."

Later, after a pleasant meal where Ianto was able to relax and James was able to flirt with Steve and Gary without Ianto's ire rising too much, Ianto propelled James to his room and closed the door behind them. They sat on the bed, but when James moved to touch him, Ianto raised a hand.

"I need you to be honest with me, James," Ianto said, his voice low and serious. James nodded, though he looked slightly like a deer in the headlights. Ianto hoped he wouldn't run. "You're not really a scientist, are you?" Ianto asked softly. James looked down at where his hands rested on his knees. He shook his head. "Yeah, I've kind of suspected for a while," Ianto continued with a forced chuckle.

"What gave it away?" James asked, still not looking at Ianto.

"Well, you're both more attractive and have better social skills than any scientist I've ever known. You're funny and charming. And the gun in your glovebox was a really big clue," Ianto finished. "Honestly, couldn't you have put it in the boot?"

"Too hard to get to in an emergency," James explained in a flat voice. He risked a glance at Ianto. "I'm not military."

"I don't care what you are, as long as you're you," Ianto told him firmly.

"I'm dangerous," James declared.

"Are you, now?" Ianto asked in a voice halfway between amused and placating.

"You should stay away from me."

"You haven't hit me. You don't try to control me. You respect me and my opinions and boundaries. You put up with a lot of shit from me when I get overwhelmed or confused or anxious. Where's the danger in that?"

"I'm not who you think I am."

"Again, I don't care who you are or what you do, as long as you're you. You're probably CIA. So what?"

James chuckled. "Hardly. And even if I were, I couldn't tell you."

"Maybe you're more like James Bond. An international man of mystery," Ianto suggested. Their eyes met and for the first time that evening, they really looked at each other. They burst out laughing together. Ianto moved forward and hugged James tightly. "Promise me one thing," he said when they'd both calmed down.

"What?"

Ianto felt his heart constrict at the fear in James's voice. He didn't know what Ianto was about to ask, and he was afraid he'd have to say no. But Ianto wasn't going to ask anything difficult.

"Promise that you'll tell me when you come to London, even if you can't see me."

James let out a relieved breath, his body relaxing in Ianto's arms. "That, my darling, I can do," he said firmly.

"Good. And one request: Never bring the gun into my house."

James nodded. "I wouldn't have, anyway. Too dangerous."

"Ok. Now, can you stay the night, or do you have to go back?"

"I have to get back. I'm sorry. I should've been on the road an hour ago, but I couldn't not come by."

"Stop apologizing! We'll see each other this weekend, yeah? Come up with something special for Sunday, something I wouldn't expect."

James reached up and stroked Ianto's cheek with his fingers. "I'll make it a day to remember," he promised.

They kissed, then, the same hot, possessive kiss from the pub, and somehow Ianto ended up on his hands and knees with James fucking him, and Ianto felt like James was _claiming_ him, the growl in his voice more about ownership than desire, and Ianto found that he didn't mind that James chanted 'mine, mine' as he thrust into him half as much as he thought he ought to. He also didn't mind that he was completely naked while James simply opened his trousers, or that James had barely stretched him, or the rough hand in his hair that pulled his head back and anchored James as his hips lost their smooth rhythm the closer he got to his orgasm.

The whole thing was so passionate, so intense, so _real_ that nothing mattered but the two of them, their bodies moving in sync, and the pleasure that he took from James's cock and voice and hand. He fell asleep on his stomach with his arse still twitching from the rough treatment, a bruise forming on his shoulder where James marked him and more on his hips from where James gripped him so hard.

Ianto woke with a sigh, feeling at peace, even though he was alone, and had been almost as soon as they'd both come. The goodbye kiss had been just as possessive as any that night, and Ianto silently thrilled at it. James felt possessive about him, it seemed, and that made him smile. He'd seen that side of James before, though they'd never acted it out with sex quite so explicitly, James's 'my darling' comments more in line with his usual expressions of that possessiveness.

Gary wouldn't meet his eyes when they saw each other in the kitchen. Ianto frowned.

"You have no idea how loud you were last night, do you?" Gary asked awkwardly after a few tense minutes.

"Um…no."

"Probably a good thing," Gary muttered.

"Definitely a good thing," Steve said, grabbing the coffee pot. "I could hear you when I was brushing my teeth," he added, winking at Ianto, who wanted to sink into the floor in mortification.

"You're mine," Gary declared in a bad American accent. "Tell me you're mine."

"Yours, I'm yours," Steve answered, turning on his Welsh accent for effect as he sidled over to Gary and rubbed his side against him. Gary played along, both of them pretending to moan and teasing Ianto for another minute before bursting into laughter at Ianto's sour expression.

"Fuck off, the both of you!" Ianto barked, though he couldn't help the sparkle of happiness in his eyes or the smile twitching at the corner of his mouth that they knew how much James wanted him and didn't seem to care beyond winding him up about it. Gary and Steve caught the look, and they all shared a quick laugh.

When they calmed down, Ianto took a deep breath and said something he'd been meaning to say for a while but hadn't found the right time. He supposed there wasn't a right time for a thing like this.

"I'm sorry I've been such an arse lately," he apologized. "I don't mean to hurt you guys. There's just — a lot on my mind."

Gary and Steve shared a look before Gary answered for them both. "We forgive you. But you've gotta work on it, ok? We just want to help you."

Ianto nodded, accepting the admonishment. "I'm trying. He just brings up so much for me…"

"Like what?" Steve asked, settling at the table with his coffee and accepting toast from Gary.

"Internalized homophobia, I suppose," Ianto answered. "My dad, he hated queers. I might be ok with other people being gay, or whatever, but me? Can't even think about it."

Gary handed Ianto toast and took his own seat. "That's a tough one."

"I still think of myself as straight," Ianto admitted. "Calling myself anything else makes me want to vomit."

Steve sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Call yourself whatever you want. Just don't take out your anxiety and anger on us. Or James."

"I'll do my best. I'll keep trying."

"That's all we ask," Gary said. "Now get in the shower before I finish my toast or you'll be late."

With a hesitant smile and a mind that felt lighter than it had in a very long time, Ianto gulped the last of his coffee and went to get ready for work.

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	23. Chapter 23: Road Trip?

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 23: Road trip? **

A/N: Happy American Thanksgiving! Here's a nice filler chapter before the more intense and emotional chapter that follows. Enjoy, and please let me know what you think.

PS: Whoever gives me my 200th review can make a request that I'll either incorporate into this story or turn into a drabble.

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"Pull-ups?" Gary asked.

"Pull-ups," Steve answered.

"Why are we talking about pull-ups before coffee?" Ianto demanded. "And on a Sunday!" He walked over to the coffee machine and began fussing with it, noting that Lorraine and Thom must have already left the flat. Tom worked on Sundays, and Lorraine tended to want to go to the gym first thing in the morning before Gary got up so she could spend the day with him afterwards. Steve and Gary didn't seem to mind the situation, and patiently waited with strong tea until Ianto made coffee, since both had been reamed out by Ianto for messing with his machine enough times to never want to try again.

Ianto was up at his usual time for a Sunday, later than the others because he and James had just had some delicious, slow, sensuous sex as fitted in well with a late October day. James had insisted on the first shower, claiming that he'd finish sorting their plans while Ianto showered after. Ianto wasn't convinced there was anything for him to sort. Though James had promised something special for the day, there was nothing out of the ordinary in how James was acting. Usually, when he had a surprise planned, he could barely keep it to himself, bouncing around with manic energy in an effort to keep from telling Ianto and ruining the surprise.

"I've been doing them at the gym," Steve explained, bringing Ianto back to the conversation about pull-ups.

"He says he can do ten," Gary added.

"So?" Ianto asked.

"How many can you do?" Steve asked.

"Um, a few?" Ianto answered. Since he'd been assigned to Billy and the Archives, he hadn't had to do any more hand-to-hand or weapons training, for which he was grateful. He also wasn't expected to do the training workout routines, which had included pull-ups. He liked the running aspect of the training, finally learning what people meant when they talked about a 'runner's high,' but exercise probably wasn't something he planned on seeking out. Besides, he got more than enough exercise with James. "I haven't tried in a while. What about you?" he asked Gary.

"Have you seen me lately?" Gary said with a bark of laughter, patting his stomach. "I doubt I could do one!"

"James!" Steve shouted. "How many pull-ups can you do?"

"Fifty!" James shouted back from the bathroom. Ianto realized that the water had shut off without him noticing.

"What?" he whispered, sharing an incredulous look with his roommates.

"Bullshit," Gary called.

"You don't believe me?" James asked, walking into the kitchen, wearing nothing but a towel around his waist. He ran his fingers through his hair, sending droplets all over the kitchen. One landed on Ianto's cheek and he absently wiped it away. "I can follow that with 100 sit-ups, 200 push-ups and a five-mile run." He shrugged. "Basic training," he explained.

"Come on, you're full of it," Steve said, deciding to back up Gary. There was no way James could do all that.

"You've still got that bar in your room?" James asked, turning towards Steve's room.

"Put some shorts on!" Gary called at the same time as Ianto shouted, "Boxers!"

"I took it down," Steve added. "Besides, there's no way _anyone_ could do all that."

Ianto, measuring grounds into the coffee maker, smiled to himself. "Sounds like you're going to have to prove yourself," he said in a low voice that he knew would attract James's attention. Sure enough, James's head snapped around to look at him. Ianto licked his lips, settling his expression into one of innocent curiosity that could double as hunger in the proper light. James's nostrils flared as he inhaled. Ianto wondered what his desire smelled like to James from across the room, if he could even smell anything. Seeing the expression on his face, he probably could.

"Make the coffee," James barked. "The rest of you, get dressed. We're going to the gym, so bring your kit. Twenty minutes."

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Steve and Gary knew James had money, that much was obvious by the car he drove and how frequently he took Ianto out, but they'd never seen him use it to full effect the way Ianto had. Still, even Ianto was blown away by James's ability to use charm and money to get _exactly_ what he wanted.

The manager at Steve's gym, Samantha (call me Sam), blushed when James gave her his best flirtatious smile. They had a quiet, intense conversation, a wad of cash exchanged hands, then, after a few phone calls, Sam lead them to a small, private room that appeared to be the private, for staff only (hastily cleared-out) training room. She left them alone, returning a few minutes later with water, sports drinks, and an assortment of energy bars, snacks and sandwiches gleaned from the staff kitchen and the small cafe attached to the gym.

James produced a gym bag that had been in the boot of his car that Ianto had never seen before and stripped down to change into workout clothes right in front of them, his usual lack of modesty reassuring in a strange way. Gary, Steve and Ianto gave each other another meaningful looks and got changed. There didn't seem to be a point to arguing with James when he was in this mood, and everyone was willing to admit that they were curious as to what would happen next. Once everyone was settled on a bench, James looked them over, assessing them.

"Steve, you started this, you're up first," James declared. He motioned to the bar. "You're going to do twenty pull-ups. Take as long as you need, and I'll spot you. Come on."

"I've never done twenty at a time before," Steve admitted, getting in position under the bar. "Twelve was my max."

"You've never had me as a trainer before," James answered with a determined smile.

Amazingly, James coaxed Steve through all 20 pull-ups. Then he got Ianto to do fifteen and Gary to do five, much to everyone's astonishment. He let them rest while he jumped up, caught the bar and blew them away with a steady rhythm that had him completing all 50 pull-ups in just over five minutes. Ianto timed him. James jumped down, grinning like a lunatic. He grabbed one of the sport bottles and drank the whole thing before breaking for air.

"Good. Now we move on to crunches."

Of the three roommates, Ianto was able to do the most sit-ups. That he was partnered with James holding his feet and encouraging him didn't hurt, he mused, though he wouldn't vouch for his ability to do much more than rest his abs after the exercise. Once at his turn, James lay back, took a deep breath to focus himself, and started. Ianto, kneeling in front of him, his hands only lightly resting on James's feet to ground him, had to get up and give over the task to someone else, the sight of James curling up towards him like that over and over far too arousing to deal with while the other guys were there. That and the almost obscenely tight workout shorts James was wearing. James alternated left, right and center crunches, stopping at 102, just to be even, he said with a wink to Gary at the end, since Steve had also abandoned him to sit at the opposite end of the room with Ianto.

"I never thought…" Ianto whispered to Steve.

"Yeah. I know. I should've warned you it might happen. Sorry," he answered.

"You, um…?"

"Can't help it sometimes, can you?" Steve muttered. "And you're like a randy teen whenever he's around, so, well…"

"There we have it," Ianto agreed softly, well aware of how James affected him and only mildly surprised that Steve had noticed. Then again, they lived together, so Steve (and Gary) knew how often he and James had sex…

"All right, show's over," James called cheerfully. "Time for push-ups!"

Ianto sighed and returned to his place, absently rubbing his arms, already sore from the pull-ups. Steve shuffled after him.

Steve beat Ianto by three push-ups. They both beat Gary by over twenty. James found his meditative space and zipped through 200 faster than anyone expected, even himself. He let them all rest for a bit after that, chatting, hydrating, eating energy bars. He didn't want them filling up on sandwiches before the run. He explained that the key to any exercise was finding one's center and setting one's intention. The concept sounded rather New Age to Gary, and Buddhist to Ianto, while Steve simply shrugged and said he'd start trying it. He was the only one of them who regularly worked out, anyway, and Ianto suspected it had something to do with a comment Thom had made once about liking how cut Steve was getting.

Abandoning the training room for the indoor track, James set them running at their own preferred pace, jogging beside each of them in turn and encouraging them. Ianto let his mind drift as he ran, enjoying the freedom of movement and slight breeze against his sweaty face. Finding James with his eyes, he watched as James pulled off his (also extremely tight, like the shorts) shirt, wiped his face with it, and tossed it in the direction of their pile of stuff where it rested at the edge of the track by one of the benches. He followed the path of a drop of sweat as it worked its way down James's spine, wanting to memorize the path so he could lick it off James later. James kept going as they each dropped out one after the other, until he was running side-by-side with Ianto, their steps in perfect unison.

"You like running," James said, puffing slightly, though not as much as Ianto was. Ianto grunted in answer. James waited until there was no one else near them before he spoke again. "I like seeing you run. It's hot."

"Yeah?" Ianto asked, the question a simple out-breath. He slowed down so they could talk more comfortably, James not missing a single step.

"You were turned on, earlier," James added. "Weren't you? That's why you left."

"A bit," Ianto answered, deciding that they were far enough away from anyone else to respond.

"We could do this again. Just the two of us," James suggested. "Maybe not _here_, but…" he trailed off.

"Where do you usually work out?" Ianto asked, curious. It had been clear from the beginning that James had a routine, that he did those exercises often. That he enjoyed them.

"I've got a training room at my place," James answered.

"Your building?"

"My flat."

Ianto grunted, not sure what to say about the mysterious flat he'd never seen. "How often do you do this routine?" he asked.

"Every night I'm not here, barring a work emergency," James answered immediately. "Sometimes I add weights or something else, but this is the mainstay. It helps me sleep."

"You never have a problem sleeping," Ianto protested.

"Not when you wear me out like you do," James said with a wink and a smirk. Ianto felt his cheeks heating. "I get insomnia when I sleep alone. Working out helps quiet the demons, put the nightmares away for a few hours."

"Nightmares?" Ianto asked. He wondered if James's mysterious CIA job gave him nightmares. It probably did, he decided. If it was so dangerous that James needed to carry a gun with him, it was dangerous enough to warrant nightmares.

"You've seen me have them from time to time," James answered. "They're always worse when I don't have someone with me."

"What about when we —"

"Masturbation and phone sex don't replace a warm body to curl up against," James interrupted. "I still have to work out those nights."

"So, you, um, you don't, um, 'wear yourself out' in Cardiff?" Ianto heard himself asking. "You don't find a warm body to help you sleep?"

"Nope," James declared. "Just the home-gym." He ran half a dozen steps before he realized Ianto had stopped. He turned and jogged back. "Ianto?"

"Did you just say what I think you said?" Ianto asked, his eyes wide.

"If you're asking if you're the only person I'm having sex with right now, the answer's yes," James said. "I thought you'd have figured that out by now, especially after Thursday."

"Oh."

"Are you freaking out?"

Ianto looked back across the track to where Steve and Gary sat. He glanced around the track, noting where the other runners were. He looked at James, standing in front of him, bouncing a little to keep from getting cramps at the sudden stop.

"A little," he admitted.

James stopped jumping. "Well, shit." He ran his hands through his hair, turning it into a pile of messy spikes. "Do you want water?" he asked. Ianto blinked a few times and James nodded to himself, then ran off to get some without waiting for Ianto's answer. He returned a minute later with a bottle for each of them. "And this is why I didn't want to tell you so directly," he muttered, steering Ianto to a bench away from everyone else.

"What? Why?"

"Because I can see you creating all kinds of scenarios in your head," James answered. He took a long drink and started stretching. "You're probably thinking about how you're not ready for monogamy and I must be if I'm only sleeping with you and you're thinking that I'll leave if you can't promise that, too. Am I right?"

"Um, kind of."

James sighed loudly and plopped down on the bench. "Ianto, look, I might have an extensive back-catalogue, but I'm more discerning about who I sleep with than I used to be."

"You picked me up at a bar! You didn't know me!"

"And then I _got to know_ you. A random hook-up is one thing. Being with someone a second time is something else entirely. I hadn't been with someone more than once for at least six months before I met you."

"But you'd been having sex?"

"Sure. Quite a bit. But not with the same person over and over. I didn't want a lover. I wanted casual."

"We're not lovers!"

"Well, we're more than casual, don't you think?" James asked, his voice annoyed. "We're friends. Best friends, as you said recently. I didn't want anything like that before you, and I'm satisfied enough with what we do that I don't need to go out for random sex with strangers!" He paused. "I thought you'd be happy. Freaked out, maybe, but happy, too."

"I —" Ianto buried his head in his hand. "I'm not ready for that kind of thing."

"Which kind?"

"Monogamy."

"I know," James answered. "And for the record, I wouldn't call it monogamy from my end, either."

"No? What would you call it?"

"I don't know. But we both have the option to be with others, and monogamy is an agreement. Something we'd have to discuss and decide."

Ianto uncapped his water and took a drink, his mind working quickly. "I still want to see your flat, you know," he burst out, knowing he was deflecting away from the real issues of the conversation and not caring. He couldn't help but wonder if James was making up having a flat, making up that he lived somewhere other than work. He couldn't shake the persistent, nagging thought that James had a wife or boyfriend or child hidden away in Cardiff that he didn't want Ianto to know about.

"If you're willing to share the driving, we can go this afternoon," James said, startling him.

"What?"

"You heard me. We can go this afternoon. We only need to clean up first."

"Just like that? I've been waiting since August and all of a sudden, it's 'let's go?'"

James rolled his eyes. "I offered to bring you by when you were in Cardiff visiting your nephew. It's not my fault you said no to Saturday night and work interrupted Sunday."

"You haven't mentioned it once since!"

"I'm mentioning it now. Do you want to go, or not?"

"Yes!" Ianto exclaimed loudly, standing. "Where are the showers?"

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Steve and Gary were completely flabbergasted by Ianto's sudden declaration that he and James were leaving for Cardiff as soon as he packed an overnight bag, with a suit, just in case. James let Ianto drive most of the way, only taking the wheel when they were at the outskirts of Cardiff. They hadn't spoken much, but it hadn't felt awkward to Ianto. James could enjoy silence on occasion, and Ianto was too excited and nervous to say much, anyway. Before Ianto knew it, they were pulling into an underground carpark and grabbing their things from the boot of the Jaguar.

"Twenty-fourth floor," James said, pressing the appropriate button in the lift.

"What, not the penthouse?" Ianto asked, having half-expected something like that, though 24 was almost there, just two away from the top floor.

"Too extravagant for my lifestyle," James answered. "I don't need as much space as my ego implies," he added with a chuckle. Ianto bumped James's shoulder with his own, smiling. "And here we are," James declared, unlocking the door and throwing it open. Ianto hesitantly stepped over the threshold as James turned on the lights.

The entryway was nothing to speak of. Simple cream walls, a coatrack with a leather jacket he recognized from the zoo trip hanging on it, and several pairs of James's preferred boots in a haphazard pile underneath it. James took Ianto's jacket and hung it next to the leather one and his greatcoat before pressing a hand to his back to encourage him farther into the flat.

The main area was an open plan, sitting room combined with dining area, with a huge, well-appointed kitchen. Ianto resisted the urge to check the refrigerator and cabinets for food, still unsure if James actually lived there or if it was just some elaborate front. The flat-screen television looked as big as a movie screen. A huge DVD and CD collection covered the wall on either side of the TV, and a state of the art stereo system rested against one wall. He glanced at the sofa set. It looked quite comfortable. Then he noticed a stain on one of the arms and a used napkin under the coffee table. The dining table was simple, nice wood, with six chairs. It was covered with books, manilla folders and a pair of laptops. Ianto frowned. Didn't James have an office, or something? How could people eat on that table?

"I don't entertain much," James said, as if he could read Ianto's mind. "Let me show you the rest."

The home-gym was just as Ianto expected it. State of the art equipment, gleaming mirrors, and the lingering scent of James's sweat. James tapped a locked door and indicated that it was the home-lab and Ianto wasn't to look inside, though the presence of a palm-print reader by the door handle only made him more curious. He resigned himself to not knowing.

The bedroom… The bedroom was Ianto's fantasy come true. A huge four-poster bed dominated the room, the nightstands on either side dwarfed by its height, though the tasteful lamps mitigated the feeling. Ianto licked his lips, thinking of what they could get up to in that bed, when compared to his own much smaller bed. There was a walk-in closet, extra-large as it included the space from where the gym's closet would have been. In addition to James's usual shirts and trousers, there were two suits hanging in the closet, a black one that screamed 'funeral,' and a dark gray one that looked like it had never been worn. On top of the dresser was an assortment of spare change, a comb, some hair gel and a pile of movie ticket stubs from films they'd been to see together. A mobile charger peeked out from the wall behind the bed. The final detail that reassured Ianto of all his misgivings was the half-empty glass of water on the nightstand next to a picture of him. No coaster, just a glass of water, set down and forgotten. He walked over and picked up the picture. He was smiling into the camera, his eyes soft with affection.

"This was…"

"At the zoo," James answered, coming up behind him and wrapping his arms around Ianto. "Now do you believe I don't have a wife?"

Ianto turned to face him, putting the picture down hastily so he could grab onto James. He kissed him, then, tangling his fingers in James's hair, desire sweeping through him in waves that got more powerful as each crested. Ianto's free hand found its way to James's belt, and he had it and his trousers open in seconds. James gasped in surprise. Ianto grinned into the next kiss, working James's cock.

"On the bed, get rid of your clothes," he ordered. James hastened to obey. Ianto crawled on after him, pulling off his jumper and freeing his erection.

"How do you —"

"On your hands and knees," Ianto interrupted. "I'm going to fuck you as hard as you fucked me Thursday."

James shivered in anticipation. "Goddess, yes."

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tbc in Chapter 24: James, what's Torchwood?


	24. Chapter 24: James, What's Torchwood?

**Who He Wants To Be**

**By Gracefultree**

**Chapter 24: James, what's Torchwood? **

Posted: November 30, 2014

A/N: Wow, you guys are the best! I'm averaging 8 or 9 reviews per chapter, which has to be a personal best. Thanks! Here's another chapter extra-quick for the 9 reviews in 24 hours.

And now: Warnings for emotional upheaval. And sex. Don't forget the sex.

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They should've expected it, Ianto thought in retrospect as he struggled to catch his breath after spending several pleasurable hours fucking and being fucked by James. There was no way he was going back to London that night. Thank God he'd thought to bring a suit.

"We'll get up early," James mumbled from where he lay with his face scrunched into the pillow, his arms clutching it like a lifeline. "I'll drive you back."

"Nonsense," Ianto answered. "I'll just take an early train."

"Ok," James agreed, too tired to argue.

They lay in silence for several minutes.

"By all the Gods, I should've brought you here sooner, if this was your reaction," James declared with a lusty chuckle. "I can't move."

"You'll be ok, though? I didn't hurt you?"

"I'm totally fine," James said. "I love it when you get rough and loud. It doesn't happen nearly often enough."

"Rough and loud?"

"Dare I say, _possessive_."

"Really?" Ianto asked, surprised.

"Sure felt like it from where I was."

"Huh. Glad we were here, then. The guys teased me about Thursday night."

James laughed joyously. "Gotta love them," he said. "So normal."

"I'm coming down here again," Ianto informed him. "We can take turns. One weekend here, one in London."

"Ok," James mumbled. He yawned hugely. "Whatever you say," he added, drifting to sleep.

Ianto watched him for a few minutes before reaching for his laptop to research the train timetables so he could get back to London in time for work. If he showered here… and went straight to work… He groaned, but reset the alarm on his phone. Neither of them would be happy with how little sleep they'd get, but it was worth it. Every second with James was worth it.

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Ianto woke forty-five minutes before his alarm was going to go off. He lay in the unfamiliar bed with the familiar and comforting bulk of James next to him, feeling warm and content. He was in Cardiff, he reminded himself. He was at James's flat.

James didn't have a wife, or a boyfriend, or a lover or a child. He had a very nice flat that he barely used except to watch movies, work out, and sleep.

He also had a collection of brand new sex toys in his closet in a box marked: 'to try with Ianto.'

Ianto smiled, thinking about some of the things they'd tried… He resolved to have James bring some of them to London next weekend.

He climbed out of bed, careful not to wake James, and went to explore a little bit after pulling on some clothes, since he was already awake and not likely to fall back to sleep. They'd spent the entirety of their time in bed so far, and Ianto wanted a moment to take stock of what James's flat was really like. He went to the kitchen first, finding the coffee maker immediately. It was in a sorry state, and he couldn't help himself from cleaning it and making a fresh pot. From the looks of it, James hadn't replaced the filter in over a month, and Ianto sighed in frustration. That was so like James. He had one of Ianto's favorite coffee bean varieties, though, which almost made up for the abuse to a perfectly good coffee machine.

The refrigerator was full of half-eaten takeaway and random condiments. There was no evidence that James actually cooked, since there were no fresh fruits or vegetables. Ianto wondered if that was part of why James was always so excited to cook at Ianto's. He'd have the time to do it there, not to mention someone to share the food with.

Coffee finished, Ianto poured a mug and wandered into the dining area to look out the large window at the nighttime view of Cardiff Bay. On the way over, something on one of the folders on the dining table stopped him in his tracks. The stylized Torchwood hexagon T stared up at him, and before he could stop himself, Ianto opened the file. The first thing he saw was a handwritten note, on Torchwood stationary, dated Wednesday, the day before James showed up in London unannounced.

_._

_J—_

_Here's what I could get on Michael S. for you. Married seven years to Bianca, three kids, Brandon — five, Aiden — four, and Shauna — 18 months. He goes out once a week (Thursdays) for 'poker night' and goes home with a guy for sex. Starts at X-Files Tavern across from the Tower and ends up at one or another of the clubs downtown. I've been watching him for a while and he skips around the clubs, so your best bet might be to meet him at X-Files. I'm under the impression that his wife doesn't know about this 'pastime' of his. He's a shitty lay, very selfish, and leaves immediately. Fortunately, he's not resistant to the amnesia drug, so I won't have him sniffing around me after all this. _

_I wasn't able to get a look at his phone, so I'm not sure if the information you think he has is there, but rumors around the Tower are that he's gotten in trouble with his supervisor for not letting go of looking for some tech that's in Cardiff. My source didn't know what tech it was, just that it was there. Not Mike's department, so he's skating on thin ice, by keeping the info. I hacked his log-in, and there's nothing you need to worry about on his work computer. He's too much of a tea-totaler to have it on his home computer where his wife could see it, so you only have to worry about his phone and potential jump drives. _

_Let me know if you need anything else. Otherwise, see you in January. _

_Sparky_

_._

Underneath the note was Michael Sheldon's personnel facesheet and several photographs of him. James had written a few notes of his own on the file, including the address of X-Files Tavern and a tiny map of where it was in relation to Torchwood Tower. He'd also drawn several doodles of guns, a car, and an overly-large (and detailed) penis.

Ianto closed the file and returned to the kitchen, feeling nauseated and panicky. He put down his coffee mug with a hand that shook alarmingly.

James knew about Torchwood. Not only knew about them, but had a spy _within_ Torchwood. He tried to think if he knew anyone who might go by the nickname 'Sparky' and came up blank. No one had that in their last name, and there were only a few men whose hair could be either ginger enough or spiky enough to be called that. He also couldn't think of anyone he knew there who was gay. His mentor Billy was bi, but he didn't seem like the type who was into casual sex, let alone sex as a part of some information-gathering spy technique.

Oh, wait. Billy _was_ into casual sex, having offered to be Ianto's fuck buddy. But he knew Ianto, they were friends, so it wouldn't be the same thing as sleeping with some asshole just to get information. Besides, he didn't think Billy was a particularly good liar.

He wondered briefly if it was Cody down at the gun ranges. Cody had winked at him, once, and seemed very interested in Ianto's university studies when they'd chatted. But then, wouldn't Cody have told James that Ianto worked there?

Unless Sparky didn't know James and Ianto were doing — whatever they were doing.

Should he tell James he worked for Torchwood? Would that break the Official Secrets Act? Would he get thrown in jail? But if James already knew that Torchwood existed… how could he _not_ tell him?

Maybe he could be a spy for James? Maybe that way he could know what James really did, what sort of secret CIA stuff he managed?

He tried to take deep breaths so the anxiety would leave his body. Breathing was one of the techniques he and James practiced when he didn't have the pills, or wanted to try to get over it without them. He hadn't thought to pack them for a 12-hour trip to Cardiff, so he'd have to deal with it on his own.

A noise behind him startled Ianto. He turned quickly to see James walking into the living area from the bedroom. He was completely naked, running a hand through his hair to get rid of the sleep-ruffled look. James paused, meeting his eyes.

"Morning," James said softly. "I woke up and you weren't in bed, so I wanted to make sure you hadn't left without saying goodbye."

"Do you really think I would do that?" Ianto asked, mesmerized by the smooth planes of James's body, anxiety forgotten in favor of lust. His eyes traveled along the well-defined muscles, over nipples and back down, settling on the dark thatch of pubic hair above James's cock. (And James's cock, but that didn't need saying, did it?) He was always amazed at how little body hair James had compared to himself. He knew James didn't shave, since there was never any stubble, and it fascinated him how different they could be. He also knew James loved _his_ body hair, often stroking his chest just to feel the strands under his fingers. Ianto didn't mind at all.

James gave an amused chuckle and reached down to stroke himself playfully, teasingly. Ianto flicked a glance up to his face for a moment to catch the sparkle in his eyes before returning his attention to James's rapidly hardening length. He watched as James's cock filled, feeling his boxers tighten in response. He felt an answering thrill in his own body when James rubbed his thumb over the head, taking a sharp breath as he did so. Without thinking about it, Ianto pulled out his own cock and matched James tug for tug, stroke for stroke.

They stood there for several minutes, staring at each other touching themselves from across the room before something snapped in Ianto's head. He shoved off his boxers and took a step forward, only to find James right in front of him helping him out of his t-shirt. Their lips met in a glorious kiss that devolved into a playful battle for control, tongues swiping over teeth, teeth nipping at lips, even as they reached for each other, hands going around each other's cocks and arms around each other's waists. Ianto growled when James let go of his cock to squeeze his balls, and he retaliated by tripping James and knocking them both to the floor.

They rolled around on the floor, kissing and biting and grappling for the best angle, for who would top. It was familiar and comforting and exciting, though they'd never had quite so much room to roll around before. They had to stop when they realized that neither of them had lube or condoms, so they retreated to the bedroom where Ianto lay back and watched James prepare himself with single-minded intensity before sinking onto Ianto's erection. He pulled Ianto's torso up so that they could kiss. Ianto groaned, giving small, sharp thrusts of his hips that made James gasp and moan each time. They stayed like that until Ianto started feeling over-sensitized, at which point he pushed James off and rolled onto his stomach, inviting James to take him by angling his arse up. James wasted no time, and in minutes they were panting and groaning their way through their releases.

James collapsed next to Ianto, cuddling up behind him and wrapping his arms around him.

"What time do you have to leave?" he asked, kissing Ianto's shoulder.

Ianto's phone started buzzing and ringing. "Now," Ianto answered, shutting it off. "I have to shower and get dressed."

"Oh, right. Hygiene," James muttered dejectedly, letting Ianto go. He followed Ianto into the bathroom after a minute, joining him in the shower for a quick but enjoyable wash.

Ianto made a fresh pot of coffee and they sat at a corner of the dining table James cleared off to drink it. James had removed all the folders and files from the table while Ianto prepared the coffee, depositing them in the locked room. Ianto suppressed a sigh. The sex had been excellent, as usual, and a pleasant distraction from his anxiety, but he couldn't wait any longer. He had to talk to James about Torchwood. And yet he needed more information before he could tell James he worked for them. He wondered if he could ferret out James's opinion of the organization without revealing that he knew anything about it. He took a breath and hoped he was doing the right thing by bringing it up.

"James, what's Torchwood?" Ianto asked bluntly, deciding that if he was going to ask, he might as well be direct. James seemed to appreciate that kind of thing.

James choked on his coffee, staring at Ianto with wide, frightened eyes. "What?" he demanded.

"What's Torchwood? I saw the name on one of the folders that used to be here," Ianto explained, hoping his voice didn't betray how nervous he felt. "I saw it on a flier when I was at the employment center at university, too," he added, using a bit of truth and misdirection to steer them away from anything too personal. "I just wondered what kind of company they were, and I figured you'd know, since you —"

"Stay away from them," James barked, interrupting him. "Torchwood is dangerous. I don't want you mixed up in that."

"But you know who they are?" Ianto persisted.

"Torchwood is a group of fanatical sons-of-bitches with no concern for anything but themselves. They're evil, Ianto, and if they ever approach you, I want you to run the other way and come to me, so I can protect you from them."

Ianto gasped at the anger and hatred in James's voice. He frowned. Something must have happened between James and Torchwood, or to someone he knew, because otherwise why would he react so strongly?

"They're a bunch of snakes," James continued. "Vipers. You can't trust a single one of them."

"Surely not every single person?" Ianto asked softly, hoping James wasn't as xenophobic as he sounded, if that was even the proper word for hatred and prejudice towards an organization as a whole rather than foreigners.

"The only Torchwood people I trust are the ones I hired and trained myself," James declared firmly.

"A spy with spies of his own?" Ianto asked in what he hoped was an amused or teasing voice, lifting an eyebrow. Inside he was crying. James would never trust him if he found out Ianto was one of the Torchwood 'vipers' he hated so much. He would leave him, leave him alone and scared and —

He couldn't tell him. He couldn't. Shit.

He'd already known he couldn't, he reminded himself. He'd signed the Official Secrets Act. But he'd hoped… He'd hoped that since James knew Torchwood existed, maybe he'd signed the Act, too, and Ianto wouldn't be breaking it to tell him…

But now, with this startling information…

"Promise me, Ianto," James said, grabbing his hands in a firm hold. "Promise me you'll forget about Torchwood. Promise me you'll stay away from them if they ever come to you."

Ianto nodded, his eyes locked on James's, noting the earnestness and fear in them. James was scared for him, he realized. James was worried Torchwood would hurt him somehow. How could he tell him he worked for them? He couldn't. He also couldn't make the promise in words. He had to nod and pretend. It was the best he could do, given the shitty circumstances in which he so suddenly found himself.

"It's an unusual name, so when I saw it here…" Ianto murmured. "But if you think they're dangerous, of course I'll be careful. I'm not looking for a new job, or anything."

"Good," James answered. "Good."

They were both subdued as they finished their coffee and Ianto gathered his things. At James's suggestion, he left everything except his messenger bag with the essentials and his laptop so that he'd have a set of clothes already when he came back in two weeks, just like James had a set of clothes in his closet in London. James drove him to the train station, and it was there that Ianto took another chance.

He leaned over and kissed James, right there in front of the station. James froze when their lips touched, but he immediately relaxed and kissed Ianto back with passion. The whole scenario made Ianto realize how rarely they kissed in public, that James would tense up like that, that he would be so surprised. Ianto didn't like doing it, feeling self-conscious about being seen kissing another man, but he knew James really liked it on the rare occasions it happened. James was an affectionate man, a very tactile man, and Ianto was sure that he'd be holding Ianto's hand or kissing him at every opportunity if Ianto allowed it.

"I'll text you when I get to London," Ianto told him, stroking his cheek. "And we'll talk tonight, yeah?"

"Yeah," James agreed, slightly dazed. "Call me."

"I'm really glad I got to come see your place."

"I'm glad you did, too," James affirmed. "And you'll be back in two weeks. We'll figure it out."

Ianto smiled, gave James one last kiss, and got out of the car. As he settled into his seat on the train fifteen minutes later, he pondered the morning. James hated Torchwood. Ianto worked for Torchwood. It didn't seem like there was any way to resolve this, but Ianto wanted to try. He wanted James to trust him, to be comfortable with him. And he was, for now. It was once his affiliation with Torchwood came out that he was worried about.

He closed his eyes, sighing, hoping he'd be able to sleep a little on the train.

"You miss him already, don't you?" the woman next to him asked softly.

Ianto's eyes shot open in surprise and he turned to look at her. In her seventies, with pure white hair, sparkling green eyes, wearing a stylish black overcoat and sensible heels, she looked kind.

"Pardon me?" he asked.

"You miss him, don't you? Your boyfriend. Or is it partner? I saw you in front of the station before we boarded. I was like that with my John, once. He's passed on now, poor dear, leaving me alone, but I remember those first years, before the children came. We were so in love, we couldn't get enough of each other. It was torture to be apart, even when it was just him going to work like he did every day."

"I, um, it's not like that, me and James," Ianto blurted. "We're just friends. It's complicated."

"Life is complicated, young man. Take it from me, I've seen 77 years of it! Don't let fear hold you back from being happy. Life's too short, so when you find something like you have with your friend, hold on to it."

"Oh. Thanks, I think."

She gave him a brilliant smile, patted his knee, and got up to change seats, seeing someone she recognized.

Ianto closed his eyes again and thought of how happy James was when they kissed in public. He'd liked it, too, though not as much, and he'd had to fight anxiety until he got a little lost in the kiss. Maybe that was the answer? Get lost in the kiss and get more comfortable kissing James in public? Make James happier?

He wanted James to be happy. He wanted to be the reason for James's happiness.

He sighed again. Would he ever be comfortable with what they were doing? Would he ever be able to be open about it? Not for a long time, he thought. He'd try, but he had a long way to go, and he knew it. He just hoped James would continue being patient with him.

.

.

.

tbc in Chapter 25: Vortex Manipulators and Vulnerabilities


End file.
